Staying Alive The Cinema Snob

so it's September again and I guess that means I got to do another month of musicals cuz its musical March in September what oh oh I get it musical and March can kind of go together but a March it's September that must be the joke in the hit sequel to Saturday Night Fever John Travolta dances his way to the New York stage guess what I got a job in Broadway government now but a sizzling affair with a beautiful dancer sparks a bitter romantic triangle I can always be second choice you not you know how we did it don't know how to you we met I liked you we made it what do you think it was true love everybody you did everybody what you have is anger and a certain intensity and that's what I need to make this show work but he uses everybody not cynthia roads and finola hughes co-star in this electrifying dance spectacle directed by Sylvester Stallone stayin alive Saturday Night Fever was not only a cultural phenomenon but is often regarded as one of the best films of the 1970s Gene Siskel would later call it his favorite movie and it's also one of the favorite movies of this guy who likes to talk in cars the film a John Travolta movie star gaining him an Oscar nomination for Best Actor it was the story of Tony Manero a 19-year old working a dead-end job whose problems involving unsupportive parents and gang violence are forgotten when he spends his nights as the king of the dance floor six years later a sequel was then made by writer director Sylvester Stallone and it was nominated for some awards I won't say which was yet a sequel The Saturday Night Fever doesn't seem like it would be too bad of an idea when the ending of the first film not only shows Tony's reality come crashing down on him and other people's idolizing perception of an asshole like Tony smashing them in the face it is worth wondering what ever became of this guy even the poster says Tony Manero knows the old days are over but nobody's gonna tell him he can't feel good again shown with a picture that makes it look like he's about to receive a handjob by someone wearing spiked gloves here's how you know the movies in trouble the title comes from the hit Bee Gees song stayin alive here that stayin alive not stayin alive stayin alive there's no G in this disco dojo once again produced by Robert sting would the logos here are indignant of his producing career the lights look like they're starting to go out Saturday Night Fever is not just a great film but a time capsule of the disco days of 1977 what's staying alive a time capsule of movies they just sort of made you want to watch Fame instead it's six years later and Tony is still swatting flies out of his hair the movie's title just jumps at the screen like it should be on the back of a rhinestone jacket which reminds me fuck you rhinestone look folks if you're not gonna look at these freeze frames of tits and ass then Travolta is gonna do it for you we get it Tony you're straight somehow I thought Clarence Boddicker auditioning members of his heist team would be a lot more paul verhoeven and less Bob Fosse at least they're taking their dancing medication you know nicotine some of these freeze frames are just awkward oh no he's been shot oof what do I do about this rash ha ha a mouse either he's been shot again or he's the poster for platoon staying alive also features more songs by the Bee Gees they're the ones you don't own on 8-track that's right on the Saturday Night Fever such back on a track did you have my permission to think I'm cool now well Sylvester Stallone Handel's directing duties this time around he does co-write the script with the original film's writer Norman Wexler and we know Stallone has never been the type to change a script too bad Wexler never gave us a sequel to one of his other movies you know mandingo oh there is a sequel to mandingo why the hell is there a sequel to mandingo whatever drum probably doesn't have any Frank Stallone music so not interested you can tell by the way he uses his walk he failed the audition so now Tony moves on to his next audition starring and perfect alongside Jamie Lee Curtis this is Tony's main squeeze Jaggi another struggling dancer slash actress typical putting me turn them down yeah once again the role went to Richard Gere Tony spent some of his time teaching dancing no no no you're doing it all wrong you got to get in a fight with the Barracudas and then you enter the dance competition Tony goes back to his apartment located at 210 fan service Lane the hell did David DeCoteau temporarily take over first alone am i watching 13 13 staying alive my feeling is that Tony definitely needs an agent and the messages except for this one from Robert Stigwood but don't take it Tony's night job is as a club waiter where I'm guessing he serves drinks with his dick holy fuck Magic Mike doesn't carry that much sausage while he may not be dancing he still got away with the ladies you know I order so many drinks cuz you're now coholic know cuz I love to watch seriously she's a hardcore alcoholic she's gonna fall asleep later that night in a dumpster making love to a bag of used diapers this isn't the Tony I'm used to why isn't he being as good in bed as he is on the dance floor want to come over last time I come over I almost got brain damage she guys party too hard it'll be a tag team man once you've had sex and moment by moment you kind of lose your taste for it but walking down the street that he can still do oh my god he just met Alfred Hitchcock I kind of get the feeling about what this movie is it's