Star Test Stephen Fry 1990

wait [Music] Oh before we came a this weekend the Happy Mondays ed gmx Tuesday at 10:50 on channel 4 [Music] no another chance to see this evenings star test [Music] [Music] [Music] hello Steven welcome to star test the computer interview it's just the two of us here but viewers will be phoning in during the show to vote on whether or not you are telling the truth if they believe you it will be the chance to play your chosen clip if not a mystery forfeit will appear in its place so please try to answer my questions honestly here are nine categories of questions please select a cap abide by simply touching the screen right on their injustice I think some of that please choose any number seven how good a liar are you I think I'm pretty good lying thing is you see I didn't understand hopelessly moralistic here but I think things a good liar those are bad people lie should be spanked dying is wrong lying's wicked buying these doing justice numb prisoners so on the whole I'm inclined to think that a good liar is by definition of bad lies the perhaps I should say I'm a bad liar is that too complicated well you'd understand it before to what extent do you judge people on first meeting well I try so hard not to I firmly believe that most people are decent I don't you know sometimes you meet someone you think that man is a howling drew you're convinced he's the most unpleasant you've met you know recently I was at a party where that somebody was present who everybody absolutely those and thought was a complete and because he seemed loudmouth and arrogant and so on and I was sort of chatting to him and thinking you know there do seem to be right they really do and then he's suddenly kind of blurted out because my problem is everybody absolutely hates me and and you could see how miserable it was so I I'm yeah I don't believe in first impressions at all I think than anything was wrong anybody says than it was right alaya how far did he deserve to lose your driving license I'm afraid I deserved I deserved it thoroughly there's those no excuse for driving while under the influence of alcohol in mitigation Your Honor I would say that I was on a motorbike and I'd had this vague idea come from ignorance and and massive stupidity that somehow on a 1 to 5 motorbike bumbling along a little bit tipsy you're not gonna do anybody else the kind of damage you can do in a car I think I can fairly honestly put my hand on my heart and say that I don't I would never I certainly would have got into a car and driven over the limit because of you know what it feels cars you can really do so much with the weather with a motorbike it's yourself I had a cousin who used to be a doctor in the Roosevelt Hospital in New York and he came to see me once in a play and I met him in a restaurant afterwards and he saw me checking in my skid lid as we the leather boy bikers used to call them and he said I didn't know you had a motorbike Steve and I said yes he said do you know what we call motorbike riders in the in the casualty department or trauma department as they go on in America of the Roosevelt Hospital I said no what do you call MIT by drivers who said donors your spare parts kid and I suddenly thought I'm Christ right isn't it you know all that young healthy tissue that gets down the drain because people drive med bikes badly it's just awful but I love doing it didn't under me basically got it but I was an ass I was an ass and I deserved to lose my license and I did and and I certainly am I don't think there's anything satisfactory the people being smuggled proud about driving whenever limited I'm terribly sorry 13 what have you ever stolen you haven't got time to hear that I mean I I was kleptomania call I think one might say if I wanted to give it a decent Greek word but one could say otherwise it thieving sod when I was young I stole from shops pointless things all the time you know pneumatic drills one huge road drill but you know braces and screwdrivers and I just sort of pile them up some I knew use for them I still Oh far to maturity and of course most disastrously I still some credit cards when I was a seventeen-year-old and enjoyed a little time to meditate pleasure in a prison called buckle Church on the strength of it if there's anybody on Association pakil Church at the moment watching television apparel well sorry about the riot you had recently I shan't come to Mexico Boys reunion until everything's sorted out you're all happy and cozy tucked up and give my regards to be wing by the way fatal attraction I was sued where that came out I mean that could have be made about me persecuted by one-night stand we went to bed with Glenn Close there but with Michael Douglas in a sense wasn't completely made up untrue since Michael Douglas in that sense really well nibbled his toes now please select a new category we got here please choose any number that went wrong with your last project look look if I may say so that's a bug of a question um it was a play it's a play a plays plays do go wrong plays a plays it difficult it was about an audience looking at an audience who were looking at an audience looking at an audience that's literally what the first half is about um and it was very complicated and people were confused by it people were people were worried I think they felt got at and