Stand Up Comedy from Sam Jay

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY PERSON WHO YOU CAN SEE PERFORMING AT THE CRAPSHOOT COMEDY FESTIVAL IN LAS VEGAS MAY 18th THROUGH THE 20th. PLEASE WELCOME SAM JAY! >> YEAH. WHAT IS GOING ON, GUYS? MAN, THIS IS TRULY AMAZING, DUDE. THEY HAVE A ROOM BACK THERE FOR ME, MY NAME IS ON THE DOOR. I TOOK A BUNCH OF POSES IN FRONT OF IT FOR INSTAGRAM. BUNCH OF HASH TAGS, LIKE STEP UP, GET YOUR MONEY TOGETHER. FEELING GOOD. I GOT A HUNDRED LIKES ON THE PICTURES, SO THIS DOESN'T REALLY MATTER RIGHT NOW. THIS COULD GO EITHER WAY. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] THAT'S WHERE I'M AT, BE YOURSELF, LIVE IN YOUR MOMENT, EMBRACE YOUR STEREOTYPES. STOP BEING PEOPLE THAT SHUN STEREOTYPES. THEY'RE THE BEST THING. THEY CAN HELP YOU, MAN, IF YOU PLAY THEM UP RIGHT. LIKE PEOPLE THINK BLACK PEOPLE ARE HOSTILE. I USE THAT TO MY ADVANTAGE ALL THE TIME. I RIDE THE BUS AND THE TRAIN, I BLAST MUSIC OUT MY HEADPHONES, I LOOK LEFT AND RIGHT REAL CRAZY WHILE I DO IT. I BARK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. NO WHITE PEOPLE SIT NEXT TO ME FOR MILES ON THE BUS OR THE TRAIN. IT'S THE MOST PEACEFUL RIDE OF MY LIFE, BECAUSE I DON'T GOT TO DEAL WITH YOUR BOOGIE BOATS AND SAIL BOARDS, SILLY STUFF YOU BRING ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING, IS THAT A CANOE? WHAT IS THIS DUDE DOING? WE THINK ALL ASIANS KNOW KARATE. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, ASIANMAN, THROW UP A LEG, GET OUT A JAM. WHITE WOMEN, YOU GUYS CRY AND GET WHATEVER YOU WANT. BEAUTIFUL. IT'S SO DOPE. I WISH PEOPLE CARED WHEN I CRIED. I DO IT MORE OFTEN. NO ONE CARES, MAN. BECAUSE AS A BLACK WOMAN, I'M STILL DOING THAT OPPRESSION, WE SHALL OVERCOME CRY, WHERE YOU GET ALL STIFF AND THE ONE TEAR ROLLS DOWN. AND YOU DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S HOLDING IN A FART OR CRYING. WHEN WHITE WOMEN CRY Y'ALL BREAK DOWN, YOUR BODIES GO LIMP, YOUR HAIR GOES EVERYWHERE. IT'S LIKE, SHE NEEDS HELP, RIGHT HERE! IT'S AMAZING, DUDE. BECAUSE WHEN YOU EMBRACE YOUR THING, YOU CAN USE IT TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE. THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT. I WAS AT A COMEDY FESTIVAL, HANGING OUT WITH MY HOME BOY, BECAUSE HE'S A MAN, I LOOK LIKE A MAN, WE'RE BOTH BLACK. AND WE SMELL LIKE WEED. WE WERE SMOKING WEED, OKAY? SO I'M TRYING TO HIDE IT. DUNKING AND DODGING SECURITY. THIS WHITE LADY WALKED UP, SHE SAID, I WOULD LOVE TO SMOKE WITH YOU, I WOULD EVEN LIKE A CIGARET CIGARETTE TO MASK THE SMELL, IF YOU WOULD LET ME. >> I FEEL LIKE WE ACQUIRED WHITE WOMAN SHIELD. YOU INVISIBLE TO COPS, SECURITY FOLKS AND OTHERWISE NOSEY WHITE FOLKS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. AND THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT, MAN. WE WANT TO BE A BETTER COUNTRY. I WAS ON THE CRUISE WHEN I FOUND OUT TRUMP WAS THE PRESIDENT. WE WERE IN THE BAHAMAS. AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE, WE'RE NEVER COMING BACK! AND I'M LIKE, THAT'S NOT HOW CRUISES WORK. BUT IT WAS A BOAT DIVIDED. AS SOON AS THE ELECTION RESULTS CAME IN, THERE WERE PEOPLE THAT WERE HAPPY, I UNDERSTOOD. PEOPLE THAT WERE SAD, I UNDERSTOOD. BUT THERE WAS ONE LADY THAT WAS NFUSED, SHE WAS MISSIPISSING ME OFF. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN IN AMERICA? WE WERE READY FOR A WHITE WOMAN PRESIDENT. I WAS LIKE, REALLY? A YEAR AGO WE WEREN'T EVEN READY FOR FEMALE GHOST BUSTERS. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL JOB. I DON'T KNOW HOW READY WE WERE, LADY. CHILL OUT. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] BUT I THINK AS LIBERALS, WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO OLD WHITE MEN. I'M SAYING IT. NICER TO OLD WHITE DUDES. WE BEEN A BULLY TO OLD WHITE DUDES. WE CAN'T ACCEPT THE WIN. WE WON, EVEN WITH TRUMP, WE WON. THERE'S GLUTEN-FREE EVERY APPLEBEE'S. WE WON. IT'S OVER. HEY, OLD WHITE DUDE, HEY, YOU DUMMY, YOU WERE BAD TO BLACKS, YOU WERE BAD TO GAYS, AND YOU WERE BAD TO WOMEN. YOU SMOKED ON PLANES. NOW GUYS ARE GOING TO KISS GUYS ON THE STREET AND BACON KILLS YOU. SHUT UP, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. BUT WHITE PEOPLE CONTRIBUTED TO SOCIETY. NOT JUST THE BAD. SLAVERY, BAD. EVERYTHING THEY DID TO BLACK PEOPLE AFTER SLAVERY, BAD. BUT AIRPLANES, DOPE! AIRPLANES ARE UNDENIABLY COOL, MAN. THAT'S A WHITE GUY WAY OF THINKING. WHITE GUYS GOT THIS WEIRD NEED TO DOMINATE AND DOMINATE HUGE. ONLY A WHITE GUY LOOKED IN THE SKY, SAW A BIRD AND WAS LIKE, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THAT, WHY NOT ME? HEY, Y'ALL HAVE BEEN PHENOMENAL.

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