less a continuing adventure of Tony Manero and more Sylvester Stallone using Tony Manero as a means to tell his own life stories on screen hence young Tony slash sly bumping into famous Tony slash sly while the song breakout plays and Tony goes on a bunch of dead end acting auditions handing out head shots even Stallone himself said that his reason for not taking a major role in the film is because Tony already is him on screen except for nudity man I promised my mother I'd never do any nudity I guess she's afraid that I might get a call to sum and thus Tony Manero 'he's mom sobbed repeatedly when he was then cast in a party a kitty and studs that night he goes to see Jackie's show which is that cross between Xanadu and Nell that Tony has apparently always dreamed of ooh even though that lasted for four hours the Danny and army musical review is a huge success Tony then does what any Tony Manero would do he congratulate his girlfriend and then tries banging someone else hi yes will you enter a dance competition with me I may try to rape you in a car afterwards no I'm saying I thought maybe that line won't work I'd like to get together with you maybe talk sometime might be possible about what but I'm incredible you are thank you but I do already know that say what you've never used the term say what in your life have you this is Laura the star of the show and Tony tries impressing her by noticing that she's from England who he knows where countries are this time around unfortunately she just saw two of a kind hey give it another shot what's the harm would you do that for you they broke my face for the store I didn't giving you my best come on Jen try to mangle my face what the fuck at least she didn't touch your hair you did work on it all night this actually works better and Tony finds out about a new audition one that he already knew about did you know that it was gonna have an audition here tomorrow I told you that a week ago doing here maybe wasn't paying attention you got a high damn it wasn't the ending of the first one all about Tony working hard to try to be friends with a woman I don't know how well those lessons paid off oh come on Jackie I'm not trying to make you jealous I think you're a good dancer I mean you're not great but you're okay can you get me a Laura's phone number since the opening credits didn't show up for this audition maybe they can get through the routine without a bunch of freeze frames hi I'm joy I'm happiness you out luckily it's a couple's audition Tony Manero it is 13-inch dick afterwards Tony goes to hit on Laura in a spot or Alex and the drugs previously beat up a homeless man I have to cancel my meeting with the mayor and then I'd have to cancel my yoga cause that's all right I have to cancel my brain operation is one of you gonna cancel your class on being an awkward close talker Tony and Laura spend a nice day together while another Bee Gees song plays but it's not night fever so I don't care too much actually that songs pretty good too his motives then become clear he steals her fucking purse and yet they still end up at her fancy apartment oh come on you'd have to work like ten shows in order for this her fancy apartment only costs fifty bucks but at least the bedroom audition was a success he's got to call his girlfriend in the middle of the night and tell her all about his date he waits around to receive a call about the show while practicing his murder face good news is he got the part bad news it's for the experts Julia vaso returns as Tony's mother let's get some of that Saturday Night Fever magic back in here how you doing I'm all right I'm fine okay gee thanks for that could you at least bring up father Frank that might make her cry then again we do get another Frank who is a brother in this damn this bar is hoppin which it should be it's dollar Frank Stallone night if bars came with their own Frank Stallone I might actually go to karaoke night and of course Tony sleeps with anyone under the Sun but gets jealous when anyone makes eyes at Jackie what is wrong with you I don't know I just don't like guys they get no respect no oops someone switched out Tony's dance tapes with Rodney Dangerfield stand up one of my problems you don't get no restraint no respect of them even gets rejected again by Laura who has a date with Count Dracula and here we have another dancing montage even Kenny Loggins looks displeased by this the hell play is this again for those who forgot the show's called Satan's alley it's a journey through hell it ends with an ascent to heaven the fuck that sounds like some smart asses negative review of grease Laura doesn't seem too eager to sleep with Tony again so shoving her around a bit will help who do you think you're dealing with some little groupie that jumps when you call is that do you think I am we met I liked you we made it what do you think it was true love and you think I used you what about you using me everybody uses everybody in the only play that is 13-inch dick was worthless Satan's alley that should get at least one performance of hair at least this gave Michael McDonald his inspiration for lb over you so what comes next in the movie that's right more group dancing you can see all of these parallels with Saturday Night Fever sure the dancing is there and Tony's relationship with Jackie and his flirtation with Laura is not unlike his relationships with Annette Stephanie but unfortunately the character arcs dialogue and emotions are replaced with people just looking jealous at each other it's a very harmless film