A Ton of Grass Goes to Pot The Cinema Snob

I must admit a little nervous showing today's movie a ton of grass goes to pot why just look at that poster it's 2,000 pounds of trouble I can handle a thousand pounds of trouble that's no problem but 2,000 pounds let me put it to you like this nuki probably weighed only about 50 pounds and this movie is asking me to take in two thousand pounds no wonder they changed the title to the big score that much trouble needs to frequently change its identity every movie release either that or the movie just sucks do Oh motive grass goes to pot is a 1972 film written and directed by Tom Hanson who only a year prior brought us the story of the Zodiac killer you know the movie that proved to us that the Zodiac killer was a devil worshipping mailman who liked to push old people down flights of stairs Tom Hansen learned filmmaking the right way by learning in front of the camera such as his small roles in redzone Cuba and the Hellcats hoo-boy were in safe hands here I feel like a guy in two robots need to be watching this movie not me this way before Tom Hansen took up its true calling joining the force and going undercover at high schools though it is a platinum video judging from this production card at putting the word platinum in front of your movie always means quality just ask these dudes I don't need IMDB to tell me this is an action comedy even the production is an adventure what a good sell it's not a great film but it's a fine film that's a recommendation good enough for a colonel hey boy that was fine a ton of grass goes to pod is the riveting story of a group of businessmen who tried to smuggle I guess a ton of pot across the border using a hot-air balloon you'd think that'd be a fun movie to watch you'd think that the movie looks to be shot a glorious day for dawn of man vision in the 70s if you didn't have the right guy to filming permits guards would shoot you on sight no that's not sure you could film anything in the 70s as you can see I've made an entire series out of it yeah a ton of grass goes to weeds you could really see the comedy jumping off the screen alive or dead half these people have shit their pants do we really need the Mexican army to take these people down that's the last time the Geico gecko is gonna be smuggling insurance across these borders whoo I think dialogue is gonna happen because captain Gustavo Garcia the Mexican Federal Police did it surrounded that's not a bag of pho that's the boobies mic and they're still fucking it up good job waking up at the crack of 4:00 p.m. geez up but God the whole Mexican army is out there oh my god it's a shack full of over exaggerations leave will you come out with your hands above your head but on the plus side the whole Mexican army is being really polite I prefer all of my comedies to be shot at Waco vision here send out poor Jan Michael Ferrigno he hasn't seen sunlight at months you would come on giving up come on you don't need a megaphone the guy is standing ten feet in front of you these are pot smugglers worried that they'll be spending the rest of their life at a Mexican jail which should be better than that Shack they're living in working at your feet is probably more we could run foremost those beaners never fired a gun they're the last Trump supporters the country has left so far there's very little adventure and this movie most certainly isn't fine this isn't just exciting it smells like the underarms of Horatio Sanz exciting oh hell with you what about the chick Oh Roy and now the movies a sausage fest I'll be at a sausage fest with guns well when you give the actors a bunch of acid beforehand they will shoot it a bunch of imaginary fairies in front of them and it'll be really horribly edited the opening scene at Texas Chainsaw 3d makes more sense than this at least let this poor bad get his finger out of the Zima bottle first Raja kana we went fire I may go Wu amigo is there word so I guess that means they could kill you good job fellas you've confiscated a box of used porn magazines a ton of red glitter goes to a group of guys from a costume shop anybody wanna nice cut we're gonna need a lot more than a ton of pot to make it through this movie and what happened to this poor girl she's never seen in the movie again but the employees appears appears should make things more interesting it's not like the portable sauna franchise a portable sauna you need like a microwave they're talking about different ideas to make money but it all seems really random we're going to open a topless bottomless bar for faggots right you know you're the only one who keeps bringing that up you even have sketches of the topless and bottomless bar if you really want to make that go ahead none of us are stopping you and be careful that's the Zodiac killer right fucking there last but not least me I caught successful entrepreneur shit I'm damn near busted nice exposition if no one asks you your name or your occupation just go ahead and shove it into the conversation so I'm not even kidding Mike has heard it from his suede dealer about the hidden shipment of marijuana from the beginning of the movie and now the boys want to steal it so they can sell it I guess why a ton of marijuana that's got to be worth 1 million $50,000 1 million avidity a little dollar that's what I said 1 million $50,000 right am i watching this movie or is the movie watching me still that's a lot of money a ton of money if you will no taxes no alimony I'm pretty sure you still have to pay all those things here let's pull out the script it's written on the back of a kid's menu they're coming up with their plan way too