oh my god I just realized this is my first video with my new intro and my hair's Ivan blonde anymore I have to show you my new intro I'm back with guy and I'm gonna let him die my hair a color again but I'm an hour late and let me tell you why you texted me at 10:20 has this we're at 10 I was literally sitting on the couch in my underwear doing nothing there's no reason that I was late I was like drinking coffee to text music where are you and I was like oh my god for some reason I thought not so much think it's completely brown on the top I closed all the blinds Brown how can I grow that quick my hair just grows so fast which is weird because I'm so unhealthy and I invited my deficiencies so I don't know how I don't think my vitamins I don't I know I should I'm gonna surprise you with we don't know what I'm gonna do right yeah that's the best way to do it because I'm such a neurotic person that I'm always like oh I just let you do what you want are you doing that again where you're gonna do a blonde you're just gonna be like it's so cute let's leave a blonde guy it was wondering if I'm gonna do another song that's gonna feature a rapper and then I was wondering if he wanted to be the rapper so do you want to spit some water today you got me twisted think about the way that things used to be when you were with me I was so three C's you have my from this I just told them that I almost cut my own bangs and they both excited not today but soon I'm gonna let a guy cut my hair into a bob have you heard of Lorena Bobbitt no what is that Lorena Bobbitt is famous for cutting off her husband's penis you never I for Bob well she went snip and then your hair was gonna go snip Lorena Bobbitt Lorena Bobbitt she said he always has an orgasm and he doesn't wait for me to have ever to have an orgasm is selfish you know what guys unless you let me maybe I'm too quick to pass the blame maybe I should ask someone to place my first live performance of satellite for me outside look at him what you know just wear a pin don't wanna be loved [Music] I'm tired now I did any push up she's out of breath it means I have anxiety and it's hard for me to be in public sometimes and some probably imploding higher look how much higher we went just a color in there but I think it's the perfect color for you because I'm going to blend that demarcation line blurring down and you can tap fun and then that fun will fit into the most perfect blonde that's what I saw guys like I love being blonde but I want to do something fun but then like I also want to be blonde again so you said he's doing something where it's gonna be fun and then it'll be blonde again so it's gonna be perfect all right the process is ending we're gonna get rinsed out you guys ready no say what - so this is a dusty lavender is that what you called it dusty lavender it looks silver to me there's like some Rose in there and there's some like purple and there's some blonde and there's there's just a lot I'm glad they're in person what's wrong yeah I feel like right now it like looks gray purple on blonde hair fades until i can I see Elsa white-wine fears that once controlled me can't get to me yeah except the fact that it totally got to me so just keep watching the video to see you can do I think it looks lavender here we're gonna be pissed they're gonna get it blonde again I just wanted to see it out here can you guys see it I'll be ready to go get Korean barbecue I'm ready he's going on here nothing just posing just posing posing oh the wind like a music video I love your new hair like my new hair daddy hey guys so I actually filmed this on Sunday when I first got my hair done and I was looking at the footage as I was editing and even I was like okay bitch be more dramatic there's people dying however I did learn something about myself and I wanted to share it because I don't know I sometimes I have a revelation and I feel like I want to share with the world and this is one of those revelations first of all I'd like to start by saying that I think this looks cool he did a great job guy is incredibly talented we all know this so this is in no way of me saying that he did a bad job or he didn't do what I wanted or anything like that because he's so incredibly talented this looks sick anybody would be stoked to have this hair you know it's really dirty right now of course I could have washed it whatever after I got my hair done pretty immediately I started feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety and I couldn't figure out why because I always kind of go into it especially with guy with trust and whatever is gonna come out of it is gonna come out of it and it's gonna be cool but for some reason this made me feel so not myself not grounded and this is one of the things about anxiety is you don't understand it and it will literally fuck up your day and your life and even if you like have no reason to be upset it will make you upset but I found I believe the reason that my hair upsets me so much and why it matters so much to me if you guys remember from the video where I chopped off my own hair I gave this huge thing about my hair being a safety blanket and how it was just something that I've always felt made me look pretty and I never wanted to change it and how many times I would go to a salon and literally have an emotional breakdown if it didn't turn out the way I wanted or even if it looked fine and it was just different it would freak me out but then it would be weird because I would do random shit like go-to guy and be like do whatever you want or one time I had Andrew cut my hair and I would dye my own hair and in those situations he knew that the outcome might not be great like obviously Andrew doesn't know how to cut hair I knew that when I was like hey let's make this video and you cut my hair that it might look like shit when I died my own hair I don't know if it's gonna turn out okay I don't I'm not hairstylist but the one thing about that is it's always my control so even if I cut my own hair or I have someone who doesn't know how to cut hair cut hair or I dye my own hair even if it looks horrible I go into that situation knowing that it might look horrible or even in the situation where I went to guy and I was like do whatever you want to my hair I knew that there was a likelihood that I might not like it because I gave him free rein and I let him do whatever he wanted so even in that situation I was like if it turns out a way that I don't like that's okay because that's the situation that I created for myself and even if I don't like it its content and that is what I've learned is it's never so much my hair and what it looks like but it's the feeling of control and this is part of okay so one of my diagnosis diagnosed diagnosis is I have C PTSD which is a form of PTSD that isn't Google it if you want but I have a serious problem with losing control where I grew up in chaos and a lot of my life has been chaos so I would grab control wherever I could find it to try to make sense of the chaos so some people would control what they were eating and that's how eating disorders form sometimes and some people would cut themselves and that would be their sense of control and I think for me I really latched on to my hair and that became something that I could control because I didn't have money I didn't have nice clothes I didn't have nice makeup I didn't even have braces