The DOTA 2 Reporter Season 3 All Episodes

Author:

Wronchi

Keywords:

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Subtitles:
DOTA 2. A competitive game of action and strategy. Two teams of five heroes face off on the landscape of the Radiant and the Dire. Waging campaigns of cunning, stealth, and outright warfare. It is a game of infinite depth and complexity, I've learned so much in my time delving into the world of Dota, but the most important thing I've learned... ...is that there's always more to learn. [Enigma] Enigma! Oh, Dire side, huh? Seems a bit... dreary. ...and Dire. [Nigel] Enigma! Long time no see. [Enigma] Yo. You looking to be the courier again? [Nigel] Not this time, I'm merely a neutral observer this go-around. I'm going to try and soak in all the parts of the game. [Enigma] Uh oh. That means somebody on our team will have to... ...BUY A COURIER! [Nigel] Just wanted to take this chance to say good luck to you and your team. [Enigma] My team... who else is getting picked here? [Tidehunter] I am Tidehunter! [Enigma] Hi! [Tidehunter] Tidehunter will now decide what to wear! Oh! Pirate hat! Look, I'm Kunkka! Howdy howdy howdy! [Enigma] That's... that's not... no. [Tidehunter] Oh! Octo-hat! Kraken shell! Wait! I got it! Octo-hat, sharky-back, and squid buddy! [FANFARE] [Phoenix] Screeeeeeeee! [Tidehunter] Bird! [Crystal Maiden] Crystal Maiden! [Tidehunter] Lady! [Enigma] Well I never thought I'd say this, but, we need a carry. [Tidehunter] Carry? [Enigma] No... no. [Terrorblade] From the hell of hells, I come. [Tidehunter] Scary carry! [Enigma] Alright team, what are we up against? [Juggernaut] I am Juggernaut! [Enigma] Chump. [Timbersaw] Timbersaw! [Terrorblade] Weirdo. [Kunkka] Fear not, your admiral is on board! [Tidehunter] Smelly! [Axe] Axe! [Terrorblade] What an axe-hole. Haaaa ha ha! Get it? Axe-hole? Axe... hole? Uh... LAUGH AT MY JOKES! [Rubick] Rubick! [Nigel] Wow, who saw THAT coming? Every.... everyone. Everyone saw that coming. [Rubick] Good day teammates! [Pudgling] Eh. [Rubick] Timbersaw! A ward for you for the top lane! [Timbersaw] Th-thuu, thanks. [Rubick] Need a spare tango? [Timbersaw] Get that away from me. [Kunkka] I shall situate myself to the middle lane! [Rubick] Axe, are you heading to the jungle? [Axe] Axe-actly! [Juggernaut] I shall go bottom. [Rubick] Me too! [Phoenix] (Bird noises) [Terrorblade] We need a courier. [Enigma] I got it! [Tidehunter] I'll buy! [Enigma] One of you is going to be the shunned non-flying courier, so sorry about that. (Captioner's note: How the heck do you subtitle Phoenix's bird noises?) (I mean like...) (Scree?) [Nigel] Hello and welcome to a new Dota 2 report. Today we're going to look at some of the events that happen in the very early stages of the game. One of my favorites is the rush for the first rune that spawns in the river. (Captioner's note: 0 minute bounty runes weren't in the game yet.) [Enigma] Alright I'll see if the... [BLARING STARTING HORN] [Enigma] I'm gonna check the top r- [Announcer] The battle begins! [Enigma] I'm gonna check the top river for rune. [DRAMATIC STAND-OFF MUSIC] [ANGELIC CHOIR] [MORE DRAMATIC STAND-OFF MUSIC] [Enigma] Uh. Th- Well that was that. 