Enthusiastic Sinners 2017 Full Movie Christopher Heard Maggie Alexander


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oh [ __ ] so it's 35 16 go ahead control copy that 76 monument road i'm code 2 35 16 out [Music] excuse me ma'am what oh sorry what can i do for you we got a report of what sounded like gunshots coming from this residence really yes is there a problem no other than the fact that i have an idiot son everything's fine look this is gonna sound stupid but here it is i was upstairs and i heard what i thought were gunshots coming from down here i come running down and i see my idiot son and his idiot friends pounding on some bullets with a hammer you're kidding me now do you ever hear of anything so dumb no that's a first lucky they didn't kill themselves you're telling me i wanted to strangle every one of the little bastards is your son here now no when i saw what they were doing i went into a screaming fit and told them to get out of my house they all took off on their bikes somewhere they're probably at the woodley place down the road your guns in the house i take it i have a gun but i keep it locked up so i can avoid situations like this i didn't lock up the ammunition because i didn't think i had to i figured you know how dangerous can a bullet be if they don't have a gun to put it in so it's [ __ ] me it's not to idiot-proof the ammunition which completely defeats the purpose for having a gun for home defense if someone broke in i'd be raped stabbed and bludgeoned before i can get my key on those trigger box well all right that's all it is i'll be on my way and i know i keep calling my son an idiot but i'm just exaggerating he's a smart kid just does really stupid [ __ ] sometimes and i guess i could take him to a shrink and they could give him some fancy name for it like autism or asperger's or adhd i guess i could pump him full of ritalin turn him into some brain dead zombie you know when all is said and done i'd rather have a kid that is a pain in the ass but has some personality instead of some mindless robot besides who might even do something like that just to make my life a little easier that's the mark of a weakling can't handle the [ __ ] life deals out i understand you know i have two of my own the thing is his father died last year of cancer and i know that's affected him not to mention when it's done to me my head is like a pinball machine 24 hours a day my brother tried to set me up on a date last week i even know how to date anymore half the time i think i never want to see a penis again and the other half i'm so horny i can hump the doorknob guess i went a little far on that one huh a little bit don't worry about it i just wish things were easier i don't know maybe i'm part of the problem maybe i'm making things harder than they have to be maybe i should stop punishing myself for past mistakes by denying me what would make me happy right now maybe that's just the thing exist for the right now what do you think about that not to break the mood but do you have any condoms no but i've had a vasectomy that worked definitely any disease things we need to work around no no no clean that's out of the way oh [ __ ] have i missed that oh you feel good smell no i need room to do my thing oh wow well hey if you don't slaughter i'm gonna finish before i get started come on four what i just want to take a mental snapshot you're [ __ ] beautiful floor you went top or bottom top okay yeah i'm good kiss me oh if you lay on your back i can finish you off with my hand does that work okay yeah no just keep doing what you're doing easy slower oh okay now just stop it just leave your hand there oh my god [Music] everything's back in focus by the way shelby bruce that's a good group you got to thanks he's one of those uh squeezy thingies i don't know what the technical name for it is actually i think squeezy thingy is a technical name for her wise ass apologies about the quick finish by the way there's not been that turned on in a while ah well at least you were gentlemanly enough not to just roll over and go to sleep i'll make it up to you round two oh round two mr big talker you think you got round two in you if you give me some recharge time i do do you have to worry about your sub coming home oh no he knows to stay away for a bit after one of my rampages we've got a couple of hours at least do we need to worry about you calling into work actually yeah we do need to worry about that i guess i could call in sick on my radio i mean that is if you even want me to stay i won't take it personal if you don't i mean do you want to stay i mean it's your place i don't want to wear out my welcome all right uh no more wishy-washy stuff from now on total honesty zone yeah i want you to stay yeah i want to stay too okay good that's settled all right now i just need to get up what you want to do right now no no i'm not i think you done drained all the strength from my legs all right let me get up this time for real here we go i'll be right back i'll be waiting hi judith shelby hi uh does josh happen to be over there okay uh good um look i've got kind of a big favor to ask i had a little bit of a meltdown with them earlier i could really use the night to myself uh would it be okay if you stayed over with you tonight yeah i'll call you in the