OVER 70 MINUTES OF VISUAL JOKES Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr

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if my grandmother knew how much i spent on her funeral she would be spinning in her ditch when i was a kid i didn't want to imagine my parents having sex so i'd watch them from the wardrobe can closet gay agrophobics ever come out how can you possibly explain the concept of death to a young child well you need a hammer and a hamster he's not going to live on a farm as he's all over the [ __ ] job it always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm but apparently i ruined that funeral [Applause] i remember in the playground my dad's harder than your dad it's not really the issue the issue is both our dads have erections in a playground researchers have created a contraceptive pill that deactivates sperm before it reaches the womb my girlfriend's got something similar called stomach acid ten percent of women have cried in a shop changing room i guess they weren't expecting to see me there here's an interesting fact the reason morris dancers wear bells is so blind people know their [ __ ] too they say a problem shared is a problem halved didn't really work with aids did it do you know you can get aids from a toilet seat but only if you sit down before the last guys get up my girlfriend asked me recently she said what's happened to your sex drive i said i burnt it and smashed it with a hammer i was worried the police were going to get hold of it humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure but a dog will do it for a biscuit every year in my show i write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception so what i thought i'd do now and show you some of the pictures i've done to illustrate the next jokes you want to see them excellent news because that is what happens next i've had some ideas i'll kick off with some ideas i've had an idea for a rape alarm that when you press it it plays the benny hill theme music you know to make it more of a caper some advice for you the best way to test the temperature of a bath is with a baby's elbow i've had an idea of how to prop up our currency the pound against the euro and the dollar what we do is we print new pounds and this time the queen is smiling and if things get really bad tits out your majesty little joke for you what'd you get if you crossed the queen and prince philip killed in a tunnel too soon it's been 14 years get over it all right point taken i'll drop that from the raw variety [Music] i say that prince philip have probably pissed himself although he's 82 he'll probably piss himself anyway some thoughts for you when you think about it a rhino is just a unicorn that didn't moisturize [Music] gillette gillette claims to be the best a man can get what about a [ __ ] from twins whatever happened to jedward the speed men shave in adverts if i shaved at that kind of speed my balls would be in shreds when i was told i was bipolar i didn't know whether to laugh or cry friend of mine's got ocd for those of you that don't know ocd is an abbreviation it's just a shorter quicker way of saying i'd be a really annoying girlfriend true story if all the veins in your body were laid out in a straight line you would die let's talk about some social issues my neighbor is noisy and nosy he's always banging on the walls shouting there's anyone there i've fallen there it's none of your business if anyone's here still he's gone quiet now [Music] childhood is now effectively over by 11 which is when the pubs close and uncle terry gets home [Music] oh uncle terry i was traumatized as a child our priest was cheating on me [Music] i just want to reach out to people that attempt suicide and say come on have another go keys to the city that's a weird thing isn't it the keys to the city of course they don't have that in liverpool do they you just get given a coat hanger as a fashion statement socks with sandals says i'm either a german a pedophile or a [ __ ] quite possibly all three apologies to any pedophiles or [ __ ] we have in it's not going to be any germans at a comedy gig health let's talk about health that's important isn't it i heard that because of women putting on so much weight during pregnancy it's a good idea to take off your wedding ring so i did [Music] posh spice victoria beckham she's so thin she's got to be careful when she has a bath because if the water's too hot she could turn it into stock obese children put a lot of strain on the nhs not to mention seesaws and swings you know things carry on as they are it's predicted that in 40 years time the average toddler will be 43. i tell you what let's talk about religion that couldn't possibly upset anyone [Music] if jesus is the way and to be a christian is to be in christ then are all christians just in the way jesus says he loves me but i worry about the age gap now you'll notice that a deference and respect to our lord and savior jesus christ i've let him by me i've got a muslim friend who's really religious feel the tension in the room i've got a muslim friend who's really religious he knows the quran backwards which is handy because that's how you read it surprisingly well informed and inoffensive joke about the islamic faith and that's because i'm not a [ __ ] idiot what are the christians going to do forgive me good luck with that speaking of christians any catholics in a few catholics catholics are a weird bunch look at the rosary basically anal beads well broadly speaking as i say this is what i do for a living sometimes it doesn't quite work out because sometimes i have an idea for a joke and then i'll sort of look at it in the morning and go you know if i've scribbled it down on a bit of paper at four in the morning i look at it in the morning and go well sort of half a joke but it's not the funny half sort of a bit more a bit more you know challenging it's a bit more esoteric and oblique means difficult to understand make an effort [ __ ] so i thought we might go through some of these right um i've got visual aids i realize it sounds bad when i say it like that i don't mean i was walking through a park and i taught two homosexual men