'kay bye! [Nigel] Looks like Phoenix is body-blocking his creep wave. [Phoenix] Scrawwk! [Nigel] Slippery little devils aren't they? [Enigma] I learned that from watching good people play! And then doing what they do! Although I don't always necessarily know why they do what they do, but I do it anyways because they did it! Ok, now off to the jungle. [Enigma] Eennn.... Enigma in th- eh, nevermind. It's time for some micro-management! Oh no, you're getting hurt! Move back! Micro! Ok, time for one of my clarities! Hey wh-what are you doing? Get back in there and attack him! Gah! No my clarity! Eh- damn it! What else could go wrong? [Tidehunter] Gahhh! [Juggernaut] JUGGERNAUTTTT! [Tidehunter] No no no no no no! [Tidehunter] I could eat a plan- [Announcer] FIRST BLOOD! [Juggernaut] Witty remark about first blood. [Juggernaut] Ha ha! [Rubick] Yes! First blood! I have such high hope for the remainder of this match now! Surely things will go our way today! [Enigma] Oh god we just gave up first blood! Now I have prematurely lost all hope for this game! We might as well give up now! Unless... *Clears throat* What else could go right? Eh? [Terrorblade] Yes! My first last hit! (Captioner's note: I wonder if these notes will even get in the final cut?) (Oh well.) [Nigel] Hello and welcome to a new DOTA 2 report. We're at a time in the game that many call the 'laning phase'. (Respawn music) Heroes are trying to get last hits, denies, levels, [Tidehunter] From the depths I return! And with a new style! Sigh... Well, time to take a long first-blood-can't-afford-a-teleport-scroll walk of shame. [Shameful and sad music] [Nigel] A death here or a kill there can make a lot of difference in the flow of the game. [Terrorblade] Ow! [Timbersaw] He ha ha! [Terroblade] Rrrrgh! Crystalline Maiden, harass our enemy! I need space to farm adequately! [Crystal Maiden] Swift as the wolves of Icewrack! [Timbersaw] Well... that tickled. [Terrorblade] Perhaps psychological warfare is required in this case. Ahem. Timbersaw look! A tree! [Timbersaw] Oh, s-sorry? A tree? Woah, yeah, that's really funny. I've never heard that one before! [Slightly(?) insane laughter] Oh nooo, a tree! I'm scared! Happy? [Enigma] Yo, terror guy! Cold wizard! I got a plan! I'll pull this small creep camp into the path of our creep wave, that way Timbersaw will be forced to move forward closer to our tower, ...y'know when you say this stuff out loud it sounds really ridiculous. [Race car noises] [Enigma] Well I sort of did it. [Terrorblade] A pull just happened! When Timbersaw approaches, use Frost Bite! [Crystal Maiden] Frost Bite! [Terrorblade] Y-yes, Frost Bite. Anyways use that to keep him in place. [Crystal Maiden] Someday, I'll return to the Blueheart Glacier, and sleep for a thousand years! [Terrorblade] WHAT!? [Crystal Maiden] Attack! [Timbersaw] Now that's scary! Agh! Oh god oh god ohgod ohgodohgodohgod EJECT! Eh- oof! [Shameful and sad music continues] [Remember that? That never stopped being a thing.] [Shameful and sad music continues] (Captioner's Note: I just realized how bad these lanes are.) (Zero armor Phoenix versus Kunkka? Mid?) [Nigel] Hello and welcome to a new DOTA 2 report. I've caught up with a hero known as Axe. He's been clearing camps in the Radiant jungle up to this point, and I hope to get a quick interview with him. Let's wait for him to finish off those creeps. [Axe] YARGH! Ha! HAAAA! [Nigel] Hello, thank you for your time, Axe. [Axe] Axe is AXE! [Nigel] So you've been jungling here. How's that been going? How has the ability 'Counter-Helix' helped you? It says here it has a chance to activate when attacked. [Axe] Axe! [Nigel] What items are you working on? [Axe] AXE IS AXE! [Nigel] It is somewhat difficult to have a two-way conversation with someone with a limited number of pre-recorded responses. [Terrorblade] Tell me about it. [Crystal Maiden] Some day, I'll return to the Blueheart Glacier, [Terrorblade] RrrrrGGHHHHH [Nigel] I'll guess I'll just have to, eh heh, axe-cept this and move on, huh? [Axe] AXE! [Juggernaut] Cause I'm freeeeeeeee... Free farming! Ha ha! [Rubick] And stay back, Tidehunter! You wouldn't want to die again, now, would you? [Tidehunter] No! [Rubick] Well good. [Rubick] Ah ah ahhh! [Tidehunter] Owie! [Rubick] Getting good farm, Juggernaut? [Juggernaut] Yes, good