morning before i come pick him up okay thanks i really appreciate it okay bye all right officially sick and i just called my friend and she's gonna let my son stay over so my night's free and you can stay as long as you want okay sounds great good so we've dealt with my kids situation and your work situation just leaves one more situation left you want to talk about it nope okay allow me to fix the problem all fixed just like that huh just like that as long as you're on these premises you belong to me so what do you want to do now uh i got a trail that goes out to abbott pond want to go for a hike all right all right all right come on where's the enthusiasm nature hike [Music] get dressed you're a little weird only a little i must be slipping normally i reside somewhere between a high 7.8 low 8.3 on the weirdness scale occasional bump up to an 8.4 when i'm in a really rowdy mood you're a little weird you talk a lot yeah well you barely talk at all so it evens us out you say so i do what nothing it's just after seeing naked seems like a shame to cover up that body with clothes shut up is that a blush i see on miss [Music] shelby [Music] [Music] [Music] that was the first lull in our conversation i don't feel too bad most people have the small talk before the mind willing sex so you do it in reverse it's bound to be a little bit awkward i guess when in doubt make body contact words to live by [Music] this is nice i know right come on i want to show you something [Music] so we had a beaver problem a while back they were total pain in the ass but look how precise their work was oh come down look all right look every tooth mark is like a perfect little hatchet strike think about how much time and patience it would take to bring down a whole tree bite by bite come on i want to show you something else okay so this is something i do with my phone close your eyes all right and don't answer right away take a couple moments and clear your mind and then tell me how many different sounds you can hear okay all right here we go um the wind blowing through the leaves a bird um the water lapping against the shore different bird some kids playing at a house across the pond airplane in the distance that's about it that's good that's six right off the top of your head it's good to clear your mind just focus every once in a while it was the world's just one big loud jumble of noise close your eyes again so have you always wanted to be a cop hell no no until a few years ago i was a musician really what instrument i played guitar in a classic country cover band called whiskey river what made you quit it wasn't any one big tragic event it's just too many years of good but not good enough you know looking back i don't know if it was like a talent a lack of luck i always heard you made your own luck you know who says that lucky people trust me from what i've seen in my own life and my current job bad luck is a living breathing animal if it gets its hooks in you can hold on for years if it chooses to i guess so classic country is that like garth brooks oh what [ __ ] garth brooks while we're at it [ __ ] tim mcgraw and [ __ ] faith hill too i'm talking willy whalen johnny don williams tom t hall not this pop music with a country twang [ __ ] that they make today now country music used to be about the working class and what the working class really was you know alcoholism adultery distracting yourself from small town boredom with destructive habits and now it's just about what the working class wants to see themselves as you know i love my wife and i want to sit on my porch with her and support the troops and read the bible and watch old glory wave in the breeze [ __ ] that but taylor swift is good right you're lucky you're cute i really kind of am so what do you do shelby well g bruce thanks for asking sorry my small talk skills are kind of rusty so what do you do shelby well cheap bruce thanks for asking uh i work at pendleton plastics how do you like that well i don't hate it which at this stage in the game is kind of an accomplishment but there's a sort of poetry in any job if you look for it is poetry and a factor y'all sure like the mom who works four overtime shifts to buy her kid an xbox or the fat old guy who plays nothing but love songs on his radio like what's his deal is he pining for a long lost love or is he waiting for a love that may never come i don't know my old man did that blue collar work for years and he never got any poetry out of it just a bad back and bad knees and a bad disposition well it's a matter of perspective i'll tell you many times in life perspective has saved me from the consequences oh what what happened what's the matter a bug flew in my mouth you should swallow it that's extra protein i could feel its wings on my tongue see that's what you get that's the country god's punishing you for your shitty taste in music here no look a bug breath looks delicious so what is the first thing we do when we get back from a nature height celebrate our daring pioneer spirit no take a check so they usually jump on your pant leg and work their way up so start there okay check my neck they can hide anywhere once i found one of the little [ __ ] in my ear nasty yeah tell me about it i thought i had a scab and so i went to go and pick it and it was one of those little [ __ ] i had to take like an hour long shower just to get the skeeve off but not before i smashed a little [ __ ] with a phone book stop using the word little what you're saying the word little too much you're using one certain adjective oh yeah well here's another one for you stupid that's you funny oh wait there's a tick where there oh giant when it's crawling right on your butt oh there's another one no there's not another one what the hell is that it's my karate chop pose that's what that is it's really intimidating you know it you want something to drink man it's a beat i want to play truth or dare oh fun i dare you to strip down naked and go out on your deck that's not the way it works you have to follow proper protocol you say truth or dare i choose then you give me a challenge that corresponds to said decision oh god all right uh truth or dare dare i dare you to strip down naked and go out on your deck see that wasn't so hard was it harder than it had to be [Music] impressed definitely okay your turn what no i can't take part in public nudity i'm a duly appointed officer of the law it sounds to me like you're a duly appointed officer of chicken [ __ ] oh is this how we're doing it now yeah that's how it is all right i guess i can't sit here and let my character be slandered hmm what's up how does it feel very free back to nature is this your first time with outdoor nudity yep ever yep you need to savor the moment hold on here help me lay this out sit where you're back to my chest ah gotcha good very good goosebumps what gets you going like that weird well now i have to know all right have you ever kissed someone and then they start to laugh right in the middle of it like when your lips are still pressed together yeah i guess for some reason when that happens it sends this vibration from my mouth right to my crotch all right well this i've got to see for myself okay i'm going to kiss you and when i do i want you to tickle my hair oh my god you're getting hard i told you oh you're so odd quiet um hmm that was a poet i'd write a sonnet to the majesty of this ass that's more like it might be like this ugh oh oh god all right you're back oh there's that good grip let me know when you're close i want you to come in my mouth um um uh well i don't know about you but i need to hydrate that behind you don't stay out too long i don't want your junk to get sunburned [ __ ] thought about that having fun under your statement of the century you ready for an odd compliment hit me you have the sexiest [ __ ] face i've ever seen really i try not to think about it while i'm [ __ ] i'm worried about looking goofy and get self-conscious oh the lack of self-consciousness is what makes it so hot that's why most porn does nothing for me most porn stars are so intent on looking flawlessly beautiful that they won't let their faces contort in any way that isn't stereotypically gorgeous and an orgasm face is not that so what you like the grit teeth scrunched facial muscles look i love it are you still in the total honesty zone absolutely i'd like to stick around a little longer if that's cool with you it's a hundred percent cool okay i'm gonna need to call my wife don't use the w word i don't want reality intruding on my fantasy time okay i'll need to call my person better word choice if i say i work at overtime you should buy me the full night i'll take you as long as i can get you i'll get to it then order us some food i don't want to chase you away with my subpar cooking sex skills are more important than cooking skills my sexual ego thanks what nothing squinty mcsquinto don't lock my handicap they do have these things called glasses i have them they make me look dorky no this makes you look dorky don't call your person all right ready set go not a good loser in case you hadn't noticed yeah i just did yeah but uh you don't get to uh quit the race before the finish line that bad boy up okay come on cannonball it cannonball cannonball oh whoa do you need it i'm just trying to swallow the phone get back up the pipe all right you good better let's do it again god no next challenge the festivus feats of strength armor no no way in hell that's happening oh come on why not because i got no upside if i win i beat a chick big deal but if i lose i lose to a chick and then my fragile male ego shattered no upside oh do i smell chicken [ __ ] oh i definitely smell a chicken chicken calling me chicken [ __ ] it's gonna work twice in one day no all right let's go let's go we're ready i can't wait set go oh look who's going down [Laughter] the cia got you pushing too many pencils down she goes boom [ __ ] i'm strong for a girl though yeah you are but that's like saying you're smart for an amphibian so two fingers pick one i can't have both no you're not worthy of both i need a manicure i have you one no no why not i know again no come on i've given boyfriends manicures before one of them even let me paint his face with makeup yeah where are those guys now damn defiant that's how you wear their second dick in a bus stop men's room oh that is entirely possible so next we have the grand cosmic questions of the universe okay okay how it works is i ask you a question then you ask me a question then me you you me creating a volley not like a verbal tennis match okay okay so these questions