The Most and Least Sexually Diseased States

FAR. I THOUGHT WE MIGHT START THE SHOW WITH A LITTLE BIT OF GEOGRAPHY. DO YOU LIKE GEOGRAPHY? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: SO HERE'S A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES. IT'S THE MOST SEXUALLY DISEASED STATES. NOW, AS A GENERAL RULE, THE STATE WITH THE MOST STDs IS TRADITIONALLY WHICHEVER STATE WHERE "THE BACHELOR" IS SHOOTING, BUT NOT IN THIS CASE. CALIFORNIA FINISHED 16th, WHICH IS BETTER THAN I THOUGHT WE WOULD DO. YOU KNOW, CHARLIE SHEEN LIVES HERE. BUT THE NUMBER ONE MOST SEXUALLY DISEASED STATE, IS FORTUNATELY, NOT ATTACHED TO US. IT IS RIGHT THERE, ALASKA. [ APPLAUSE ] AND THE REASON THEY HAVE THE MOST STDs IN ALASKA IS, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO OPEN A CONDOM WHILE YOU'RE WEARING MITTENS? [ LAUGHTER ] GUILLERMO, YOU'RE WEARING MITTENS. >> YES, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A CONDOM IN YOUR HANDS. GIVE IT A TRY. TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS. EVEN PRACTICED IN THIS, THIS AFTERNOON, RIGHT? >> YEAH. CAN I USE MY TEETH? YEAH, YOU CAN USE ANYTHING, BUT DON'T BITE INTO THE YOU, YOU KNOW. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO HEIMLICH YOU HERE. SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT I'M SAYING. ARE YOU STILL WORKING ON THAT? >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: WHEN YOU GET IT OPEN, PUT IT ON AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT LOOKS. >> ALL RIGHT, SURE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THE MOST, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE, BUT THE TOP STATE FOR STD-FREE IS NEW HAMPSHIRE. CONGRATULATIONS TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, FOLLOWED BY WEST VIRGINIA, MAINE, AND VERMONT. VERMONT IS 47. THEY'RE REALLY MAKING THE MOST OF THIS. VERMONT, THEY'RE EVEN USING THESE NEW STATS TO HELP BOOST TOURISM. ♪ VERMONT ♪ ♪ IT'S THE PLACE TO BE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET AN STD ♪ ♪ AND IT WON'T HURT WHEN YOU PEE ♪ ♪ VERMONT ♪ ♪ COME TO VERMONT ♪ ♪ WE'D LOVE TO SEE YOU ♪ ♪ WE WON'T GIVE YOU HERPES OR GONORRHEA ♪ ♪ JUST MAPLE SYRUP AND LOTS OF SKIING ♪ NO BLOOD IN YOURUR URINE FOR THE TIMES WHEN YOU PEE ♪ >> WE HAVE LOW RATES OF CHLAMYDIA, GONORRHEA, SYPHILIS AND EVEN CRABS. ♪ ♪ MAKE VERMONT YOUR DESTINATION ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU PEE HERE, THERE'S NO BURNING SENSATION ♪ ♪ VERMONT, WE'RE VT, NOT VD ♪ >> I'M BERNIE SANDERS AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S THE ONLY BURN I FEEL. ANYWAY, IT'S FUNNY, BUT IT'S A SERIOUS THING. AND THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL REMINDS YOU, STILL THE BEST WAY OF CONTRACTING AN STD IS TO GET REALLY INTO DUNGEONS

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