farm. Very rich! Purchase boots of phase. [Rubick] Grrreat! [Juggernaut] This conversation, was likely very easy, to animate. [Kunkka] Hm hmm! Firebird ahoy! [Phoenix] Cooo? [Kunkka] Brace! Ha ha! [Phoenix] (Disraught bird noises) [Kunkka] Ha ha, yes! It's almost time for the rune to spawn in the river! [Phoenix] (Disraught bird gasp) [Kunkka] Hasty rune indeed! [Phoenix] Screeeeee! (Capitoner's Note: You see what I mean about Phoenix noises?) [Triumphant horns] [Kunkka] Ah haa! [Phoenix] SQUAWK! [Axe] HAAA! (Captione-oh right into the action huh) [Crystal Maiden] Missing top! [Terrorblade] Deugh, he's not missing! He just left our vision for a brief moment! See? Not missing. [Crystal Maiden] Missing top! [Terrorblade] Nononononononono [Crystal Maiden] Missing top! [Terrorblade] Not listening la la la la la la la la la [Enigma] Winter sorceress! We need to teleport bottom and help out sea monster guy! Use your teleport scroll that I'm -sure- you totally have, right? Ugh, always carry a teleport scroll. Go to the shop and, Oh you actually have one. LET'S GO! [Eidolon] And he was gone just like that. And we... were alone. Brothers, without direction, without purpose. We were aimless vessels, eidolons who had nothing left. And then we died. [Rubick] Ready to dive, Juggernaut? Attack! [Tidehunter] Oh no oh no oh no oh no! No no no! [Triumphant horns] [Tidehunter] Friends! [Enigma] Turn around and fight, Tidefighter! ...Hunter. Oh, hey, it's Rubick. [Rubick] Hey, it's me! [Enigma] I completely forgot Rubick was in this game! I've just, y'know, been in my own little world on the other side of the map the whole time. Haven't, really... uh, paid attention to anything, else. [Crystal Maiden] To battle! [Juggernaut] Back. Back! [Rubick] Retreat for the moment. But Juggie, are you ready for... The TURNAROUND! [Axe] AXE IS AXE! [Enigma] Gah I don't want to attack you! Why can't I control mah body! [Axe] HAAAA! [Enigma] OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO VIOLENT! [Tidehunter] L-lady? [Enigma] Waaaa! [Tidehunter] Rrrgh... [Axe] Mwah ha ha ha ha ha! [Axe] Gehhhh! [Enigma] Oh, thanks tower. [Enigma] Let's... turn around! We can pick off Rubick! Now's our chance to get back at the HOLY SHIP! [Tidehunter] KUNKKAAAA! [Enigma] Waaaa! [Rubick] It's the turn around! ...Again! [Enigma] More reinforcements! [Tidehunter] More friends! [Phoenix] Squak! [Enigma] Okay... Let's turn around! [Overly dramatic and slightly sci-fi-y sounding laser charging noises] (Captioner's note: I still don't know which sounds to caption. The ones that provide comedic effect?) [Overly dramatic and slightly sci-fi-y sounding laser charging noises] [Phoenix] SQUWAK! [Enigma] WOAH THAT'S AWESOMEEE [Tidehunter] WOW! [Enigma] Okay. [Enigma] Got'cha! [Kunkka] Oh Tidehunter! You putrid, fat, [Enigma] I'm sorry w-were you trying to say something? I-I'm not sure, I can't hear yah, [Tidehunter] Ha ha ha ha! [Enigma] Can you say that again? Oh, you're dead. [Tidehunter] Friends help kill Kunkka! Yaaaaaay! [Phoenix] (Bird squawking noises) [Juggernaut] Quite the battle. [Rubick] But it's not over yet! Are you ready for the turnaround again... Again? [Enigma] Good going guys. It was kinda messy, but we came out of that OH MY GOD A LITTLE PINK GUY IN A ROBOT! [Timbersaw] Wa-hooo! [Phoenix] Squawk! [Timbersaw] That's going on the highlight reel! Not 0-1 anymore! hueueueue [Terrorblade] Umm... Missing... Ugh. Top. [Tidehunter] WARBLGLBLGLWLBLGL Tidehunter okay. [Tidehunter] Turn... around? [Enigma] *Clears throat* Yeah. [Terrorblade] Who's the carry you ask? I'M the carry. Yeah, that's right, I'm the carry. The carry here! Farming awayyyy. Oh? What's this? Are those MY badass flaming footsteps? Well would you look at that, they