so I had fucked up teeth the only thing that I consistently got comments on and compliments on was my hair and girls would always tell me all the time I love your hair it's so beautiful it's so soft I wish I had your hair and that was something I could control I could change it or in my case choose to not change it but if I did change it change it in a way that I am controlling the change and it became a safety blanket it was the one thing that was first of all constant in my life it sounds ridiculous but I swear that's the thing of course it sounds ridiculous it's that's like the weird thing about like anxieties and mental illnesses is it never makes sense to other people so that's why it was such a huge gesture when I cut my hair off in the first place because it was my safety blanket it was the thing that I felt comfortable with and in my world of chaos it was something that didn't change I always had long brown soft hair so then I thought this was the statement cutting my hair off it's a statement I'm dying at purple but again I cut it myself I cut off nine inches who when they're cutting off nine inches of hair doesn't go to a salon me because I needed to control it if it was fucked up if I hated the decision it was my fault if I went to a salon and they cut off nine inches and then I didn't like it then that would be completely out of my control and my world would spiral and then my hair started from there becoming such a huge part of my identity where girls were showing up to my meet-and-greet and overnight they had chopped off their hair and dyed it blue and purple and they started correlating it with me like that started becoming me so then I did another drastic change to my hair and I went blonde and then that became this big like glow up and like everyone who was like your transformation to glow up you look so good with blonde hair and then that started becoming my safety blanket just the idea having hair I don't know it's so hard to explain but so I went back to guy my roots were completely grown out but I knew that I wanted to stay blonde for a while because I got a lot of positive feedback on the blonde I felt really sexy with the blonde but I was also bored so I said hey let's do this but let's color it in a way that I could have a fun color for a little bit and then it'll fade back to blonde so in my head what was going to happen was my like yellow golden blonde would eventually be back but on top of it we're going to put like a rose gold or like as you did lavender but with the lavender you have to like lift it to a lighter color and then the blonde turns white not gold so then at that moment my hair had already been lifted this sounds so insane but my hair had already been lifted to a very very very light blonde and the purple was in which means it was going to turn white and at this point it's completely out of my control and it sent shockwaves through my body again I didn't look in the mirror and say I hate my hair this looks bad because it looks cool I look I like this I think this is really sick but it was something that I didn't decide and it was something that I wasn't expecting and this one thing that I've always felt is in my control I had suddenly lost control and it felt silly and it felt embarrassing and then I went to my keys after and I was literally just obsessing over it and like purging tears holding back tears so you know in the moment I know it's ridiculous and I'm saying out loud I know I know it's ridiculous like I know it and she's just like no I understand like I'm a girl I get it like I get really upset when my hair is not right - because it's a part of your appearance and it's a part of your job it's a part of your image but even she didn't quite get like the severe identity and control and anxiety issues that I have where I just anyway I think this looks cool I think it's really fun I don't know if I'm going to keep it guy and guys great immediately as soon as he thought that I was like upset he's just like come back tonight and like we can change it to whatever you want we can strip the purple right now it'll come out in a few washes we could put brooms golden to it we can tone it back to regular gold or ice bond like whatever you want we could do it and I didn't go back that night because I didn't even know what I wanted and it looks cool like that's a that's the thing it's like it wasn't lost on me that look this looks sick and like I wanted to rock this for a little bit it's just it wasn't my decision I'm just talking in circles now um anyway I don't know why I just felt compelled to share that with you I'm learning a lot about myself this year just this year I feel like this is the year of realizing stuff and we're all just realizing different stuff but seriously I've realized a lot about myself and I'm learning stuff about myself every day and really coming into myself each day I feel like I'm less afraid of my emotions and less embarrassed of my emotions and more willing to talk about them and share them and if anything I hope that there's something in here that might help you feel less ridiculous that means anything because I spent a lot of time feeling ridiculous and having people make me feel ridiculous about these things and my PTSD is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life and I will have these weird erratic breakdowns and I will get upset about things that I don't understand and all I can hope is that I will continue to learn because now I feel like I can finally start to let go of whatever the anxiety with my hair is because I understand it now and that was the one thing about therapy that it took me a while to figure out I couldn't figure out why we're always just dredging up these old things I didn't understand so it's just like this is in the past it doesn't matter we don't need to be talking about this and my therapist would always say no you need to process it like you need to understand and I didn't get what that meant and I'm finally getting what that means is when you finally locate the root of a problem and then you process that and you understand it you can start to move away from that behavior I solve a lot of problems left I know I can be challenging sometimes even for myself this is all part of it this is just part of growing up this is just part of this is part of it anyways I love you guys so much thank you for listening to that rant I hope I said it as well as I could have and you know what do you guys think about my hair should I keep it I change it it's supposed to be lavender umm it looks a little silver gray II to me there's still some blonde streaks in it and again guys absolutely incredible he will do whatever I want to it whenever he's just like let me know when you're ready I can come to your house I really he's absolutely wonderful and if you want to watch the hair transformation he put it all on his channel I'll link it down below and also thank you so much to this week's showstopper of the week thank you for being so supportive I always think somebody who likes and comments on my Instagram pictures or is liking and retweeting my tweets thank you so much for the support thanks for standing by my crazy as always I love you very much thanks for being a part of my family and I'll see you next time guess I gotta be content with in the darkness a lovely place [Music] but hide-and-seek is only fun if somebody's looking and nobody