can be either deep and profound or light and casual an example of the latter what is your favorite beatles song oh [ __ ] the beatles i mean [ __ ] the beatles i mean [ __ ] the beatles i'm not saying they suck i'm just saying they're overrated okay any band that you like was influenced by the beatles not talking about influence i'm talking about the actual music you can break their career in two halves all right the first half day they spent writing candy-ass love songs for teenage girls to scream to which basically makes them the 1950s equivalent to justin bieber for the backstreet boys jesus second half they spent stoned out of their minds doing hippy dippy drug music that is the era where they did their most profound work oh bullsh yeah right songs about kaleidoscope skies and girls with marmalade eyes other way around whichever just real [ __ ] profound okay plus then they added all that indian string [ __ ] and sitar in rock and roll is about guitar plain and simple no wrong no wrong or wrong right right right right which brings me to my question now that we're talking about the guitar when are we going to get a van halen reunion with the four original members right after two decades we finally get roth back and then they fire michael anthony so eddie can jim's idiot son into the lineup you know what i'm really holding out for i'm really holding out for the reunion with their third singer who was that dopey guy no what the extreme guy do not disrespect the greatness of gary sharon oh yeah name one good song from the game jeremy if i wasn't afraid of boring you i could sit here and rattle off every song titled the van halen three much to my eternal sugar oh eternal chagrin good word choice that's close enough about right so we um going back to the beatles you know what i feel really sorry for john lennon all right way to go out on the limb there feeling sorry for the guy that got gunned down in the street no no no no i mean like in terms of like historical significance because like when you look back at their stuff like his stuff was the stuff that like and like his stuff versus mccartney stuff his stuff is the stuff that really dated you're saying one word again over and over his stuff is the stuff that really dated the most like when you look at mccartney stuff it's about stuff that's always going to be there like love and regret 50 years from now some trucker's gonna put yesterday on his ipod 27 and just cry like a baby but when you listen to lennon's you know imagine you kind of want to go oh that's sweet world please run along and play the adults are talking that is exactly what i was trying to say five minutes ago no you said they sucked no i didn't i said they were overrated okay well the overrated is different than dated data doesn't have the same negative connotations whose turn is it it's your turn go quick um when you were a kid okay when you were a kid did you ever have the nickname spruce goose bruce yes really no ask a dumb question get a sarcastic answer my turn okay well what about loose caboose what about my turn all right why do midgets hate being called midgets huh like they prefer little person that's so condescending oh a little person that's terrible and dwarf that makes you sound like a cartoon but [ __ ] is a strong word isn't it two syllables short strong it's like it sounds like hatchet [ __ ] hatchet small but lethal right tell me i'm wrong it's a stronger sounding word okay my safe answer to that is just call them little people and don't ever ask that in mixed and judgmental companies whatever it's a good word you should enjoy it okay own it next topic men in urinals oh two of my favorite toppings two-part question first is it true that you have to keep a one buffer urinal between you and the guy next to you and part two if that's true are you really worried about him looking at your junk no okay there's an unspoken rule that if there's a wall full of empty urinals you don't go sidling up to the one other guy there that's [ __ ] weird but if you're at a concert or something like a crowded event like a football game like all that [ __ ] goes out the window you have guys crossing streams in the same stall pissing in the sink what it's not like it's just another drain it's like your fingers touch the drain when you're washing your hands yeah what about droplet splash that's got to get all over the faucet and the knobs well you're in a sterile anyway and they say you could drink it if you were stranded on a desert island who says that they scientists and [ __ ] oh they they yes they okay all this talk of urine has my bladder in the red alert zone i shall return for the warning always the wise ass never the wiser my mother used to say that that is that it i sounded like there was gonna be more to that sentence i guess not so it's shelby mr bruce did you turn the water on so i wouldn't hear you pee shut up i was trying to be demure and ladylike well i will pay you the same favor only you can switch gentlemanly and refine for demure and ladylike done and done can i hold your gun that's not a toy no i know i told you i have one of my own i did all the basic safety courses what kind of gun do you have 38 revolver yeah you ever shove an automatic nope what's the difference it's more of a kick to it plus the cocking slide makes