The Best of Michael Kosta in Quarantine The Daily Social Distancing Show

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The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

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(upbeat instrumental music) - Hi, I'm Michael Kosta. Before the coronavirus, I had convinced Trevor to allow me to host a travel show through the Italian wine region. It was the perfect scheme to allow me to go balls deep into a sea of Merlot, but then we all went to shit, so now I'm stuck taking you on a journey through my apartment. Welcome to (beep) street, apartment (beep), alarm code 7978. Come on. (bicycle thuds) Shit. (cheerful instrumental music) My apartment is a beautiful land of two bedrooms and one bathroom, world renowned for its natural light, its high ceilings, and its access to nearby parks, which I can no longer visit. It was colonized in 2017, after I was evicted from my previous homeland for, according to my parents, "Being 36." But despite their ageism, I have moved on and now enjoy this apartment immensely, especially its culinary delights. (cheerful instrumental music) Here in the centrally located kitchen, there are over three cereals to choose from, including Oat Bran for when locals here are feeling a little irregular. When you're in the kitchen, sample the national drink of my apartment, home-brewed kombucha, which locals praise as, "Not as disgusting as it looks." In the middle of this bustling marketplace is an ancient heating device. A word of caution to visitors, though, keep away unless you really know what you're doing. (beep) Goddamn it! Who left this (beep) thing on. While you're here, be sure to visit the Michael Kosta Museum of Art and Minor Accomplishments. Located on a neo-classical Ikea dresser, it holds my many prized treasures, like this autographed Regis Philbin Christmas CD. And behold the crown jewel of the collection, a rare golden Emmy. Although relentless critics, like my wife, point out that it's a regional Emmy but that's fine, she can tear down others so she feels better. Even though it looks and weighs exactly the same as a real Emmy, 6 pounds 12 ounces, but who's counting. Anyway, this apartment is also home to a world-class wildlife preserve. Arrange your guided tour to take in these amazing animals, like this exotic North American Havanese Mini Schnauzer rescue mix. (dog crunches) Here we have the pipe room. If you're a fan of pipes, you gotta check it out. Anytime you need to get to the pipes, you go here. I don't know what any of this stuff does. Let's move on. Here we have a window where... Why are those kids playing outside? Hey kids, it's a global pandemic. Jesus Christ, anybody enforce the rules anymore? When can I go outside? When can I go outside? What day is it? Is there such thing as time? Have I ever truly been alive? Who am I? Should I give myself to the sea? What separates man- Did I leave the stove on? What is it- Is my dog my master? My master? My master? Well, I hope you enjoy the strange and wonderful land that is Michael Kosta. Join me next week as we'll be exploring the bizarre sights, sounds, and odors of my building's hallway. Until then, I'm Michael Kosta. Buon vioge. (cheerful instrumental music) (beep) (upbeat instrumental music) All across America eccentric freedom lovers have been protesting to reopen the country. Now beaches are the latest battle ground, and Florida's are open for business. - [Reporter] Northwest Florida beaches are back open. Hundreds came out to soak up the sun, sand, and surf. - I love the beaches being open. This is just wonderful. - [Michael] But while many Floridians are enjoying their God-given right to beach, one of them has a killer protest of his own. - In northwest Florida, one lawyer took a bold approach to express his concern. - Thank you. Yeah, I'm here today to make a point that we need to... I think it's premature that we open our beaches. - But who was this strange Florida man? Did terrorizing beachgoers actually make a difference? To find out, I made a date with Death. - My name's Daniel Uhlfelder. I'm a lawyer and I'm the Florida Grim Reaper. - I'm sorry, can you remove your hood? It's kinda hard to process this. - Remove my hood, okay. - Yeah. All right, I guess that's better. So what are you doing dressed as Death going to the beaches in Florida? - Well, we have a deadly virus that's killed over 75,000 people and I think people need to be staying at home and taking precautions and not flooding our beaches in our state. - Death visiting the beaches has gotta be one of the top 1,000th strangest things that have happened in Florida this week. - Good point. - Daniel's been visiting beaches as Death for almost a month now, mostly not well received. - The public here they are none too pleased to see his presence here. - I think he should go somewhere else and protest because he don't belong here. - Daniel, why do Floridians wanna go to the beach so badly? - Well, I wanted to go to the beach. I love... I mean I'm a Floridian, it's kinds like it's just part of our