Every Single HECKLE Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr

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what ladies and gentlemen this is what I do for a living I think of little jokes in my head and then I tell them to you so that you'll like me it sounds a bit tragic what I said what was that it's not working this is as good as ever [ __ ] gallows I don't come to your work and not the sailors [ __ ] at your mouth do i where are you it's not working man give us a wave what do you do sir you you do telecoms what what do you do do you I do you I do you telephone what sorry you build them Network ironically working communications in Kannada string the [ __ ] sentence together that's the most annoying heckled I get gigs I like you more people join in I like a bit of a heckle a bit of fun but the most annoying one I get is one I've set up a joke just about through the punch line and someone goes it's all invariably it's the same thing so it's words erlan where's Olin it's not my like bete noire it's just a bit annoying where's Alan who's in your house [ __ ] your dad [Applause] I think we all knew including him I think we all knew that was a trap I could feel you as one going hold oh and then one brave soul over there said no now I'm taking one for the team rather your daddy's well that brings me very neatly on to the next bit of material you here's got kids kind of was that well sorry why Jimmy what what you chipped in with something you said go on Jimmy alright ironically slowing things down you often do that just stop people in the street go over you or you don't I just I just don't you just tell you to continue when's the comedy on [Music] what's your name sir what's your name David what's your favorite color David blue seems like the fairest way to deal with your David there are so many things I could say number between one and eight David six okay and you said to me when's the comedy on it says if you want my come back you'll have to scrape it off your mum's tea [Music] these things don't lie David these things online I'm kidding she swallowed a lot was I bullied at school no what sorry but I am a thank you [ __ ] [Applause] we're all having fun I'll just open this can of whoop-ass pop that remarkably confident for a man in some sort of hoodies top what do you do for a living sir do you mind me asking your student what are you studying you're still in secondary school in Ireland and what you want to be when you grow up [Applause] what sorry you want to be a lawyer so you know you're a [ __ ] you're going down I knew you here with this evening you're alone [Applause] so so far we know you're alone and you're a bit of a [ __ ] unlike Enya frankly what's your name sir Chris hi Chris you're right and if you just come over for the shower even come over the weekend just come home for the show what god bless you Chris feel free to join in anytime you want the more aggressive the better frankly sorry tosser right just a rock just pass out yeah you know you're in [ __ ] plans go don't you where someone pays you 2250 to tell you to [ __ ] off so why don't we have a heckle Amnesty lot to three minutes or you can just fill your boots if you've got something abusive to shout Bob at it you actually got Tourette's that was fun [ __ ] bum [ __ ] bum that's should we shut bum by the rudest words you know any other heckles well sorry Peter Kay was sold out so you had to come here I'm lucky I bet he wouldn't accord you a [ __ ] unfortunately I'm not Peter cane my girlfriend well maybe we're good double team err my girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy yes people see my girlfriend and they see me and they say she's only going out with you because you're famous and I say bye and famous what's your point is that your girlfriend as your girlfriend I'm not gonna swap if that's okay [Applause] can I just clarify you are a beautiful lady no disrespect to you where he had called I had to put him down and the only way to get to him was through you I like the way as well I suggest you girlfriend wasn't good looking up and you applauded yeah you'll be using those hands later on when you anyone here been to Alton Towers what you think do you enjoy it I enjoyed it yeah it's great [ __ ] go on without you do you have a [ __ ] time my god tell me more you rock sorry the best thing about Alton Towers was we robbed a fruit machine that is an amazing sentence sorry sir your time is the [ __ ] this evening is now forget it forget that you have been out jammed well talk with you went to Allentown sand your complaint walls not enough to need I love the way you're using now an expression of you robbed a pretty city pretty machine you rob a free machine come on we're friends we all you know I'm a guy you're a guy we steal things from food machines what's your name sir Daniel well nice to meet you Daniel what do you do unless you're the cleaner they've made a massive error of judgment so how long have you been casing this joint about a year and when's the big job this is good do I get paid extra if this ends up on Crimewatch [Applause] why do I laugh like a sexual predator I like the way that there's sexual predator sounds better in your accent than any other a sexual predator I I don't know why I laugh like that it's one of life's mysteries in the same way as why you dressed as a gay lumberjack like big thick logs yeah how BIG's my [ __ ] well I'm not sure whether your mother would be comfortable discussing it but it's speaking of which did you will see that heartbreaking story in the mirror newspaper last year they ran a campaign [Music] are you showing off to the other children are you pretending you can read by heartbreaking story do you mean that it's on page three what sorry so I'm fine for fruit and vege thank you I presume that's what he's talking about know so you'll hear that was a night off for someone in it yes I think if I'm not mistaken that's one of victim Stein's theorems you chalk off his mum [Applause] i I I'm not from Perth so I may never have to make that decision [ __ ] you know you sell that you come from a very broken home I'm not suggesting you [ __ ] your mum but only because you wouldn't want a to time your sister I like reverse cowgirl but you know I'm old-fashioned that way what's your sir various I think I can i yeah I imagine why it's only there that all that maybe bear that he knows what hotel well it's quite a posh one so I'll have to be your place I don't think now they'll let you in they've got policy on that sort of thing and even though I'm not paying you it looks like I'm what how old yeah [ __ ] grandma we're in a hurry how lazy is that how old how old