for pretty badass punctuation to cool one-liners yeah example all right you ain't seen bad yet son but it's coming cool can i try yeah let me get set up great [Applause] all set cowgirl okay um hey scumbag here comes a special delivery um hey scumbag here comes a lead sandwich special delivery there it is how was that that was a good start i do it again yeah let's build on that no no just tell me um okay so right there that button is the clip release do that first carefully i know and there's still a live round in the chamber so you want to slide that back and let it pop out [Music] and then i just slide the clip back in yep okay what you doing got another piece of equipment i want you to try oh yeah yeah oh no you gotta sit first okay do i need to be worried about this do you think you need to be worried good because you know i told you how beautiful you were in the last five minutes you're slipping you're beautiful you're beautiful beautiful i want my arms around you let's do that stay where they are so oh ugh um oh too hard oh no just just keep going seriously yeah seriously no wait wait wait hold on a second why there's a problem and i want to see if i can fix it easily if it's a fuse or something i can fix it really quick you're such a guy wow what an insult i want to be able to look at you oh wow it's not just us little street's out oh there's a flashlight by the microwave on the counter i get it myself but i'm a little tied up at the moment master jokes are you okay yeah it's okay i needed new retinas anyway ugh uh get uh uncuffed me i'll take out some candles okay what uh nothing i just seem to find the keys tell me you're kidding i wish i was um i just hope no you just hope what i just hope i didn't lose him in the woods when we were hiking okay starting to stress here don't worry they almost have to be in this room somewhere you know this is where i got dressed and undressed the most they probably just fill out let me go hey uh growing up did you ever have the nickname uh orange juice bruce no did you ever have the nickname shelby yeah what come on i got nothing yeah that's one of the benefits of being named shelby nothing rhymes with it though of course in high school there was a girl named alison dembrowski and she came up with shelby shelby can go to [ __ ] helby that's creative no it's not creative it's mean i mean i got off easier than a lot of girls there was this one fat girl named michelle clark and then allison nailed her with the nickname moby clark so everywhere she went she would yell heart kirk crowded cafeterias sidewalks everywhere and then there was this girl named ellen zabriskie she had terrible personal hygiene so she had greasy hair and bad acne and alison nailed her with zit zabriskie so you just had to feel terrible for both of them both her and moby clark i wonder what happened to allison i wonder if she like mellowed out as she got older if she has turned into a giant mega [ __ ] are you chief yeah you're babbling yeah i know i'm just trying to hold off the anxiety attack that i see right there on the horizon are you really gonna freak out no no why would i freak out i am just handcuffed to a chair 90 naked with a man i just met and the man carries a high caliber firearm why would i be freaking out how you doing with those keys there oh captain my captain i actually found him a while ago i want to insult you but i'm going to wait till i get loose good strategy hold still oh get this one yeah got a match yep my butt and your face so hilarious it's been so long since i've been able to use that one think about it how often do you get asked for a match these days just give me the match giggling doofus uh you just don't appreciate fine sophisticated humor yeah what if i heard something i'm at the bathroom real quick okay what have we done when was the last time you played checkers by candlelight oh around 2 000 never team good i'll get to kick someone else's butt for a change it's usually my son kicking mine okay okay i'll go first um speaking of my son you were a little boy once right a long time ago so let me ask you something that whole thing with the pounding bullets with the hammer earlier is that something i need to be worried about what is it like school shooter and training [ __ ] yeah something like that no that's just little boy [ __ ] when i was a kid me and my friends put an m80 in a coffee can the idea being that it would shoot it straight up in the air 50 feet like a rocket no instead it blew completely apart like a fragmentation grenade sent all these flying pieces of shrapnel everywhere lucky it didn't cut us in half okay i know you mean well but you're not exactly making me feel better here i'm just saying that little boys are stupid and god tends to have pity on stupid but as long as we're going back to things from earlier you said uh your brother set you up on a date yeah bad i take it it wasn't bad it wasn't like any big disaster or anything it was just 40 minutes of small talk it ended with a loose armed hug yeah i've had a couple of those there was this one thing though he he would do this thing where he would he would chew with his mouth closed but he wouldn't fully swallow every bite before he would shovel the next bite in so there was like always this like chewed piece of food in his mouth like