having sex and a bit must have got in my eye and now i've got all at eyes i don't mean that i mean i've got some pictures to help these are slightly more challenging bear with me if a giant tape and a table tennis champion got into an argument over a karaoke machine would the newspaper headline be king kong ping pong sing-song i'm writing a diet book it's called put that down fatty pedophilia is wrong it's pedophilia of course the main cause of pedophilia good looking kids could you blame him i was adorable do you realize if you put your teeth in coca-cola overnight you'll drown people actually believe neil armstrong was the first man on the moon [ __ ] it was mr takeshi a gardener from nagasaki was standing next to where the bomb landed too soon they say it's bad luck to put up an umbrella indoors but i think it's raining indoors you've already had your bad luck the problem with unidentified flying objects ufos is if they identify them they're just flying objects f os and then if they land it's just no i saw an o oh lofts lofts are magical places where it's always christmas it only happens once a year but when i collect the christmas tree in the car it looks like i've overdone it on the air freshener if we are going to put an end to global poverty now is the time to stock up on trainers i'm joking we're not going to put an end to global poverty they now make non-alcoholic cider now correct me if i'm wrong that's apple juice one in three scottish women is clinically obese as are the other two when you think about it a bowls club full of pensioners is like an upside down graveyard if ever i'm in a cemetery i like to think that's what's going on underneath whenever i talk to an old person i always think what a privilege but they never thank me of course talking to an old person is like having access to living history which is a lot like normal history but reeks of piss there is a law that states pregnant women can urinate anywhere they want brilliant news i think my nana might be pregnant the big shopping center near us is called lakeside and my girlfriend said the other day lakeside is so crowded no one goes there anymore we were in the car she said where would we be without sat nav i was looking after a friend's cat while my friends went on holiday and i was worried about over feeding the cat so i asked her about it because i thought well she'll know about that sort of thing here's what she said she said don't worry cats on pigs like dogs what the [ __ ] does that mean cats aren't pigs like dogs good well that's really clarified i used to have table football in the house we had foosball in the front room of the house it was brilliant then she moved in she hated it she said it was too blokey so what i did was i fill the table football up with water and now we play synchronized swimming she came home the other day she was all excited she was thrilled with herself she said i saw a man with one platform shoe i said no you saw a man with a club foot no one's got one platform shoe no one's half into 70s fashion unless it was heather mills on the way home from a disco probably not a friend of mine dresses his labrador in a yellow fluorescent jacket and takes it everywhere he goes it looks ridiculous is he blind don't worry he's never going to see the show why do deaf people watch tv so late at night is it because they always sleep through the alarm i'm not sure if it counts as incest but i'm pretty sure when i was growing up my dad was [ __ ] my mum i woke up with an erection this morning on reflection i wish it been my own [Music] saw a headline in the paper it said homeless shelter burns down i thought well what are they now homeless sir no they were trapped inside they're all dead if you know the difference between a kayak and a canoe you probably don't know what it's like to have sex the highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle was done by a british man 146 miles per hour on a bicycle that is pretty impressive it was recorded at a level crossing still counts the great wall of china longest wall in the world not one cash point some people think islamic fundamentalism is a very real threat what i want to know is one of the salvation army gonna step up to the plate the most commonly shoplifted book in the world is the bible yeah which sounds weird but then makes perfect sense because how you meant to know not to steal it till you've read it [Music] i got handed a leaflet in the street saying god loved you so much he nailed himself to a cross i thought what one-handed the pope the pope doesn't approve of condoms which is fair enough he's entitled to his opinion but how does he suggest i smuggle cocaine if i went on a dragon's den i would pitch the dragons a device that makes you less of a self-satisfied smug [ __ ] i've discovered there's a big difference between having something engraved for someone and having something of theirs keyed to rejoice in someone else's misfortune the germans call it chardon freud we call it you've been framed they say revenge is best served cold and they say revenge is sweet so really what they're saying is revenge is ice cream i think it goes without saying i'm glad you agree i was tempted just to go for 40 minutes oh that would have been terrifically funny or [ __ ] maybe [ __ ] um i've had an idea for a children's book i was going to run it past you it's an idea for a children's book it's about a boy that can see into the future after he gets raped by a unicorn for a bittersweet we don't have an ensuite bathroom but we do have plastic sheets if anything it's more convenient i was in the cinema and something struck me i think it was a peanut m m i'm a great driver last year got 25 points if you're scottish and you don't know how you're going to die look away now heart disease when my doctor told me i had heart problems i took her with a pinch of salt to cut a long story short frodo does it well we've just done ladies gentlemen somewhere in the region of 60 jokes in 10 minutes that's quite a lot of jokes per minute that represents value for money during the credit crunch i believe well done me what i've been trying to do is write the shortest joke possible so i can pack