Mike Birbiglia Does Not Want More Kids

>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> ANYTHING GOING ON WITH YOU? >> Jimmy: NOT ANYMORE, NOTHING'S GOING ON. ARE YOU IN TOWN FOR THE OSCARS? >> I WAS IN TOWN TO WATCH THE OSCARS ON TELEVISION. THE RECEPTION IS PHENOMENAL. THE CLOSER YOU GET TO THE OSCARS, IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR. YEAH, NO -- IT WAS WILD. IT WAS VERY EXCITING. AND THEN YOU WERE GENEROUS ENOUGH TO HAVE ME AND MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER, NEW DAUGHTER -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: YES, SHE'S VERY CUTE. >> OVER THIS WEEK. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS. ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO YOU HAD US OVER. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW BOTH COUPLES WERE GOING TO HAVE KIDS. >> Jimmy: RIGHT. >> AND YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOW 3. >> Jimmy: 2 1/2. >> JANE IS 2 1/2. AND OUR DAUGHTER IS 22 MONTHS. SO THERE IS A DISPARITY IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IT TOOK US EACH TO CONCEIVE. BECAUSE APPARENTLY MY BOYS DON'T SWIM. WHICH ISN'T SURPRISING, BECAUSE I DON'T SWIM. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE. >> I SWIM. I SWIM, BUT IN CIRCLES. I'M ALWAYS ORDERING HOT DOGS AT THE SIDE OF THE POOL. WHICH IS NOT A QUALITY YOU WANT IN YOUR SPERM. SORT OF LETHARGIC AND HUNGRY QUALITIES. YOU WANT YOUR SPERM TO BE LIKE, I SWIM FROM SEA TO SEA! IKE THE RYAN LO LOCHTE OF SPERM WITHOUT THE FAKE ROBBERY. >> Jimmy: WILL YOU GET A JUMP ON TRYING TO GET MORE? OR IS THAT IT? >> NO, NO. >> Jimmy: NO? >> NO, I DON'T THINK THAT WE'RE GOING TO -- I FEEL -- I FEEL LIKE I'M IN VEGAS, AND I'M UP, AND I'M WALKING AWAY. >> Jimmy: FROM THE TABLE. >> YEAH, BECAUSE I'M -- YEAH. I FEEL LIKE I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD. WE HAVE UNA, SHE'S GREAT. >> Jimmy: SHE'S CUTE.

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