fast if Peter Jackson directed this there'd be at least one musical number by now I know what you're thinking there's only one way to smuggle that much pot across the border hot-air balloon the total weight of the balloon is 257 pounds we add 2,000 pounds it's exactly 27 miles from the point of release to the coast it takes one pound of gas for 80 miles of flight for every thousand pounds of weight our load is 2,000 257 pounds therefore we'll get just a hair under nine miles per pound of gas I'm watching a movie called a ton of grass goes to pot do you really think I know physics what does the good doctor think I'm not up to pushing dope yes we know you want that male topless bottomless bar aka a naked bar you can buy a ton of those with that money well how will the patience of dr. Bell ever survive without the touch of my gentle hands the hell just what are you sticking up your patients asses unfortunately they didn't count on bad tracking to be securing the border they're being incredibly sneaky by picking up bands and having them play in the back of their truck don't worry I'm sure the cops will be able to tell that their pot smokers at first glance let's see what this sounds like in the movie now let's see what it sounds like in real life and ignore this guy Baker can't write any tickets without punch nearby there's a lot of driving here so far the movies giving me night of horror flashbacks I didn't sign up for this trip and I'm damn sure both movies are taking a road to nowhere as in this movie is going nowhere oh excuse me it is going somewhere right in the shitter there's a little pot but I'm still waiting for that ton of pot I feel like an Oklahoma got a liquor store um depressed flu I was worried we weren't going to see the road for the rest of the movie of glad it's back so soon I see these two are trying to out Jerry read each other I guess this is the pot a ton of grass goes under this blanket because we don't really have a ton of grass damn who's gonna move all of this rome wasn't built by slow-motion groan we'll fight late so let's get sleeves to do it wait if I ever run for office that sentence could really bite me in the ass well the others are handling the pot Mike goes into town for a very important reason it's okay I'm sure those reasons will come soon once they're finished doing nothing they're stopped by Michael parks is Kill Bill Vol to cameo he's there to give them a good deal on a Jeep oh shit I am want to take a cup right yeah perdy annually physical wow that's so unlike this movie to speak dialogue that's totally meaningless light gets in the Jeep but he's sued placed under arrest clearly because there's no doors on this vehicle now that our lead is in jail it's up to the supporting cast to speak nonsense there is only one thing I don't understand about the young people better hell is Mike the thing is they are trying to be different they call themselves individuals that's what I'm getting how come they all look alike thank you now I know what Andy Rooney would look like if he smoked pot the seed is like the chaperone supplied the kids with the drugs and then smoked it all had called them lazy oh thank god we're saved from the rest of the film a nuclear bomb went off a couple of the men go on a joyride and where's the one place you want to go with your baked out of your gourd jail of course so they find a bike smoking pot gives you super strength so you can tie a pole to the front of Jeep and knock down a set of cardboard building blocks I'm guessing the movies composer was also feeling a bit lazy because he stole the movies theme for Maude Her Majesty's Secret Service what the fuck I thought I saw George Lazenby's manager earlier Oh they've just been discovered by the black six mitos Jean Washington and me Joe Greene who are apparently too good for this movie the bikers were also told about the ton of pot stash maybe they'll realize it's not a fucking time all right King Kong you want to get a heavy why is this movie asking me to root for racists it's okay if you're not racist you're a fucking stereotype nice now if you run really fast you could steal that cheese from Sylvester the cat that is unless slowpoke Rodriguez slows you down how did it happen I don't know hmm goddamn it you're not actually supposed to put slowpoke Rodriguez in the film that makes me super angry and is a white Midwestern guy I do not like seeing anyone get made fun of you know what could call these two down pot I happen to know that they are soon going on a boat ride but it's going to be a very short one if I want dollar-store Smokey and the Bandit I'll stick with Smokey and the Bandit three thank you very much now the movie is showing me things I'd rather stick up my ass and watch this movie what the fuck are hippies doing in this pop movie as you can see they show no love for God's handiwork crushing every living plant that lies before them that's right we need to take revenge on the dealers because they harmed a poor defenseless cactus but here's where the point of the movie gets a little weird dignity dignity what is dignity it is written the meek shall inherit the earth hell this movie is the opposite of dignity but listen to this those kids Kasab down here ain't no welfare here now why the hell won't you go home and dry stand on your own two feet like a man and good job this movie seriously feels like it was just a sucker in a bunch of potheads with an alluring title only to call them lazy and tell them to get a job that's quite a step down from his previous film in which he hoped that the real Zodiac killer would be in attendance and what the hell is going on here I put