are! Hey, Terrorblade! [Terrorblade Illus.] Sup? [Terrorblade] Check this out. [Terrorblade Illus.] Oh my god I can do it too, I can do it too! [Terrorblade] Ho, ha ha, ho ha! [Timbersaw] Good thing I'm here. [Announcer] Radiant's structures are fortified. [Terrorblade] NO! DIE DIE DIE! [Announcer] Radiant's top tower has been denied. [Rubick] Yes! My attack was the final blow that brought down my own building! Which is good in this game! Huzzah! [Terrorblade] Curse you Rubick! You will rue the day you crossed the mighty TERROR- [Wolves howl, crickets chirp] Uh... Yeah. Ergh. [Terrorblade] Shopkeep! I require your finest Belt of Strength! [Shopkeep] That'll be 450 gold sir. [Terrorblade] What?! L-look, I escaped from the hell of hells, alright? I'm a demon feared by OTHER DEMONS. A-and you expect ME, to pay full price for this crap? [Shopkeep] Yeah well whadda gonna do about it, bitch? [Terrorblade] Hoahhhhhh Okay... Ughhhh...... Tch. I need a Morbid Mask too. And, and I need one of those. Tch, uhh, ugh... I don't know what this is called. [Rubick] Hey there fellow teammates! [Timbersaw] Remember when I got the last hit on the bottom tower? [Rubick] I think it'd be a good idea to try and kill Terrorblade! [Timbersaw] That would be a good idea. [Rubick] We don't want him to get too much farm. [Timbersaw] Nnnno we do not. [Rubick] So I suggest we get some Smoke of Deceit and ambush him! [Timbersaw] I agree with your assessment of the situation. [Rubick] Let's have the courier bring us the smoke. Hm hmm, where is he? [Kunkka] Ahhh! Ha ha ha! Return to base and refill my trusty Bottle! [Pudgling] (Grunting) Nyah. [Rubick] Well that'll be a while. Let's just loop around and try and catch him from the jungle. [Terrorblade] Yah! Damn it. Shit. [Rubick] I'm just gonna assume they don't have wards and didn't see us coming. [Timbersaw] Let's go! [Enigma] Not so fast! It just so happens that we DO have zero wards and we just happened upon you by dumb luck! [Tidehunter] Yeah! Dumb! [Rubick] Timbersaw, come back! We might need a little help here! [Timbersaw] There's no stopping the saw now! This carry's going down! Gaaaah! [Enigma] Ugh. I feel really hungry for battle all of a sudden! [Crystal Maiden] Agh! [Enigma] Dwah! [Terrorblade] Rruargh! [Timbersaw] Oh ho ho, yes! Looks like another kill for me! [Axe] AXE! [Enigma] Watch out for the Berserker's Call! You saw what it did last time! [Enigma] Gah I don't want to attack you! [Axe] HAAAA! [Crystal Maiden] F*ck. [Axe] Rraaar! [Enigma] Ha! I guess the Berserker's Call... Didn't go through and the line was busy! Got'em. [Rubick] Frostbitten, twice shy! O-oh, that's not... my line. [Enigma] I can think of one way we can take this fight. Let's. Press. R. Or whatever happens to be the hotkey for your ultimate ability. [Tidehunter] Tidehunter... R! [Enigma] And take this! [Enigma thinking] We did it. We're gonna kill Rubick! I bet he's impressed. There's no way for him to weasel out of this one! Wait a second, I shouldn't have said that, now he's DEFINITELY gonna find a way out of this! No? Nothing? Good. I wanna see the look on his face when [Enigma] Oh come on! I guess we should just be happy that we're all alive. Where the hell is Nigel? [Timbersaw] Don't worry team your death won't be in vain! I got who we really came for! [Terrorblade] No! [Timbersaw] So long, suckaaaa! [Terrorblade] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *Poof* [Timbersaw] What. [Terrorblade] Awesome! [Nigel] Oh my god, what happened? How long have I been out? (Captioner's Note: Oh my god this was 6.82? God that feels like ages ago.) Oh my god. Oh my GOD! What is THAT? A new rune? Roshan's MOVED? Changes to almost every hero? Huh. I should overreact to all of this and jump to