there's only swallowing part of it it was a petty thing to focus on but it drove me nuts no no it's the little things that can really suck sometimes i once dated this girl and before we went out she just painted her nails but she left all this excess polish like all over her cuticles and her fingers it looked like my four-year-old does it and so the whole time i'm just glancing at her fingers thinking does she even know how bad that looks or does she know and just not care like what is that hmm where'd you meet that winner internet dating how else do people meet each other nowadays what i just have a hard time picturing you computer dating why i'm a modern 21st century man i'll tell you what though it totally destroyed that whole manor shower more shower than women cliche oh [ __ ] bull true men are show about looks and weight women are shallow about looks weight height and income so you date a woman taller than you yeah for sure she was hot enough for sure have you ever seen those amazon chicks that uh play for the olympic volleyball team any one of them would [ __ ] you in half yeah i know but what a proud and noble way to go you you said you have a four-year-old yeah is that your only kid no i have a three-year-old too hence the vasectomy both girls one of each what are their names come on a couple of hours ago i had your balls in my mouth you don't get to play the too personal card it's not that it's too personal i just don't like talking about it with anyone for some reason i always have to i always feel like i have to say how great everything is going when i usually don't feel that way i i usually feel like a fraud who has no idea what he's doing we all feel that way sometimes yeah but with me it's not sometimes i don't know it's hard to admit she never worries and i worry so much to the point that i never get to enjoy the process i honestly can't remember the last time i felt happy about it all it's like the way i'm supposed to feel and the way i actually feel are two very separate things she'll show me a cute picture or video of the kids and i know the reaction that she wants and i give it to her but i'm totally faking it and i feel like [ __ ] because i'm faking it i guess i always feel like [ __ ] about some aspect of it it makes me sound like an [ __ ] doesn't it no no it makes you sound like someone who had a hole in their life who filled it with what they thought they should or with what someone expected them to yeah that is kind of it i guess i still think it makes me less of a man in some way we all like to think that we're these perfect angels of virtue but really we're just flawed train wrecks barely keeping it together i know when my husband was dying at the end when things were at their worst i wasn't there for him as much as i should have been there were some days that i just couldn't handle it i wonder what he must have thought on those days when i just didn't show up how much that must have hurt even though he never showed it oh that's family we [ __ ] up we forgive each other we [ __ ] up again yeah it's just not an easy truth to live with well of course i never met the guy but with him getting to marry you start a family with you and wake up every morning to you i bet he probably died a pretty happy and satisfied man well lean over what kiss break get used to this but then can you remember we only have a few hours until daylight and reality hits us in the face yeah back to perspective a few hours can be a lifetime if we use it right for example um uh ugh no it's amazing it's better than any truck it's fine thank you just the feeling crazy tell me ah [Laughter] ugh let's see c you okay um everything so are you awake how soon do you have to leave soon now ish actually i'll be right back [Music] so yeah what do you see happening after you go down that driveway total honesty [Music] i see you picking up your son and i see me going back to my family and i see the both of us going back to our normal boring routines and our normal boring problems and if at some point i should run into you in town then smile at you if i'm by myself and if i'm with my wife then i'll avoid eye contact and the both of us will hold on to our time together as a treasured secret that we used to get us through the sad times so you want to happen god no what what i wanted to go on feeling the way i felt for the last 24 hours i'm not gonna be able to talk you into this am i no i don't know not right now anyway all right then stay with me and that means exactly what you think it does that's a tempting offer but there's no way i can do that sure you can i'm not drunk and i'm not crazy yeah that's exactly what someone drunk or crazy would say let's take a leap of faith that we're both good people [Music] i don't take advantage the only thing you'd be taking advantage of is my moment of clarity [Music] [Music] um [Music] hey judith it's me uh yeah um i just wanted to let you know that i'm gonna be over to pick up josh in about an hour yeah um we can get everyone together tonight sure yeah pizza and a movie sound good okay um yeah i'll give dawn a call too okay uh yeah thanks um it was really good um the best night i've had in a while okay i'll see in a bit okay ugh [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music] ah let's show you [Music] so [Music] so you