even more jokes into the show so last year in the show i had a four word jokes only four words long but it's a proper joke venisons dear isn't it it's only four words that doesn't [ __ ] about get straight to the point so this year i thought well i'll go one louder i'll attempt a three word joke so for your delight and delectation stationary store moves clearly not impressive enough i will now attempt a two-word joke dwarf shortage i've got some more pictures do you want to see some more pictures see some more pictures i was going to talk to you briefly about sports ladies and gentlemen chinese gymnast lou lee is the smallest person ever to have taken part in the olympic games lou lee was just four foot three inches tall wow we was the second smallest ice dancing of course ice dancing won't be around any fans of ice dancing in ice dancing of course won't be around forever because of global warming and aids [Music] snooker and dance snooker and darts have seen their viewing figures steadily declined since the introduction in 1983 of remote controls just 22 percent of liverpool fans reside in liverpool the rest are on remand in other cities wayne rooney he's not as clever as he looks let's talk about technology stephen hawking stephen hawking is sort of half man half computer i bet when he dies it's a virus [Music] he's got medical insurance and norton [Music] in america they're called astronauts in russia they're called cosmonauts and in britain they're called balloonists the greatest ride at disney is the girl that works in the toffee apple kiosk [Music] pornography i'll come to that later if you'll pardon the expression and the expression of course will be that of a turtle [ __ ] the thing with internet pawn is it still has the power to surprise us i saw something on the internet the other day that really shocked me it was one man having sex with one woman there was no gang bang no dp no anal no dwarves no three-way no water sports no girl on girl no gagging no [ __ ] no granny fanny no dv no d.a no females no milf so no one look bailey legal it was just one man having sex with one woman i thought who comes up with this crazy [ __ ] let's talk about sex adult supervision to me adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras the average speed of ejaculation is 43 miles per hour which is why it's so important to keep it away from children [Music] 20 is plenty around children you've got to be very careful with the language that you use for example say fiddlesticks instead of vibrators i don't think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators you've made your decision [Applause] no more sin on the fence neither hermaphrodites [Music] can go and [ __ ] themselves [Music] a transvestite is a man that dresses to look like a woman and the woman they dress to look like is jane mcdonald someone told my girlfriend the best way to improve oral sex was to hum all i'm saying is the theme from corey is not erotic anal sex for women is like marmite it's brown and it smells funny condoms come in packs of three ideal for married couples because there's birthdays christmas valentines i don't think you should ever treat a woman as a sex object but i do think you should give a rinse after you've used them you don't agree you'd rather be left looking like a plasterer's radio my girlfriend's got a cleanliness problem downstairs the kitchen's a [ __ ] state i'm joking she's actually got a virulent yeast infection in her vagina [Music] let's talk about relationships the last relationship i had i ruined by blurting out i love you too early which gave away the fact i was hiding behind the curtains [Music] people often ask me about most embarrassing moment it's probably when i first got introduced to my girlfriend's parents i remember my girlfriend saying there's the bad man there i don't like the term partner because it makes it sound like we're fighting crime [Music] i don't like the term housewife or stay-at-home mum i prefer to say lazy [ __ ] my girlfriend says she's good at doing two things at the same time if that's the case why is a threesome out of the question don't judge me i improvised it's not that bad it's got a face i often walk around the house naked until the neighbors chased me inside [Music] some friends of mine just had a baby but because of some issues they had to use a surrogate mother and because of a medical thing they had to use a sperm donor so really what i'm saying is some people i don't know just had a baby one of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is that when you wake up in the morning your eyes are so sticky you can hardly open them my girlfriend has a lot sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits right final one of these this is my favorite joke in the show i'm gonna try not to [ __ ] it up but i slightly [ __ ] it up last night because i giggled halfway through but i'm gonna dig deep for birmingham come on okay i can do this when i broke up with my first wife i didn't want anything from her in the settlement except a pint of milk four egg yolks a vanilla pod an ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of single cream she mixed the whole up in a bowl and she threw it at my face but on the plus side i did get custody i was asked recently glasgow by like a proper publishing company proper publishing company said to me do you want to write an autobiography and i've given it a little bit i thought i've made some notes and i thought we might go through the notes this evening and see whether we think it's a good idea for me to write a book just out of interest if i wrote a biography who here would would buy it well it might just be worthwhile you never know your luck um well look i've been asked to write it so i thought i'd make some notes obviously my first thought when they said you want to write a biography was well i wish i'd kept a journal but i never kept a journal because i'm not a fat goth girl the first thing you've got to talk about if you write one of these kind of cashing on your fame biographies you've got to talk about being famous you know has fame changed me no i've always been a bit of a [ __ ] it's a very odd thing being