and that's the problem it's harmless this movie is about as gritty as a dry sweat band even Tony and Laura's fight seems to have been completely forgotten when in the next scene she invites him to a party and he still hasn't gotten a proper agent hey you know I don't care if I never get a message are you sure it's some guy named Tarantino talking about some pulp fiction movie on the plus side while at the party Toni Crockett found his Tubbs again this mimics Toni's relationship with a slightly more sophisticated Stephanie and Saturday Night Fever only if all of their scenes were just Toni looking pissed off and who invited James Brolin is George Lutz there's gonna be a lot of tall tales at this party uh standing out here on the balcony overlooking the city just imagine how much better movies there are being filmed right now and she doesn't like Toni why did she invite him I invited you here tonight because no way I thought you're interesting say what let's forget for a second that Toni's sort of comes across like a stalker and how many angry looks he gives her and that he never leaves her side if nothing else comes to this at least you'll have an interesting chapter for your diary you know the way helped make Christmas oh shit it's Christmas he's got to get his mother a new church hat Toni leaves and I realized that dirty dancing is a better Cynthia Rhodes movie but she doesn't have to audition for it right in the middle of staying alive though she is right I would rather be watching her in Flashdance instead ah the look of a man who's settling Jacki is sad that Toni's late for her show but in his defense he did just take down an incredibly deadly drug cartel she's just now realizing that he treats her like shit do you know how many times you've done this to me I love you so much Toni don't you know that why dam rejected by two women in the same night feel the hearts break-in and everybody shakin life's going nowhere and nobody's helping he walks by the old Odyssey disco and with Stallone writing it a ghost is gonna tell him to dance you son of a bitch because Mickey loves you tony has another scene with his mom in the only scene that really does feel like a sequel to Saturday Night Fever in which Tony tries to make amends for all the ass we things he's done in the past granted it's weird that Laura dumping him gave him this realization and not a net being raped or Bobby committing suicide the scene is even kind of funny when his mom tells him it's okay to be a bastard cuz that's what got him out of the house just like I shouldn't apologize for being an asshole it's what made me popular on the Internet he should apologizing for forgetting her Christmas present and then it goes from Saturday Night Fever and back to staying alive with more dancing montages alright Barry Gibb stay behind the scenes and quit groping the actresses and quit looking jealous Tony I thought you were past that the stodie and Jackie formed the band rock set with his newfound non-asshole ashiness Tony desperately tries to make it up to Jackie but I know I know I treat you bad I know I got terrible manners but the people I grew up with had town Madison after why you got a notice some of this rubs off fun forget it Tony that excuse didn't work for Heinrich Himmler and it ain't working for you either Tony comes up with a plan to take over the lead role of Satan's alley from I don't know some guy who's hardly a character in this film at least I assume he's wanting to take over for Satan's alley either that or he's trying to take gymkata away from Kurt Thomas perhaps it's the dancing which will bring them back together and not Tony's lines also I wanna say something but it it's really hard I'm just not used to saying nice things to you this song so I'm just gonna call you dumb cunt sure it out the next day Tony makes his move to be the new star look your dick is a big enough kid we need to put Tony's dick in instead huh this guy has been ready since day one for his spandex off but Tony can't simply take over the lead and Satan's alley he needs a good kick in the balls first what do you think you're so terrific you're gonna go out you're gonna score another show is that it the best thing that you ever scored in your whole life there's Laura but you even blow that cuz you got to webbing with Carl Wilson from the Beach Boys is right if he ended up with Laura she could have paid him so much money after the divorce by the way this is what your Volta needs to do next time he presents with someone at the Oscars let Twitter go nuts for months apparently Satan's alley is just dancing montages that's all the movie is they are most certainly showing the fever into the fire taking it higher and higher goddamm this movie ends one montage just to go into another montage even rocky 4 would say yo enough with the montages these montages take forever just a minute at a time looks like the dancers batteries are about to explode lease Satan's Ali looks to be bringing in better numbers than that Superman musical unique New York unique New York unique New York we ready for another stallone touch no did he just say yo Adrian Showtime oh thank you to leave the Rocky references to people reviewing this movie 32 years later the show is about to get started so might as well get in some last-minute advice from Steven Wood from Fame wait a minute that is Steven Wood from Fame donees mom is in the audience and originally there was also a cameo from Donna Pascal's Annette from Saturday Night Fever but her scene was cut presumably because they didn't