When a Guy Won’t Let You Call Him “Daddy” Esther Povitsky Hot for My Name

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Comedy Central Stand-Up

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Subtitles:
- I wish I could read. I really do. I try to read. I buy books. I open books, and then I black out, and I'm on Instagram, and I don't know what happened. I'm like, why does "Gone Girl" have a chapter called #SummerHairStyles?" I like Instagram. I have a lot of friends who don't like it. They say it makes them feel insecure, and I'm like, guys, just unfollow the hot people. You'll be fine. That's what I did. I wake up. I look at my Instagram feed. I feel so good about my life. Who do I follow? I follow a lizard. I follow a bakery. I follow a bird with no hair. I follow this woman that makes tiny replicas of food, like, little eggs, and little hash browns and stuff, and she's never posted a photo of herself, but I know I have to be prettier than her. I also like Instagram, 'cause I can meet someone new and then instantly learn all about their life, okay? I can see who their friends are. Where do they like to go out to eat? Do they have a dog? What do they wear to the beach? There is something I don't want to see on your Instagram, and that is a paragraph about your mental illness. I'll see the photos. I'll put it together myself. Yeah. Don't hand it to me. I want to play Instagram detective at home. - So this whole thing is-- the reason we're in this is because you want to show people why you're so neurotic? Because of your upbringing, right? - Well, I didn't say I was neurotic. - Well, what are you? You seem to be-- - I'm too scared to ride a bike or swim. I'm pretty needy. - We're going back to this. - You're needy. All right, but-- - Some people say that. - Why-- What do you attribute your tenaciousness to, where you stick to it, and you-- - Oh, that's easy. It's that, unlike some people who where their parents said, "Oh, you're so good. You're so good." For me, right at an early age, you guys told me I was bad at stuff, so that was not new to me. That would never discourage me when I went out in the world and someone said, "No. You're bad." That really just fell right off me, because I was so used to hearing it from a young age, by my parents. From my parents. - Did you tell her she was bad ever? - No. - Ever? - For example, like when I audition for something, and I don't get it, over and over again, that's normal for me. I'm used to trying and failing. - Because of... - Because-- - Your abusive parents? - No, because my parents never thought I was special. - Oh, God. Let me out of the car! - Sometimes-- - Let me out of the car. - Mom... - Yeah. You're wrong. - Am I wrong? - Yeah. I think so. I don't think we were awful. - No. I didn't say you were awful. - I'm not gonna be in this thing. - I don't think we were negative. - We're gonna get arrested, if she puts this on her special. - I have my own complaint in the bedroom. That's that the guy I'm with--he won't let me call him daddy in bed. It's messed up. Yeah. He says it's because he's not a pedophile. I know. I don't believe him, either. Absolutely not. I have the cheeks of a toddler. I wear a size three in kids' shoes. You have demons. Let's face them, okay? But now I'm insecure, because I'm like, Why won't he let me call him daddy in bed? Like, what's the real reason? And I'm just like, what if it's because I didn't go to a good enough school, and he's not proud of me? What if he's legit just like, "Sorry. No daughter of mine went to a state school." Now, sometimes when I say that I want to say "daddy" in the bedroom I can feel judgment, and I think people's minds go to a bad placed about it. They're like, "Oh, she has daddy issues. Yeah. She wants to fuck her dad." No! Oh, my God. I don't want to fuck my dad. That's disgusting. He's 75, and he's broke.

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