famous i get this thing happen now where about once a week someone will come up to me in the street and go i know you from somewhere do we go to school together and i've discovered there's no way to say to another human being no we didn't go to school together but do you own a television without sounding like a total [ __ ] [ __ ] what sorry is that bug fast no that's water you've probably heard of it [Applause] who's the most famous person i've ever met well i might once met her uh the um it's quite an impressive one i don't want to show off but you know you know you know no you know how villages have got idiots yeah i met the idiot for the whole of glasgow one of the biggest [ __ ] in the world yeah and you married him guys again that will only happen in glasgow you call someone a [ __ ] and their wife goes yep oh don't i know [ __ ] here now um yeah i'll record it in glasgow be fine really really the big advantage to being famous as i see it is if i ever get alzheimer's i want to be absolutely fine if i ever forget who i am i'll be fine because as i wander around town for the day people are constantly going oh look should we come hold on oh look jimmy don't look jimmy kyle jimmy so if i forget my identity i'll be constantly reminded the downside to that is about five percent of the time people get it wrong and think i'm alan carr so about once a week i'd end up back at the care home sucking off an old fella i don't really like it looks let's talk about my looks well could be worse it could have been a pop-up book looking at me you wouldn't think i was voted the fourth sexiest man in britain and you'd be right i wasn't people often ask how do you get the jimmy carl look well get your mother to drink heavily during pregnancy sorry mate no offense i do look a little like roger federer and a lot like ian beale's daughter from eastenders yeah i wish that wasn't funny i wish that didn't ring true but sadly it does doesn't it it's an odd thing being on tv being on stage in front of all you people it makes you more vain than you should otherwise be i mean i'm a 37 year old man i shouldn't be vain at all i realize you can't polish your turd but you can roll it in glitter can't you so you do the best with what you've got and i always try and make the best of myself you know i try and you know dress well and present myself well it only ever leads to embarrassment vanity i remember the first time i did a room this size in london my older brother came to the gig yeah i've always looked up to my older brother came to the show came backstage afterwards he didn't say anything about the performance he just went are you wearing makeup and to my eternal shame i went no it's tinted moisturizer i realize now i couldn't have sounded geared to him with two [ __ ] in my mouth let's talk about my career i've got a terrible boss self-employed i'm currently on sexual harassment charges of course on the other hand you are looking at employee of the month how can i explain what it's like you know when you walk past like an electrical goods store and they've got all the tvs in the store hooked up to one camera and you kind of do that weird thing of waving yourself as you walk by and there's an odd moment where you go well i don't want to stop waving because i'm still waving that's what channel 4 is like for me i'm like their [ __ ] screensaver and for the moment it's just stand-up and tv for me my acting career has been put on hold and that was a decision taken by you the british public yeah a lot of comedians i started with have now gone to hollywood to make movies which is great you know well done them but there's something called loyalty and there's something else called a lack of talent and no offers just notice does that can you all just keep a little bit quiet for a second i've just noticed there's a man over there that put in a blue jumper i think he might be asleep if you could just keep quiet around him just shush oh [ __ ] he's woken you're having a [ __ ] weird dream aren't you i wouldn't fall asleep again something very bad will happen i was gonna teabag him [ __ ] it's annoying isn't it sounds like it would have been a very popular choice what's your name stephen you had to have a little thing though didn't you all right and what'd you do stephen you're a footballer who who do you play for stran raw he's a footballer he plays for stran ra okay i'm [ __ ] [ __ ] at football as well mate don't worry about it that's fine don't worry about that don't feel bad strand run is that five aside is it you got a full team wonderful well i bet you're a great kicker you're lazy [ __ ] try and pay attention it's not like people fall asleep when strandra are playing oh no hang on that's a bad analogy you lazy [ __ ] i've noticed a trend in publishing just the last couple of years the more depressing the childhood segment of the book the better the book does the better the biography does people love reading about kind of horrible depressing childhoods so i've had a crack at writing a heartbreaking childhood memoir which wasn't easy for me because my childhood was actually fine i was in a lot of fights at school why not a lot one and it wasn't a fight it was a debating society and i wasn't in it i was watching still don't [ __ ] mess we were poor but we were happy i remember every sunday morning you could hear my dad banging away trying to get some life out the old boiler then he'd give up go upstairs and [ __ ] my mum i simply adored our pet dog patch but one day my parents called me in and told me that patchy being called away to the giant potato sack with bricks in it in the sky for weeks i wasn't changed i wasn't given proper food someone stuck the tv on in the corner and i just lay there in my own filth god i loved university the other thing i've noticed with books is like anything with a spiritual element always does brilliantly look at the bible that's still a bestseller even though they give it away in hotels i guess you could say i haven't found jesus but then i think jesus should try and find me he's omnipotent i'm on telly how tough is that make a [ __ ] effort christ or christ make a [ __ ] effort that works either way i'm cynical