DNA. It's just who we are. - To me, this seems like a perfect time for Floridians to learn a new hobby, you know, like how to read. - Florida gets a bad rap. Floridians get a bad rap and the Grim Reaper is getting a bad rap, and I'm trying trying to fix those things. - So Daniel, when should the beaches open? - When we have enough testing, enough data, enough preparation. - You want the government of Florida to use testing, data, and information when in the past they've never even thought about using those things. - Yes, this is a situation where I think that our government is making a choice to not do the right thing. - Do you think you're making a difference? - I think I've given a little hope to people that are seeing all these crazy protestors with guns and Confederate flags and Nazi flags- - And the Grim Reaper costume. - I mean, I don't have a gun with me. I'm not at a State House in Michigan with a gun. The Grim Reaper is trying to preserve life. - Daniel, is Death really the best way to communicate this message of caution and temperance? I mean everybody dies, should we really fear Death or you? - I think when you have 75,000 people die within a very short period of time and it doesn't appear to be slowing down, yes, this is the only methods that we need to deal with this. - Sorry, hearing Daniel say that doesn't work for me. Would you mind just putting the hood back on and the mask and delivering that same message? Um, so Death, are you really the best way to communicate caution and temperance? (dramatic instrumental music) - Yes, we need the beaches closed so people don't die. This virus- - As Death spoke onto me about the need for social distancing, I realized that protesting to keep things closed could be helpful, even though Death is scaring the hell out of some bathers, at least he's wearing a mask. And maybe there was a deeper meaning. The one constant in life that Death is always among us, ready to ferry our souls across that dark river of time. Maybe Death is teaching us that- - I just want them to close the damn beaches. - You know, having the opportunity that not everybody gets to speak to Death has changed my life. I wish I could hug you right now. I wish I could come down there right now and wrap my sweaty hands around- - No, stay there. Do not come to Death. Why are you not getting the message I'm sending? Stay away from the beaches of Florida, please. - [Michael] Oh, I get it, Death. And hopefully Florida does too. (image pops) (water splashes) (bird caws) (upbeat instrumental music) - Michael, so many people are joining the Black Lives Matter movement, including white people, which I think is ironic considering how quickly white people get onto Black trends. Like why didn't this happen earlier? - Yes! Go off, Jaboukie. What's important though is that we're finally all on the same page, we're fighting to end police brutality and end systemic racism. - Yes, yeah, no, yeah, and now that we're all on the same page, we just can focus on making sure that everybody is taking action, you know, effective action, not just black squares on Instagram. - I couldn't agree more, Jaboukie. Posting a black square on Instagram does nothing. That's why I tattooed a black square onto my body. That's commitment. - Why does that look like you're covering up a worse tattoo? - It's like a third nipple actually that I'm covering, but look, I'll be tattooing a black square on my body until we dismantle racism in this country, or I run out of skin, whatever comes first. - Okay well, you're probably gonna run out of skin first and then you'll just be in permanent blackface. - Blackface. Shit, why does everything I always do end up in blackface? Look, look, forget the black square. What's important is to remind people there's still a lot you can do to help. - Exactly, like protesting, donating, volunteering for campaigns. - Watching "The Help" every day, listening to Ja Rule, text messaging your Black friend, "We good?" Which, by the way Jaboukie, we good? - No, no, um-um. Not if that's all that you're doing, no. - It's not. I'm doing more. I made a celebrity-style video to show everybody how committed I am. Take a look at this. Black Lives Matter. Black Lives Matter. Black Lives Matter. (Michael speaks in a foreign language) (Michael blows) (Michael coughs) - You're spirit is in the right place, but you know that there's a difference between symbols and nice gestures and stuff like that and then (taps) actual change and action. You know that right? - I know about change. - Yeah. - I'm all about change. You remember this guy? - Yeah, oh hey. Hey Walter. - It's not Walter. I changed his name. His new name is Racism is Bad. Isn't that right? I love you so much Racism is Bad. (smacks) - Oh my God. See, okay, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Like what is it going to take for white people to just genuinely want action or change? Or wait... Hey yeah, Kosta, did you know that cops kill hundreds of dogs every year? - What? - Yes, and you know what, most of them unarmed. - Well, we gotta defund the police then. - All right, yeah. - That's not even enough. We gotta abolish the police. - 100%. - (beep) that, we gotta dismantle the entire military-industrial complex. - Oh okay. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I just donated all my money to the NAACP. Why are we still sitting here? - I don't even know. I don't know. - We need to get out to the streets. Racism is Bad, we're going to Washington. Let's go, let's go, let's go. - All right, okay. I knew that would work. (upbeat instrumental music) (upbeat rock music) - Yeah, what's up sports fans? - What up? - I'm Roy Wood Jr. He's Michael Kosta. Kosta, I don't know about you but I have been missing sports so much, man. - I know, same here, Roy. I'm so desperate that I've been betting on all the old ESPN games that they've been airing. - I'm sorry, you what? What'd you just say? - You know and I'm down $5,000 but I'm gonna make it back tonight because I'm watching last year's Superbowl and I've got a feeling the 49ers are gonna win big. - The Kansas City Chiefs... You know what, never mind. That's gonna end bad but I will tell you what I have been watching on ESPN, this Michael Jordan 10-part documentary "The Last Dance" detailing his last year with the Chicago Bulls. Quality. - Well yeah, you ana everyone else, Roy. I mean this documentary has everything: drama, greatness, shorts so short that they leave nothing to the imagination. - Those shorts were so short I could see who had a vasectomy. And watching all of that old NBA footage for this documentary, Kosta, it's really made me appreciate how fast that fashion trends change. The NBA in just a few short years went from really short shorts to Jordan's enormous baggy suits. It was like MC Hammer had a formal wear line. Anyway, let's talk current sports. Now, I don't know what you been going through, Kosta, but all the leagues are on hiatus and honestly, I've been going through baseball withdrawals. I have a fever of 104, I have a lot of chills, I've been shaking at night, a little bit of diarrhea. Classic signs of baseball withdrawal. - I think maybe you should get that checked out, but Roy, you'll be happy to know that they are bringing baseball back in Asia with a few tweaks. - If you're wondering what major league baseball will look like when it comes back, pay attention to South Korea. The Korean Baseball Association put on an exhibition game announcing the start of the new season will happen on May 5th. Games will be played without fans in the stands in the beginning. Some other rules: players can't shake hands or give high fives, and this may be a tough one, there's no spitting allowed. - [Reporter] And in other parts of the world, baseball is back but with a bizarre twist. In Taiwan, cardboard cutouts and mannequins sit in the stands instead of fans. (air whooshes) - You know, these mannequins remind me of myself when I'm watching baseball, emotionless, bored, no nipples. My doctors are stumped, Roy. - Oh come on, man, don't be a hater. You gotta have something in the stands. Just make sure those mannequins aren't imported from Philadelphia because if they are, they're still gonna be throwing batteries at you. - You know I just think these new rules in South Korea are too strict. No shaking hands, no high fives, no spitting. I mean what's even the point? - Look, you have to change with the times. Whatever it takes to bring baseball back I'm all for it. In fact, I'd go a step further. After you win the big game, forget dumping Gatorade, just Clorox on each other's head. - Ah, ah, my eyes are burnt but my whites have never been whiter. You know what, let's talk about football, Roy, because not only is Tom Brady gonna be a Tampa Bay Buccaneer this upcoming season, but he's also gonna be reunited with an old friend. - [Newscaster] After one year away from the game, former New England Patriot Rob Gronkowski is coming back to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, once again joining forces with his former teammate, newly traded quarterback Tom Brady. (air whooshes) - It doesn't matter, brains or no brains, this could be a powerful duo. You just gotta hope that the season doesn't get delayed too long. Tom Brady doesn't have a lot of time left. I mean the man is already 68 years old. - You better watch out for that corona, Tom. You're in the most vulnerable demographic. - I will say this, man. It's gonna be weird seeing two long-time Patriots donning a Buccaneers uniforms. My eyes aren't gonna know what's going on. - I hear ya. It's gonna be like if they made the Pope the new KFC colonel. You know, I'm happy for him but it's gonna take some getting used to. - Yeah, I'd probably still eat there. All righty (claps) sports fans, that's it for now, but we'll be back to cover the next big game on the schedule which is, let me see... The Kent County Michigan Crossword Competition. Goddamn. - I'll tell you what, Roy. I don't know what that is but I'm putting two grand on 14 down. Here we go. - You have a problem. (upbeat instrumental music)

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