it just I don't know it didn't take I don't know how you can answer Krishna that it was it was a good play I mean by a good writer and well-written and was a good cast and it was I think we may well darling just didn't capture the public imagination number two how successful are you in the eyes of your parents I think they'd all like me to do more and better things but I think they're proud of the things I do well I think my father would like me to do something more serious by which doesn't necessarily mean not funny but something that addresses real intellectual issues but something that grapples with real thought and and so on more than you know liking about ting word bottom rather a lot which you know in the end when you've got parents parents didn't want to hear you just saying bottom and knob all the time now personally I can't hear enough of the word bottom of the word knob I think you know it's just fantastic words and very very actually very funny but there comes a time I suppose nobody's life where the word bottom is not enough and I have to start thinking about some real things and I think they'd like me to reach that stage sooner rather than later number one how patriotic are you immensely patriotic but let's not run away with the idea that patriotic is the same as jingoistic in fact let's not run away at all that stay precisely where we are but patriotic does not mean love that is blind no apparent loves a son and partner loves their lover but they're not blind to the faults they want him to be better a mother can have a child life my mother had me who was who was feckless flamboyant bassist childish selfish arrogant all kinds of awful things when I was young and stopped but loving me but she was also completely aware of those faults and would want me to correct them and people who loved me would say you know you just sort your bloody ideas out and that's how I feel about England you are a donek who do you exterminate no please select a new category and it said look come on we got their faith and fortune that's good exciting please choose any number three for the Trinity as we're talking about faith do you believe in ghosts no absolutely not they don't exist it's an absolute lie superstitious drivel it's bollocks they don't exist no very firmly and before to what extent do you follow your stars absolutely no extent at all you've got me on my pet subject here her Oscar Pete is a load of bollocks ladies and gentlemen there is absolutely no truth in it for a start I mean I could go on forever for a start they get it wrong you know I mean literally wrong they're there weeks out when you say you're born on the liebherr liebherr is actually over there somewhere not under it a constellation is is according to parallax and if you're familiar with the concept but you know if you look at this here these two fingers right you can say well if it's two it's been difficult these four here imagine each one of them as a dot you could say I'm making a box shape but if I move exactly the same fingers like that they become another shape like so now we've given names to the ones to the shapes we discern in the sky according to our position relative to the heavens obviously and somebody one day said that the particular thing looks a bit like a lion though I'm speckled I'm buggered if I can see why Leo looks like a lion it's like a lion if it trying to fit anyway when you look at the constellation and so they say a little bit like a lion so we'll call that Leo a lion okay that's fair enough you're allowed to do that and you can call these the Pleiades and we can call this Cygnus the Swan but twelve of these constellations of which there are innumerable billions out in the universe twelve of these happen to be taken because there are twelve months and it just rather fits neatly into a year and it's cycles of you know the way we can round the Sun so I'm not they knew that when they made it up so I've had professional horoscopes done on me by professional horoscope as you know great expense in order to demonstrate what drivel it is all the things they say are true because they're true of anybody they say things like you know your creativity and intelligence is not fully appreciated by people around you well who's gonna say no that's not true actually people completely appreciate her creative I am and I'm completely perfectly understood by everybody everything they say is is aimed to solace the fearful the superstitious the unhappy with themselves and their give them this bogus science which is a lie ladies and gentlemen I'm here to tell you a lie it's not a science they could number 12 what are your views on the acceptance of homosexuality in the church I just didn't think when we go on holiday you could end up in jail I feel terrible about Steve he's my dad come afford the bail so he's stuck in the prison he'll be out there for ages now I don't remember smashing the place up at all oh she's having a few drinks and all next thing I know I'm waking up in jail like smiling it's guy from the console turns up and we thought great he's gonna get us out now he said no he couldn't he was really helpful as far as he could go he gave us light advice and told us about the lawyers but he said he couldn't give us any money for the bail so you can't touch me Maryland dad that's raised fourteen thousand quid