about religion but i'm not a cynic i do believe in other things i'm willing to believe in aliens for example i mean if aliens don't exist then who was it that abducted me at the age of 13 and transported me to a room full of weird flashing lights and subjected me to a terrifying rectal probing well that's right was the guy that ran the youth center disco yeah the thing that put me off religion was i was raised catholic any other catholics in have you it's a weird thing isn't like catholic school if you go to catholic school sex education is very odd sex education they don't want kids to be told about sex they want to show them the catholic church are weird the only kind of contraception they seem to approve of is [ __ ] young boys granted you're not going to get them pregnant one of my teachers was very sexually repressed they used to take it out on the kids one thing stuck in my head he was responsible for the worst phrase in my childhood you know sometimes something bad happens and then someone says something and it just makes it ten times worse right it was already bad about 60 of us my whole year went swimming big swimming regatta thing and my friend anthony got an erection that's embarrassing that's a bad situation the teacher didn't make it any better by pointing out said erection in case anyone had missed it and then describing it as wait for it nature's thumbs up it is weird the stuff you remember when you look back like i've sort of made some notes about my childhood i thought i'd be able to remember the stuff they taught me how an oxbow lake is formed how world war one started you know the stuff they teach you at school i can't remember any of that i don't know what this says about me as a person but i remember with total clarity the day matt came into school and told us all he could suck his own [ __ ] i remember clearly because he told us how he did it he said he did it by falling backwards into the bath i remember at the time thinking there's an accident that's gone terrifically well most people laughing at that just one man down the front give me a look as if to say i might have a bath later on mom dad i'm just having a bath why isn't the water running no reason [Music] it's an interesting area i think sexual awakening isn't it for a biography that's always a good chapter my uncle actually taught me the facts of life but i can't tell you what they are because there's a special secret between me and him seriously i can't say if i tell you my mom and dad will both die when i was about six i was given a doll i don't remember the doll's name i just remember the game was you had to point to different places and see how many times it happened did you not have that game i'm jealous much one of the things that's holding me back from writing an autobiography is the fact that if you write one you've got to talk about your private life in a very public way and it changes the nature of celebrity it makes you into more of a sort of tabloid celebrity so i'll just dip my toe in the water i'll talk about it a little bit try and get used to it my girlfriend is without a doubt the most beautiful girl i could get i'll cut to the chase on this people always ask have you ever cheated on your partner well yes it's it's happened it's nothing that i'm proud of but well it was last christmas and i read all the trivial pursuit questions before we played and then i [ __ ] her sister which if anything made it worse she's forgiven me now though she told me recently she said i'm fine nothing's wrong good i thought it was weird because she was crying so i said what's the problem and she said if you don't know i'm not gonna tell you so i guess she's organizing some sort of surprise party i thought it'd be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met but she said don't make me go badly mr jimmy cook i clean i'd be better i worry about that joke is that just raisy lacism oh you're razor laziest it's not as an accent it's fine don't cry i get asked what's the secret of comedy graham norton's got a wife and two kids doesn't leave this room people ask me what i'll do if i ever run out of jokes well i could always write an episode of two pints of lager people seem mildly sort of upset i always ask what did you do before comedy well i used to work on the oil rigs off the coast of aberdeen i i did i was a male prostitute i knew i knew you from somewhere never forget a face all the back of someone's head um i often get asked what's your pet hate well he doesn't like it if you put things in his bum but who can resist a cat's bummer it's like a towel holder from the 70s they're strangely alluring right i'll tell you what i was going to i was going to talk to you about this this is the question on this tour that's come up more than any other from audience members yeah what order would you do girls allowed him most men in this room have given that concerted thought even though we know it's never going to happen we want to be ready just in case in case we ever get a knock on the door from the five girls saying i want you now we want to be able to say come in ladies the rotors on the fridge i can explain myself cheryl first i tell you why cheryl first i find her the most attractive so i definitely want to get that one done and let's face facts i might only have one in me five is not gonna happen be honest guys five is never gonna happen like every man in this room the only time i've ever wanted to have sex twice is before i've had sex once the ladies know what i'm talking about you've all been over promised to i'm gonna make love to you all night long or until i get sleepy [Music] let's see which comes first came first none i i would have the ginger one in the room at all times stop me going off early oh cheryl i'm just about to oh oh we're back in the game now i should warn you there will be some audience participation this evening apologies and the only reason i mention it explicitly is because sometimes when i ask someone a direct question they get a bit flustered i think it's because they're used to seeing me on tv so then when i ask them a direct question they gave it the [ __ ] is going on i didn't press the red button it's