Im Coming Out

hello guys it's me Nikki hello today I am here to share something with you that I've always wanted to share with you one day but under my own circumstances and it looks like that chance has been taken away from me so today I am taking back my own power and I have to tell you something planet Earth is full of labels and I never feel comfortable with labels I wanted to be my own person my own identity my own human being without any rules without any labels and without any restrictions it is a brand new year it is 2020 and I want to start the year off with the truth I want to start the year off by finally revealing a part of my life that has made me who I am I want to talk about a part of myself that makes me me I can't believe I'm saying this today to all of you for the entire world to see but damn it feels good to finally do it it is time to let go and be truly free when I was younger I was born in the wrong body which means that I am transgender now so surreal saying this filming this video is scary but it feels so liberating and freeing I've been wanting to share this side of myself to all of you for so long but I could never figure out the timing and there always was going to be the day where I would tell you I did not expect that day to be today but here we are I am nikkietutorials and I am Nikki I am me we don't need labels if we are gonna put a label on it yes I am transgender but at the end of the day I am me and at the end of the day you are you I am sharing this with you because I feel free enough now for you to truly follow my journey not the power of makeup but the power of me the power of you just like me you get to write your own story live your life live it without any restrictions you can be you you are in charge of how you want to live your life guys we're in 2020 and if there ever was a time the time is right now I am here to openly share that I am transgender and with this message I want to inspire little Nicky's around the world who feel insecure who feel out of place who feel misunderstood I hope by me standing up and being free that it inspires others to do the same to truly live your life like you want it and the way you deserve it this world needs us we need to accept each other we need to respect each other but most of all we need to hear each other and understand it doesn't matter what type of label someone belongs to what kind of hair color someone has the type of clothing they wear their height their weight their size the way they look the way they want to express themselves it is 2020 and it is time for us to understand accept hear and respect the time for you to love yourself and express yourself the way you truly feel is now I have taken that step many years ago many years ago but I'm fighting my battles every single day and I know you guys are out there too it won't be easy but damn it it will be so worth it when my mom was pregnant she later told me that she was convinced that she was having a girl and little did she know that she was actually having a girl I came out of her and and there was a surprise she didn't get any echoes because she was convinced that it was gonna be a girl and out came me hi and there was a little surprise a surprise to my mom definitely a surprise to me as soon as I had brains to think with ever since I was born I've always thought that I was a girl and I just couldn't understand why why I had short hair why I had to wear trousers and a t-shirt and like why couldn't I wear dresses and I played with dolls I did everything with with nail polish with with hair brushes with fake hair with Barbie dolls like all of me was girly my mom knew immediately that maybe there was gonna be gay or a different type of story and it turned out to be a different type of story growing up I think the number one thing and the most thankful for is my mom love you mom because she has been there for me since day one she has always supported me always accepted me and that is everything you need as a kid a parent that understands and listens and respects so momma tutorials is a real one and she always supported me and by the age of six I grew my hair out people at my school knew I mean they saw and I think by the age of seven eight a fully wore girls clothes only and it felt amazing and the teachers were so supportive about it and of course kids are kids you know this is confusing and some kids got it and other kids in my class did not which is fine but I always be so thankful for all the teachers at that school who supported my journey and supported me I've always lived my youth as a girl and the hardest part of living youth as a girl when you're not fully officially a girl yet is that you have to tell people in your life who you truly are even though you feel like you so this is hard to explain so you feel like you feel trapped is the first thing you feel trapped and you're angry because why me why did I get this but growing up I think the hardest part was meeting new people and getting close to them and telling them aside to your life that you don't even want to talk about because you hate that part of your life you don't want to beat that part of your life you don't want to be known for that single part of your life but still you have to and that is so hard and many a times in my life I've had to tell close friends my true story and it's heartbreaking especially after transitioning and going through everything and closing that chapter you don't want to talk about it anymore because you're like okay that rough part of my life I got through it I survived I did it and now I can close it off but you can never truly close it off for good and I am accepting that nowadays and I am embracing that nowadays because it's time for me to be truly me for all of you just because I know people are gonna ask yes I got fully transitioned by the time I was 14 I got my hormones because I'm a tall bitch and I kept on growing and they were like let's tone that down I got growth Stoppers because I was supposed to be a whole lot taller than I already am today so they stopped my growth and they gave me hormones and by the time I was 19 I fully transitioned I transitioned while on YouTube and saying that right now sounds so crazy to me because I have literally grown up and transformed into me in front of all of you now pulling back to the portion where I talked about having to tell people close to you your true and full story I know people are gonna ask a lot of questions about Dylan now Dylan is a very very special guy and I've never met anyone like Dylan he is truly the most kind-hearted man in my life our relationship moved so fast and the thing