are you or would you mind telling us how old you are how old [Applause] well I'll have a guess how old you think I am you think I'm 12 well you shouldn't even be having those kind of thoughts about me why do I look like Hitler nein nein nein who said many others what sorry I've I've got a big nose what are you [ __ ] [ __ ] I mean I literally don't have a big nose that's a weird hat that's like an insult you've heard someone else use you gone I've got a big [ __ ] left that's gonna work best with the comic with a big nose what's your name sir Thomas what do you do Thomas you're a student what are you studying math math takes are you at school Thomas I don't know if we should continue this any further cuz it's time to feel like grooming you school you got a big nose i oven any other heckles Oh what was that that sounded good gone what was that what was it I'm a pedophile I was just [ __ ] chatting to him I've done nothing let's have a round of applause for the ladies some around ya that's that's probably enough looking around some of them have made no effort you've not made than therefore have yeah ah blessing Mungo no lie I saw your comment there is I haven't made much of an effort well there's some cameras and some [ __ ] lights I don't know what you had in mind that's what I could come to your work and not the sailors [ __ ] out your mouth is it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] seems like a very weird thing from a quite a tough-looking man from Glasgow to say or you've not made much of an effort I thought you'd be dressed up prettier it's a little bit Prison Rape coming for you sir it feels like one sorry is that buckles but that's water you've probably heard of it [Applause] who's the most famous person I've ever met while I'm not on lawns meadow the it's got quite an impressive one I don't want to show off but you know you know you know no you know how villages have got idiots yeah I met the idiot for the whole of Glasgow [Applause] one of the biggest counts in the world yeah a new married him guys again that will only happen in Glasgow you call someone a [ __ ] and their wife goes yeah sex is always bear in hotels have you notice that ladies yeah sex is always bear in hotels why is that is it cuz it's with a hooker because you don't have to watch sorry cuz you don't have to clean the sheets how are you [ __ ] her that there's a hole maybe later oh I see no better the bomb sex going on aye sir I always think you know you're doing something bad sexually bad in a good way when you think we better put a towel down before that happens we think you always know we're doing something you be experimental yeah we better just cover that first kiss yeah I've never done this before it could end badly I don't even know if you're gonna make it through but good luck love what sorry posh prick prick seems a bit harsh what sir what's your name sir Myles Myles you think I might be a bit posh Oh Myles what's your favorite color blue it seems like the fairest way to deal with this you some B lue number between one and eight miles four hmm Oh says if you've come as a [ __ ] you've won ooh interesting little fact for you obsessive Star Trek fans are known as virgins I don't like it when the tabloids are homophobic because that's such an important part of our culture the tabloids when they get it wrong it sends a very bad message do you remember last year when they outed a footballer which is a terrible thing to do anyway they're out of this footballer and in the course of the article where they out of this guy's a homosexual they described consensual oral sex between two adults here two fellows sucking each other off they describe that as a prank how demeaning to homosexuals is that to have that act of lovemaking described as a prank and it also doesn't work from the other point of view because I like to think of myself as something of a prankster but I don't think I've ever said gotcha don't forget the balls that's you you really do care what about to you from sir you're from New York what are you doing over here do you mind me asking you do something you moved here for work what what sort of work do you do I mean I'm not suggesting I need to see your papers but what are you bringing to the party finance an Ikea only thing well then is that cash points you looking at 80s it's our language you [ __ ] ruined it [Applause] yeah next time you have a fight with someone stop getting us involved you're getting blame for everything go on Yuki sorry if it wasn't for you we'd be speaking German how little do you know about our language abilities there's no way we'd have picked it up in 60 years anymore who the [ __ ] has a side parting you gonna kick yourself when I tell ya me bestiality for easy easy let's just think this through cuz bestiality a lot of people just write off as a terrible thing let's look at both sides let's say you [ __ ] a cow and that could happen you sound like a nutter no let's imagine you [ __ ] care you haven't actually harmed the cow cows are [ __ ] enormous you're not gonna trouble it with your tiny [ __ ] but you know but you probably just stress the animal days he's probably thinking what the [ __ ] is he on - on the upside though you've had a whale of a time and if you have a baby with a cow it'll be a minor tall it's like bully from bullseye just putting into terms he'll understand yes [Music] dad what is the worst gift you've ever got birthday anniversary Christmas Valentine's what is the worst piece of [ __ ] you ever got we've had a cool go what what was that say a little bit louder no like what's fine a chair wouldn't what's your name what what sorry Toby Toby do you mind me sharing with the group thank you very much indeed Toby that makes it much easier cuz there's a heckler a good heckle funny heckle but we have to do a heck we'll put down now god I would love if I could just let it go but I can't rules but you don't mind me sharing with the groups that makes it much easier we can go old school what re stop stalling don't panic sir I've got this I'll have to put you on [ __ ] waiter [Applause] Toby's mom is so fat she's a [ __ ] disgrace Toby your mom is such a chunky monkey wobble slob Sakthi boom bah t blubber naught she's so [ __ ] fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders had finished true story you sir what did you say what was it stop stalling yeah what what's your name are you trying to say Gary watch me Gary yeah yeah yeah the [ __ ] is that well Gary if you want my come back you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth people with Tourette's what makes him tick that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you