gone all [ __ ] interactive i got a guy wonderfully flustered the other day front and center where you're sitting there and out of nowhere i went are you married or single you went single on the girl next year when he isn't how could you [ __ ] that up there was a lovely little pause he went i think i might be single now i wonder who's seen me live before give us a shout thank you well you'll know every year my friend chris does illustrations for me for jokes that i write that i think are a bit esoteric that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed would you like to see them well good otherwise he'd be [ __ ] gutted and we'd be having some quiet time which would be [ __ ] right well i'll show you some obviously we'll kick off with some thoughts and ideas that i've had recently right so if you like looking at flowers but you can't be asked with gardening simply run down a kid outside your house can't believe you didn't think of it on bonfire night i hope our neighbors keep their pets locked up because there's something about fireworks that makes me really horny you don't get many homeless gay men which is a shame because they'd be [ __ ] bums i was outside a nightclub recently and i discovered that women can be bouncers if you're traveling fast enough when you mount the pavement the thing i worry about when i hear kids in the third world are working 18 hours a day to make my trainers is when are they going to get a chance to finish my [ __ ] laptop i was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me he said you want white or brown toast i said all toast is brown you're thinking of bread [Applause] at any one time a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 different types of urine on them and that's why they're called peanuts wayne rooney wears the number 10 shirt or as he calls it the stick and the circle all the celebrities get plastic surgery these days colleen rooney's just had some work done on her [ __ ] he's had air transplant my friend reckons football violence and aggressive behavior are triggered by primitive tribal rivalries which are projected onto opposing teams and then expressed through exaggerated displays of loyalty but he's a lying gooner [ __ ] so he can suck my [ __ ] [ __ ] all that groaning and grunting in women's tennis it reminds me of sex in that i'm watching happen on screen whilst masturbating to explain spot fixing in cricket it's what happens when something i don't understand is done by someone i've never heard of in the middle of something i couldn't give a [ __ ] about [Music] [Applause] spiders used to give me nightmares anyone else yeah so what i've done is i've stopped eating them just before bedtime of course the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is that you're probably australian are there any australians in welcome back i don't like zoos i prefer to see lions tigers elephants and bears in their natural environment the circus is anyone here afraid of clowns you're a freddie clown sir there's actually a special name for people that are afraid of clowns mommy's little benders this may interest you though clowns have to register their facial design to make sure that other sex offenders don't use it dwarves often get overlooked i can say that they look up to me entry ourselves to another dwarf joke tell you what i know about dwarves very little come on here's a random fact it's random but it's true one in ten british kids is now conceived in an ikea bed true how it works is their parents insert flat pain into sloppy and then screw until the nuts tighten [Music] in 2009 nadia suleiman of california gave birth to octuplets two daughters and six sons owning her the nickname octo mum although she's also known as giganto snatch those babies were walking before she was we'll kick off with some thoughts that's me thinking or [ __ ] it's unclear from that not that i don't really like the term shooting i find it's a bit aggressive i prefer to say growing a tail it's nice to be nice isn't it right some thoughts for glasgow white van drivers i don't know they think they own the road with their flashing lights and their sirens oh there's been an accident their [ __ ] will be of course the thing they never do on soaps is watch tv and that's because they'd see all their dead friends on the bill have you just bought the aids hold on whenever i see a sticker on the back of a car saying princess on board it always makes me think of diana i always think don't upset prince philip you'd be fine what i didn't [ __ ] kill her don't give me hard time [Applause] what super power would i most like to have i've given that quite a lot of thought i think that's the sort of thing men think about quite a lot what superpower would be best i think invisibility would be the coolest superpower to have and really the question is if i was invisible what would i do second i think we all know what i would do first let's face it if i was invisible they think the ladies changing rooms were haunted where's all this ectoplasm coming from something just tapped me on the head manners cost nothing i have a lot of ideas and i'd like to share some of my ideas with glasgow this evening yes i'd like to share some ideas with all of you good people i'm working on a book at the moment i'm working on a book it's about a zombie that comes back from the dead but the twist is the zombie is the good guy but apparently it's already been done it's called the bible it's annoying isn't it i've had an idea for a tv show it's called jim will fix it it's just me spaying cats the first guy that persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses he must have been a hell of a salesman there's a lot of problems in the world so i like to do a little bit of problem solving every day try and make the world a slightly better place british women that's you ladies british women last year spent 280 million pounds removing unwanted body hair surely it would be cheaper and easier just to move to germany if you're worried about putting on a few extra pounds and you want to be ready for next summer with your beach body why don't you visit somalia and get some [ __ ] perspective there's people