when I got only mom told me that dr. E more details we shouldn't on there remember something to start work again and I can't help I got Nunnally I can't carry on my face I haven't even gone I'll be nice mate if you get in trouble with the law abroad you'll pay the price what are your views on the acceptance of homosexuality in the church all the community has been accepted resin we accepted enough I think nowadays it's generally considered I think the phrase are other interesting phrases it's considered morally neutral though there are some who believe that their actual practice of homosexual acts is I'm present I think it should be accepted because I think the church should be seen to be a body of people who love their fellow man which I mean that Shawn is not too sweeping or extraordinary statement to expect the church to be no I there are still some unbelievably in America particularly but also in this country believe that aids is AIDS you know it is God's punishment for you know acts of from sexual license or drug abuse and so I just want you to ponder for a second the idea of a God who can look down from heaven daily and see innumerable acts of cruelty torture theft rape barbarism viciousness being enacted around the globe droughts starvation genocide slaughter tyranny despotism you can see those and do nothing about them at all but he sees two and liking each other wanting a bit of a tumble and a lick and a prod and a push in a minute and on a bed somewhere and what does he do he visits upon the most vicious plague ever seen really you know hundred percent deaths rate on this ghastly ghastly disease do you think any kind of God that you could respect would do that I might not like strawberries I might be allergic to them you can't tell me that you know because God made the strawberry and it's a nice nice thing to eat that you're somehow morally reprehensible for not liking a strawberry nor can you tell me I personally don't do sex at all I think particularly unpleasant business but I reserve the right to choose the sex of the people I don't go to bed with and have had a homosexual history as it were if there is such a thing you know and the heavy section one too but you know to be told that I'm wicked simply because that's the way my loins twitches it's an obscenity and I'm showing them out there because who's gay or straight listening would agree you can't you can't legislate for the loins and they they know their own will and to try and do so it's barbaric beyond words number nine what is your vision of Hell a family themed amusement Fun Center family amusement themed fun sort of place with lavatories thinking of overflowing urine and people and sound of people having fun and leisure and amenity and just some helter-skelter rides and rolling about and work I suppose on all a silvery sneak of traffic off junctions something of the M something queuing for some family themed amusement fun park that's to me is hell would you rather play a game of football it's an awful thing to say I think it is I'm terribly sorry to say I would absolutely hate to put a little cricket is the anyone underneath about to play of those sort of fuel games what is your favorite ice cream flavor oh dear fried bread and ginger something terrible if they know I probably raspberry no raspberry how many pairs of socks do you have and him anybody who knows me I wouldn't know that it is impossible to answer that I do by a hell of a lot of socks I would say probably closer to 300 than anything anything else that's set against 300 let's say so it's let's face it 600 socks all told do you prefer chocolates with hard or soft centers and you asked me that a few years ago I would have said soft but now you know since the Yorkie revolution on the crunchy top I mean you're a chunky chocolate I didn't mind it hon so much but still soft as you know to be honest soft soft and I could have milk to play in a moment unsophisticated sort of person who is your favorite poet well you know William Shakespeare because was opposed as well as the dramatist and he would be hard but otherwise I would say WH warden what do you wear in bed nothing unless I stumble into bed so kiss that I forget to take off my underwear Oh usually nothing I didn't wear pajamas what is your home phone number no indeed I didn't have one praise be Jeeves indeed although if you'll forgive me for saying so your methods are I don't want the rough side feels well cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs say an omelet um do you think you could get me one sir perhaps with a little laughs boss of something under right ho Jeeves now please select a new category love and passion will be phased in it please choose any number 15 when did he last fall in love come right out and say it didn't wonders about to indicate the depths of his embarrassment and Englishness at this point when did I last fall in love why do I family self walking towards this strangely phallic object if it can't be connected I last fell in love when I was 14 years old and I don't think I've fallen in love since isn't that sad isn't that tragic it isn't really if I'd fallen in God I'd find it very tragic but no I haven't been in love since I was 14 years old in fact I'm still in love number 8 how do you plan to have children if you find sex so distasteful well do you know they're