is especially for me and I don't know how other trends people do this but especially for me this is my story when I in my love life it is flippin scary ok trusting someone enough to be truly you flip and scary so to me I wait until I tell my full story until I know I'm in good hands because people out there are scary and dangerous so Dylan and I we clicked and he didn't know he knows now Dylan knows about my past but I wish I'd told him sooner everything felt so magical so good that I was afraid to lose him if I would tell my full story and at the point where I told him my full story of course it was shocked but that is a private matter that we're dealing with and that I'm so proud of that we're able to deal with I truly hope that people out there who are watching this respect our relationship that way that we can handle it privately Dylan is such a strong inspiring human being and I am honored to be by his side and you guys know that I am NOT the most public person about my life we're kind of changing that up today but I've always been private about my relationship I always happen in the past I am in the future just because still in the husband on my channel doesn't mean I want to share all the dirt or all the bad stuff or all the good stuff like all the stuff on the Internet so just like always my love life is ours it's private but just know that we're working I do want to address though that if you're watching this and you're in the same situation and you have truly fallen in love with someone you have to tell the person that you love at some point it's what they deserve it's what they need you can't be holding this back from them take it from me share it with them the sooner the better of course wait until you know that you're in good hands safe hands but the sooner the better the number one thing that I'm concerned about sharing this with you today is first of all oh my god this feels so liberating you have no idea that for 11 years that I've had my channel this has been with me and I always wanted to share this with you but I cannot believe that after today the world will know but there's one thing that I really really want to make so clear to all of you I am me I am still Niki nothing changes about that the last thing I want in my life is for you to not trust me anymore or to look at me with different eyes or look at me in a different manner or think that I have changed I have changed in a bit because damn this feels liberating and freeing but I at the end of the day I'm still Niki and nothing changes about that the number one thing on my channel is my love for makeup and the reason why the trans part of me never got to the light was because I wanted my channel to be about my art I one of my art to do the speaking for me so I hope you understand that after all these years I'm sharing it with you now but nothing changes because at the end of the day on my channel my number one passion is the power of makeup my number one passion is makeup the power of transforming myself and the way I've had a transformation huh I've always wanted to live in a world where I saw myself as me as Niki as a woman as a girl as a boss lady this was my way out you know I started my channel back in the days where I still got really really bullied for all of this and this was my way out this was my free world where I could truly be me and you guys didn't judge me for anything but at the end of the day my story is beautiful I'm proud of my story no more holding back no more secrets from today on you get me and since I'm sharing this with you today I feel like my relationship with all of you is gonna be a whole lot more open than it ever has been in the past I think I'm ready for that now some of you may still question why in the intro I said that I didn't think today would be the day I've always wanted to share this side of my story with you I just wanted to do it under my conditions but apparently we live in a world where other people hate on people that are truly themselves I have been blackmailed by people that wanted to leak my story to the press and at first it was frightening it was frightening to know that there are people out there that are so evil that they can't respect someone's true identity it is vile and it is gross and I know you are watching this they said they wanted to leak it because I'm lying or that I don't want to tell my truth or because they feel like I'm too scared for people to know who I truly am I'm not scared so to the people who tried to blackmail me and thought they could really mess up my life with that this one's for you I hope you can sit nice on it boy oh boy are we starting off 2020 with a bang glow babies today's the day I am free and I get to be me finally please know that this doesn't change anything about me my love for makeup has always been real I have always been real I have no idea how this is gonna go I don't know if people are gonna hate me I don't know if people are gonna accept me all I know is that I haven't changed you're seeing the same Nikki right now as you saw a couple years ago now if you look at my first video however that is a change because I have grown into you a self-respecting loving woman I want to think a couple of people may laugh before I close this off the first one is all of you you have always supported me you have always had my back throughout all these years and I have a feeling that hopefully today you're there for me more than ever I really hope so I want to thank my mom my beautiful mom my strong inspiring mom because she's been going through it she's been so nervous for me she's like oh my god the day has come we're sharing it oh my god I don't know how to feel mom I think we're gonna be okay I want to thank my brothers I want to thank my stepdad I want to thank my family I'm gonna think Linda I want to thank you Sanne I want to thank my manager Wes for pulling me through because he has been supporting me so much but at the end of the day I also really want to thank Dylan because he is Dylan I cannot believe we're here just for the of it let's do a Dutch friend of the day today's Dutch word of the day is for woman Flo oh I'm a mother fluffing flour baby that's right as always if you want to get featured in my next video I don't even know what my next video is gonna be I'm gonna wait and see how this is all gonna land so if you want to feature it in my next video all you have to do is leave the Dutch word of the day down below so and if you feel like you're trapped and there's no way out know that it gets better trust me it gets better hello babies I love you so much thank you so much and I will see you on the next one