with real problems your fat cow i've solved another problem it's only a little thing but little and often with problem solving is probably the best way to do it i've invented a bird table for my back garden it's three foot tall and it saves a fortune on cat food i tell you who i think should team up neighborhood watch and peeping toms it's a good idea isn't it a marriage made in heaven and it would add a whole new dimension to the term curtain twitching because curtin twitching could mean checking up on the neighbors seeing everything's okay or curtain twitching female masturbation i feel we've crossed a line haven't we glasgow we've we've definitely crossed the line facts we've all got loads of facts inside our heads it's something to do with living in this internet age british people are at least one inch taller than we were 20 years ago and that's because 20 years ago we were all children 40 of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partner i use mr tinkle mr tinkle is just a silly name i've got for my tummy banana most bingo winners don't tell their other halves about their windfall and that's because their husbands are dead there are 427 licensed professional jockeys currently working in the uk if you laid them all from end to end they would stretch from here to here an iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes or longer if you don't mind it dying interesting little fact for you obsessive star trek fans are known as virgins sorry are you a big star trek fan but how old are you do you mind me asking you seem like what sorry 20 right so definitely not a virgin in glasgow what do you do for a living you're a secretary nice is it 1950 already what 2010 all right you seem a bit chippy oh it is glasgow sorry i'd love to chat more but i'm at work [Applause] hey this'll cheer you up god you've gone for that nice what a lady let's talk about language i'm slightly obsessed by language i spend my life touring with it and messing around with it and trying to you know write jokes for you good people to laugh at a lot of people don't like it when language changes a lot of people don't like it don't like starbucks for example because what was small medium and large is now tall grande and venti but i like the fact i've now got a tall [ __ ] that's taken away a lot of the stigma a lot of people change the language that they use so as not to offend certain interest groups or individuals which is fair enough you know how touchy queers are pc has ruined some things you can't say fruit salad anymore it's now homosexual salad which is mental because all salad is gay you've got to be very careful in how you express yourself because you could be saying the same thing but if you pick the wrong words you could cause offense quite inadvertently i'll give you an example i'll read you two sentences the first one is entirely inoffensive the second one well it could be misconstrued i know heaven for fend but they both say the same thing interesting i fell into a hedge cut my face and i can only partially remember the evening it's fine isn't it much better than saying i fell into a bush got gash on my face and can only remember snatches [Applause] doesn't maternity maternity makes it sound like you're going to be fat forever and some of you will be doesn't nazi goals are like the greatest hits let's talk about fears our subconscious mind that's quite an interesting area isn't it yeah the best way to conquer a fear of spiders is next time you see a spider imagine it naked has anyone got like a morbid fear of spiders like uh someone's got one over there your brother has but so that's kind of oh well he's here it wasn't just a random i've got phobia but my brother has maybe you could help with that what's your name sir kyle and you speak for him when you when you say your brother you're not from paisley you're not going out or anything are you i know i'm just asking because what do you do kyle what sorry nothing the now it's a new kyle and i just work shopping we're coming up with a new children's character for scotland he's called nothing to know of the unemployed donkey nothing the now what the [ __ ] is that kyle what'd you do for a living you unemployed aye all right well good was lovely having you here especially in view of the fact a lot of the taxpayers paid for you to [ __ ] beer well yeah let's face it we're in glasgow there's a lot of people applauded that they've never paid any tax in their [ __ ] lives yeah there's tax on spirits isn't there what i'd like to do carl my gift to you give something back to the community not just put care in it i'd like to cure you of your fear of spiders you up for this like darren brown style with sort of hypnosis cure your fear of spiders you offer this fabulous all right because it's happening okay imagine carl you're at home in bed under the duvet a snug as a bug in a rug and you're dreaming of whatever unemployed people in glasgow dream of don't know being on the social for another few years i don't [ __ ] you know oh and then i signed my name and the check keep coming oh okay so you're at home in bed but then what i'm saying is you're in the most safe and secure environment you could possibly be in you're under the duvet so you can secure them all dreaming away a spider kyle size of my hand big hairy [ __ ] crawls on your face as you lie sleeping doesn't wake you carl you're still dreaming of nice things buck fast and the like just sits there for a while on your face cars you sleep lazy tags in your tear ducts and scampers away to its enormous giant spider nest under your bed where it lives you can check later if you like okay you wake up in the morning freshers are daisy lovely ready for a busy day well you're awake anyway okay so you're absolutely fine the next morning that's my point about a week later you're sitting reading the paper you know that's a weird itch a thousand spiders had you have your eyes has that helped at all that needs work doesn't it sorry if it's any consolation it's only kyle doesn't matter franklin d roosevelt famously said there is nothing to fear but fear itself of course he's dead now killed by a spider i'll tell you what i worry about