want you to think too much about how much better the previous film is well the practicing was lame what's the actual show like what the fuck is he gonna get mauled by a tiger on stage this um why didn't I see him practicing this never mind music from Frank Stallone in the Bee Gees why isn't driller doing the music Lord they took the island of Capri scene from Caligula and made a fucking musical out of it Tony lives among the creatures of the night he hasn't got the will to try and fight please tell me there's more again what the fuck I don't know what's happening here but I do know what's going to be very dated I've now seen the inside of Dante's Inferno and each level is scored by Andrew Lloyd Webber this is just like the end of Saturday Night Fever if it were directed by John Derek as an allegory for losing virginity this is the closest of pg-rated film has ever come to being straight-up porn uh well kinda after Tony ad-libs a kiss laura scratches him in the face because why not audition for cats right now seems rather appropriate how is he gonna explain this to Jackie listen can I ask you something what would you have to kiss her how come that didn't mean love for me yeah so it hasn't changed you know you're seeing a truly wonderful live show when part of it is in slow motion Satan's alley proves that you can mud wrestle with no mud when you take out all the slow-motion and put it in regular speed is the play only five minutes long this is the musical version of don't go near the park that we didn't know that we needed meanwhile backstage they got to put on their Larry find his Catwoman hats the next part got off to a slow start since elizabeth berkley pushed gina gershon down the stairs why isn't this the entire movie Stallone missed his true calling fuckin with Broadway audiences and now they're going to perform a human sacrifice on stage this is starting to remind me of a certain trailer for another bad sequel are they going to ascend into heaven now this is the weirdest play that Joey Tribbiani ever starred in Entertainment Weekly called stayin alive the worst sequel ever made and it even has a zero on Rotten Tomatoes all of that is taking away from the fact that this shit needs to be seen to be believed staying alive may be a zero but Satan's alley is clearly a hundred the play even has trick camerawork to go along with its bloopers the fuck is going on here this should have been the opening play in the gallows I would have understood a deadly accident here yes yes jump jump jump god amateur however feeling someone is gonna die on stage so what well have fun doing that show for the rest of your life Tony the reviews are in every Broadway critic has now seen the face of God and if you think the ending to Satan's alley is good well if Stallone is gonna one-up that by making the movies ending even better what I want to do I do know what I want to do wait for it strut because sometimes you just gotta walk along with music that isn't really there and leave your girlfriend behind at the theatre seriously he just left her there is he going back and what does this look like if you're not hearing the music and Tony's head a m-- bring BG's back uh just like the opening of Saturday Night Fever only was significantly more ass and significantly more dick that doesn't even prepare us for the biggest twist of all he's a ghost goddamn it he's been a ghost this entire time and it should have been obvious only angels can bring us something as magical as Satan's alley anyway back to hating this movie I just I just don't know if I can I mean sure staying alive but Satan's alley what is the deal with this movie staying alive is often cited among the list of Travolta's bombs before his big comeback in 1994 here's the thing though staying alive wasn't a bomb sure was panned by critics received a handful of Razzie nominations but the film was one of the top grossing movies of 1983 and brought in 64 million dollars against a twenty two million dollar budget on the hell does someone receive a Razzie nomination at one point and an Oscar nomination at another point for playing the same character whatever Travolta went through two years of physical training and was in the best shape of his life in this movie I don't know what got a better workout his biceps or his dick but if they wanted to capture the NIT and grit and realism of Saturday Night Fever then they failed what did the hell was their point making this movie to begin with can you believe it Rocky Balboa and Tony Manero the two dumbest people in the history of cinema now together for the first time to form the dumbest worst film of all time okay what I'm sorry can I hear that again now together for the first time the poem the dumbest worst film of all time okay the hell they intended to make a stupid movie well fuck am I supposed to hate on it now there wasn't even supposed to be gritty is that what Stallone was trying to do troll the goddamn audience I don't know if he had to use Saturday Night Fever for his little joke but apparently it worked the movie is known for being bad and stupid which apparently was the point just a couple of guys getting together and being dumb you know what I feel like doing you know what I feel like doing right now sitting here and looking angry and watching John Travolta and Frank Stallone out badass each other sorry is everything all right everything is fine she's in good hands yeah what do you Allstate pal yeah you want disability look I'll see you Wednesday okay

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