all kinds of methods oozes on that AI I believe is one it's not there's not an insemination is a problem I see stuttering he's quite clean he's on the ropes there he's embarrassed he thinks he thinks he's sorted it all out and he's clever and dispassionate about sex but actually listen listen listen listen some spatter he's mad he's no sorry I'm just pretending to be someone who doesn't like me which I haven't well it would be nice to have children and I'm prepared to do that gusted deed in order to have it I just wouldn't wish it on anybody else I mean can you imagine my grunting sweating frame on some poor girl you know if you must have better things to want to do number 10 how many times a day do you think about sex that's what you're gonna say do you masturbate do I think about sex well I'd read somewhere that the average man thinks about sex once every 15 seconds is that correct I think I'm probably pretty near that market in the way that it flickers across the mind but I think about food probably much the same amount of times of drink or having a cigarette or whatever it is or getting my next fix of heroin you know do you think then of course yeah good great because I'm not oh you know by saying and celibate I'm not saying some kind of them I'm not saying I'm some kind of what what aren't I say I'm with some kind of I'm not saying I'm inhuman I'm you know I don't saying I didn't think about it because I did who was the last man you fantasized about [Laughter] [Music] cheeky son son of a bitch I'm the daughter of a bitch whatever gender you are no I didn't really fantasize about particular people to my knowledge I could just give a comic answer and say Bob Holness because let's face it that's the sexiest man you never going to come across in the SS so it's a very base if and I'm sorry but I'm gonna say Bob Holness and finally we have health pleased to lose any number how good a dancer are you you see the thing is you'll see I mean it's a this is not a body that's made the dancing make a lot of noise because keys and things in my pocket so if it's my taking this off for a second I went off have any music you see but I've never known how you're supposed to dance what you're supposed to do when you dance I'm gonna dance with you that's to say I'm not talking about ballroom dancing I'm talking about you know disco dancing whatever you know when you're young were girls were like thing put the handbag down and sort of do that thing right but I'm always looking at the other person and trying to copy them so the rhythm goes out of the thing so you stand there kind of sort of you know not sure is this right and then you think oh well sure I'm not moving my feet very much I'm just I'm doing that and the other people are kind of going you know real coming but as you can see this body is just not made for dancing so I tend to sort of do stupid things like that and kind of you know sort of stuff to try and be vaguely comic about it but it's just a bad body for dancing it's a tragedy but there you go have you noticed any improvement in your health since he was struck down by you've obviously got an axe to grind on this my dear sure improvement to my health no no not at all in fact if anything in Reverse because I'm instead of about eight years and in that time I've I used be quite skinny anything that time I've sterner get a bit more of a gut I'm losing that now I mean you know me love handles quite pronounced down here and when my pecs aren't as firm as they are my nipples although as I've said they're lovely they'd they're little bit pointing downwards when I want them to be per tonne twinkly and sort of up here and looking exciting so since I was celibate I started to put on weight my metabolism changed this could be it when were you last hangover I wish you hadn't asked me that because in fact it was this morning they odd thing I went dinner with an old chum and bottles were consumed woke up in the morning with a bit of a head gotta be said and worst thing of all it was my one of my exercise days I have to confess to having a man who comes round and does me he's a personal fitness coach called Josh and he's a spending fair anyway he came around and I said there's no sort of hangover he said okay and we'll see how it goes we'll take a bit you know call me we got a headache and so on so then I was feeling fine then I went through and I was doing good ice as many press ups as I used to do and then if the first time ever after exercise I didn't feel as good as I usually do I feel great after very energized night she felt terrible and a bit trembling and then I went upstairs and I heaved my guts up I I'm sorry but breakfast suddenly was in the sink you are now invited to select five characteristics from the on-screen menu which you feel best illustrate your personality here we go persuasive centra t'v gregarious tolerant and skeptical the phone poll results show that most viewers are happy you have been telling the truth well thank you you know you have to be commended on your perspicacity and your acuity and your insightfulness I haven't been telling the truth insofar as I've not been telling nice I've been telling the whole truth but then he wouldn't want me to tell the whole truth this one's gonna have an air of mystery but no thank you thank you for trusting me [Music] [Music] goodbye