and i'm sure many of you share my concerns i worry about climate change climate change to give it its official scientific name autumn do you know we produce 48 more carbon emissions than we used to in the 1970s but that figure could be halved if you just divided it by two tell you what i do really worry about and i'm i'm sure kyle will be thinking this is entirely justified i worry about going mad i've got a friend that went mad last year and he ended up killing himself he took everything in the medicine cabinet choked on a surgical bandage that's not how i would do if i was going to kill myself i know what i would do i don't agree morbid glasgow but i know how i do it i would dress up a superman and jump off the top of a building how [ __ ] awesome would that be and i would do it at four o'clock in the afternoon during term time because you'd want a couple of hundred kids going wow superman and then whoa fathers for justice [Applause] rape such a harsh worse i prefer to say when kiss chase goes too far and what exactly is aggravated rape not only did he rape me no i miss my bus on the positive side at least with rohypnol there are no bad memories let's talk about childhood glasgow yeah childhood memories childhood thoughts yeah one in ten british kids has never been to a beach in this country imagine that growing up without ever having seen a dead cormorant with a tampon on its head when i was a kid i wanted to get a tattoo but my parents said i had to get it somewhere that didn't matter so i had it done in hull does anyone hear from hull doesn't matter here's an interesting thing this is weird you can have sex in this country when you're 16 but you can't buy pornography until you're 18. that's an odd law isn't it so you can have sex when you're 16 but you're not allowed to watch other people have sex for another two years so if you're 16 you can have sex just don't look down let's talk about faith and spirituality an important part of our psyches i'm sure you will agree christians saying there may be christians in this evening christians say jesus died for your sins be good i say he's already dead [ __ ] it what's he gonna do get deader fill your [ __ ] boots mate also if he died for your sins and you don't do any sins you've made him look a right cun i don't believe in the paranormal per se but i do have a spirit guide well i say spirit guide you might call it a sat nav paranormal is actually derived from the greek para meaning you're not a normal let's talk about travel yeah the main reason americans are there any americans in for the best the main reason americans don't have passports as they have trouble fitting in the photo booth luckily they've developed google earth more than 2.3 million households have no one in full-time work which is a convoluted way of saying there is a place called scotland really good luck of course not all scottish people are alcoholics a lot of you are recovering alcoholics with drug problems let's face facts glasgow if you scottish ever find a way to deep fry whiskey you are [ __ ] interesting little fact for you hopscotch was originally invented in glasgow by children trying to step over their alcoholic parents true story let's talk about some dumb things i see a lot of dumb things around i see a lot of dumb signs i was in a supermarket i saw a sign that said buy two get one free i only wanted one so i took the free one i don't want to show off about my showbiz lifestyle but i was in a yates's wine lodge yeah i was in a yates's wine lodge and i got talking to the barmaid and i asked her how many types of wine they did in yates's wine lodge and she said both let's talk about some important social issues there's a guy i work with and every day he has what looks like fish fingers i think he was in a fire don't tell me that's too brutal for glasgow most domestic fires need just four things to start a source of oxygen a source of heat gambling debts and an up-to-date insurance certificate i hate people that make loud noise on public transport particularly explosions annoying i got into an argument i said women have a lower pain threshold than men she said try childbirth i said i have how do you think i got here do you know the nhs is currently so underfunded that couples wanting ivf treatment to help them conceive are being told to go and [ __ ] themselves remember dogs die in hot cars or a heavy blow to the back of the head will work just as well really that's the one that got you okay i came home the other night my girlfriend was dressed up as a french maid very disappointed the house was a [ __ ] state filthy [ __ ] well let's talk about love and bromance and sex let's talk about sex glasgow there's a very commonly held belief that men think about sex every seven seconds which i think makes talking to your dad creepy british men spend on average 22 minutes on foreplay of course that is spread out between all of us over the course of a year women who read romance novels have twice as much sex as the national average while i say sex what i mean is they yield the pressure softness of their silk and female innocence to the crushing firmness of his intent sorry i came overall catherine cooks in there it's not a great phrase to use i'd be like painting the fourth bridge the average person has two pounds of meat lodged in their colon so come on love of course most people don't know this but confetti you know confetti that you get at a wedding confetti represents fertility in the seed of man which is quite accurate because a lot of it does end up in the bride's hair women have a go at men because we're no good at multi-tasking but then you have a go at us when we piss in the shower it's like we can't win speaking of multitasking i had a threesome last week my girlfriend is pretty cool but if she finds out about this i'm in trouble i did have a three someone know you're probably thinking yeah probably you a girl and another bloke no it's actually me and two blokes well that feels like it's quite enough from inside my head should we leave it there for now let's leave it there for now marvel's right [Applause] cheers girlfriend said you wanted me to tease her i said all right fatty you