this arm out here you're already oh there he just had to work the sound effect out of his back I gotta hand it to the movie though at least it has catering sir this thing is you Colin it's a literal wealth of desire I carry delicious food food of your choice cold refreshing drinks and libation various kinds of a gourmet yes thank you now I know what a food truck is honestly the more the movie goes on the bore I think it's had it I got there that I walk out down there man I've had it because the movie literally just told me that it's had it and scenes are dying this movie is less Easy Rider and more the last movie in that I hope it's the last movie I ever see hey God something important is gonna happen did the paint job on the bump that was my idea I told you something would happen now I know they know who Jesus is and when I get my hands on him they're gonna meet him then I'm gonna steal their weed a ton of grass goes to the audience so they could picture a better movie I wish the movie was at 4d at this point I'd be over my eye and totally crashed out that I could sleep through the rest of it but then I'd missed the part where Mike is comparing himself to a dictator you're a goddamn dictator you know you just might be right did this movie have a stroke Keenan and Palin Turnagain your mr. burden what in the actual fuck am I having a stroke what I said I wanted the audience to picture a better movie I didn't mean triumph of the will no Reagan Nick I'm on some guns and I was under exaggerating when I implied that they were racist turns out they are the racists and if Mike is supposed to be Hitler why is there still a picture of Hitler in the background this is a good opportunity to make one of those hilarious Hitler videos what would Hitler think about this movie by their shortened to the point I wondered if this movie would go anywhere but I didn't think it'd lead to World War two this is the adventure the opening credits were talking about if you wanted to remake Elsa Fraulein SS just remake Elsa Fraulein SS don't blow the night porter in my face and tell me it's Cheech and Chong I'm running out of Nazi jokes for a 75 minute movie the Third Reich is really slowing shit down no joke this is the longest fucking scene in the movie and that includes them drinking beer you think gurbles would have put a lot more effort into a sex tape that's what he gets for executing his fluffer right before ejaculation anyway back to the series of moving pictures that calls itself a movie great a gunfight can we go back to the more fluid editing of the film you know the Nazi stock footage when they call that down here I'm Mexican standoff no I'm pretty sure they just call it a standoff after realizing they're all terrible shots they decide to split everything 50/50 with the bikers all right the poster had a balloon on it they should probably get to that if this was made to keep people from coming to America it's working wait that's not true we have a ton of pot now come on over god I hope professor feet max shoot this balloon down not that it matters no one is manning the balloon because they couldn't add any more weight I guess it can hold a literal ton of pot but not a hundred fifty-pound man so they just have to hope the balloon floats across the border and crashes somewhere that they can find it this seed is starting to go on as long as the Nazi scene it thinks the audience will be impressed with a giant balloon there's no more audience in your theater you told them to get a job only in America could you show this shit in a movie theater this was the balloon boy hoax of the 70s they filmed a bunch of footage of a balloon and told people it was a movie the balloon is spotted by a plane in the sky piloted by a man who is obviously on the ground how could he have spotted it it blends right into the ground and what are these fucking song lyrics I'm just going to assume it's the faded blue from blast off girls singing because I can't understand a word they're saying ah good cinematography means that you simply need to have a lot of clouds of the shot look at that storm coming in the movie is so bad it caused the second world flood the ton of pot crashes and you okay I know that cows have eaten their pot just cut to it already apparently what cows eat a lot of pot it really screws with the movies editing and I don't like the idea of anything in this movie going in Reverse even if it is just for a second what the hell was that that's the look that a cow gives after its shitting your hamburger not after you've just sat through one of the worst pop movies ever made this is the movie equivalent of buying a ton of pot only open it up to find nothing but stems and what the fuck happened to the cops who were supposed to be chasing them did they fall asleep again and I seriously want to know what happened to this girl from the beginning is her head gonna turn up somewhere let me look at that damn poster again a true story I suppose you can claim that if you put a question mark at the end of it what it could be true I'm not sure we're just saying best hurry it's only showing for one week and by one week I need 78 minutes they're not showing this movie twice don't worry the theater is under armed guards too many people were blowing their brains out halfway through long story short this movie isn't very good but perhaps I'm being too hard on a ton of grass goes to pot chronologically this episode isn't even in the right order I had to watch this at the last minute because YouTube is holding the Elm Street to Freddy's revenge episode hostage fun stuff I'm sure you'll see it someday alright you guys knock it off