Every Dollar Store Ever

(door closing) - Hi, Annie, thanks for watching Tanner. - No problem, Mrs. Damon. - So I only have singles. I hope you don't mind. - Oh no, no, don't worry. This is perfect. ♪ Money, dollar bills ♪ ♪ I got money, I got money, I got money ♪ ♪ I got money, I got money, I got money ♪ ♪ I got money, I got money, I got money ♪ ♪ I got money, money, money ♪ ♪ Money, money, money, money, money, money, money ♪ ♪ Money, money, mah ♪ (clunking) - You're supposed to bring the money to the counter. - Oh, my God, yeah. - Yeah. - Okay. Every dollar store ever. - Oh, my gosh, awesome. I absolutely love these things. I can't believe how much magical joy you can get for only a dollar. (grunting) Hello? Why betray me? - [Man] Price check, can we get a price check? (light music) - Ew, you buy your produce at the dollar store? - So what, the groceries here are perfectly fine. Also, I get two avocados for a dollar. - I buy my avocados from Whole Foods. They're $18 each. - So what's the difference? - $17. - What are you even doing here? - Buying party supplies for my least favorite kid. - [Woman] Dude, sticker packs, let's go. - A hundred balloons for a dollar? This is too good to be true. (laughing) (light upbeat music) (squeaking) Damn. (squealing) Damn. (squeaking) Balls. - [Woman] Do you take checks? - Oh, sick, a Batman toy. Boatman? Ah, lame. - Give me all your money! - Oh, ah, two, three. - In my hands. - Four. - Come on, in my hands. - Five, six. - Heya! (dramatic music) - Whoa, thanks for saving us, Batman! - Actually, I'm Boatman. - Oh, lame. - Yeah, that's okay, I understand. - [Man] I would trust climbing gear I bought here. (squealing) - Damn. (squeaking) Damn. (air puffing) Nice. (popping) Damn. - [Woman] Let's just buy all the snacks. (quirky music) - Can I help you? - $1 therapy? - Yep. - Okay, I'll buy a session. - Great, so what's up? - Oh gosh, what isn't? Well, I've been feeling really anxious lately. - Man, that sucks. - Yeah. - All right, that'll be $1. - Oh. - Thank you, anything else? - No, that's it. - All right, man. See you next time. - Thanks. - Uh huh. - [Woman] Oh, hell yeah, the milk only expires tomorrow. - Get whatever you want, baby girl. It's your day. - Oh, my God, you're the best, yes! - It's my baby girl daya! (disco music) - Oh, um, these too. - Okay, that's gonna be 23.41. - Whoa, tax? Nah, girl put some (beeping) back. It's not baby girl day, heya. (disco music) - I can take some. - I need to say goodbye. Okay, Kelly and Jemima, give a kiss goodbye. Keep that one. - Okay, you know I have dollar therapy sessions, right? - Oh, my God, I really need that. - Yeah, come talk to me. What's wrong? - Everything. - [Man] (gasping) Bibles. ♪ What you gonna get at the dollar store ♪ ♪ He's picking up some plates ♪ ♪ Nope, he changed his mind on the plates ♪ ♪ And now he's walking away ♪ ♪ Wondering what this song is ♪ ♪ This is the dollar store song ♪ ♪ We can't afford to pay for real music ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ - [Woman] I heard the makeup here is actually popping. (squealing) - Damn. - This clown sucks. - Shut up, Sam. You're lucky you even got a birthday party. Blow another. (melancholy orchestral music) - Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. I work at a strip club. Still don't. (laughing) - Yeah, you're gonna be there for a while. You threw a lot of money. You need a broom? - [Woman] Cut, you okay? - [Man Behind Counter] (laughing) Don't hurt yourself. - My daughter would never set foot in a dollar store buying that nasty, nasty. - I don't know who my mom is. She abandoned me 23 years ago. - That's really sad and you should talk to a therapist. - Are you from Nashville? - No, I'm from Arkansas. - Okay, sorry, I thought you were maybe my mom for a second, and I was hoping. - Oh honey, I would never be your mother. - Excuse me? - No, I don't know. (laughing) - Ugh, oh. (beeping) (beeping) (beeping) you! - Hey (laughing). (laughing) - Hey sir, can I take some Sun Chips? - Dude, take whatever you need. - [Man] You would eat Sun Chips, you boring ass idiot. - Shut up, I'm Boatman. I have a boat, you don't. Do you have a boat? You don't have a boat. - [Man] That's, you don't even, where's your boat? - It's outside. - [Man] We live in, we're in Bakersfield. (slapping) - (laughing) I hate that. - I know you do and that brings me joy! (laughing) (slapping) - Anything else? One problem, $1. - No, I think I'm fixed! - You feel better? - Yeah. - Man, that's what I love to hear. - Got ya. - Wow (laughing). - I'm buying party supplies for my least favorite kid. We call him Satan at the house and he likes that. - Did Lil Nas X give him a lap dance? - Little Nas X, are you talking about the Satan shoes? - Yeah. - They have blood in them. - Yeah. - Yeah, well, he's gonna get shot down to hell from the devil and the Lord. - Looks like we'll have party down there. - Who are you? - A terrible improviser. - You are brought on this earth to (beeping) with me. - Yeah. - I don't like you. (laughing) - I actually like that one. - Well, you're an idiot, so. Sorry. - Are you just gonna let her say that to me? - [Woman] Absolutely. - I'm five years old. - [Woman] Absolutely, if you're an idiot, then it doesn't matter how old you are, you are an idiot. - (beeping) - [Woman] That shirt is a idiot. - I'm five. - Is there anything else you can do, like a cat or a dog or a Dalmatian? Animal thing? - I can do a worm. - Great, do a worm. (light upbeat music) I don't know what is happening. - [Girl] I like that, I like that. - Oh, oh, my God. Cover your children, please. - This has awakened something in me. - [Man] Cut. (laughing)

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