conclusions before letting it play out. Anyways, what's been happening in THIS game? [Enigma] Stupid Satyr and your damn purple ball ruining everything! Grrk! [Tidehunter] We should chase Timbersaw! [Enigma] I know... But I just... I hate these Satyrs SO MUCH you don't even realize. [Tidehunter] He will get away! [Enigma] I know, okay, alright. Yeah this is... This is better actually. Just, kill his whole family and leave him there. Whadda gonna do about it? NOTHING. You'll just stand in that spot forever! Alone! Until someone kills you later! Geez that got dark. [Timbersaw] Ehhh it's a little... A little big. D-do they come in any other sizes? Ah whatever. [Enigma] Get him! [Timbersaw] Ah! Uh oh! Eh! [Enigma] Frosty chick! Check in the trees over there! I'll check down here! [Timbersaw] Come on come on come on come on come on COME ON COME ON Wah ha haa! Ohhhhh f*ck! God f*cking, ahh! [Enigma] This way guys! [Enigma] Waaaah! Get back here... Where did he go? *Exasperated noises* I hate the fog-of-war SO MUCH. [Timbersaw] Here boy. Woahhh hehe, run run, run, ohhhh [Enigma] Oh my god if I just waited here for a couple of seconds I could afford a Blink Dagger but I don't have the time to wait I have to go chase I hate everything! *Further exasperated noises* [Timbersaw] That one looks angry! [Enigma] Oh yeah it kinda does. [Timbersaw] Yeah I'm not crazy, but I am outta here! * 'Not crazy' laughter* [Enigma] Not this time. *Laughter slows in pitch* (God, Doom, is that you?) *Laughter slows in pitch* [Tidehunter] *Out of breath* Wait for Tidehunter! Heugh? *X-Marks the Spot Bass Plays* [Tidehunter] KUNKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -AAAAAAAAAA! [Kunkka] Oh ho, knock knock, ho ho! [Tidehunter] Uh, who's there? [Kunkka] Interrupting Torrent. [Tidehunter] Interrupting Torrent, who? [Tidehunter] Gaaahhughh! [Kunkka] Hmmm, wow. I messed THAT all up. [Timbersaw] Reactive armor online. Ack, can't see! I... This is very poorly designed! [Juggernaut] Timbersaw! A healing ward. For you. [Timbersaw] Thanks! Oh, how the tables have turned... oh yay I can see. [Juggernaut] I the Juggernaut... I have finished building a BATTLE FURYYYYYYYYYY [Enigma] And we dove really far and are surrounded. Good. Good, great, okay yaaaay team. [Phoenix] Squak! [Enigma] Oh Phoenix, no! [Phoenix] (Confused squawking) [Enigma] Don't try to save us! It's not worth it! [Phoenix] (Rebellious squawk) (I-regret-this-decision squawking) [Juggernaut] Ha ha! [Terrorblade] Oh there's.... only one creep here. What a rip-off! [Terrorblade Illu.] Let me finish the story. So there I was. Sud- [Terrorblade] Huh. Idea! Perhaps this Satyr would like to join the dominator army! Ha! Ha! Haargh! Yesss! Look! Hellbear! We now have a new recruit among our ranks! N-no! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'll get over it. [Crystal Maiden] Nothing like a little cooldown! [Enigma] Well that was rough. [Phoenix] Caw! [Enigma] Yeah you know what you did! [Phoenix] (Dejected caw) [Enigma] We can still win this game guys! We just gotta play a little bit smarter! A little bit safer! [Crystal Maiden] Aaarrghhh! [Enigma] Thanks for that example. Stop doing stuff like THAT. I mean, as long as Terrorblade keep farming we got a shot! At least I think that's what he's been doing. [Terrorblade] ♪ Terrorblade in the jungle. ♪ ♪ Terrorblade in the jungle! ♪ ♪ Farming creeps and stuff and ♪ ♪ GETTING RIIICHHHH! ♪ ♪ So I can buy items that will help me farm ♪ ♪ even more, yeah yeahhhhh! ♪ [Enigma] F*cking Satyr. Anyways, let's regroup! Terrorblade will hopefully keep getting money! > Relax, we're doing fine. Sort of. In some ways. What the shit? [Tidehunter] Tidehunter pause! [Juggernaut] Oh, what is this? [Rubick] One of their players disconnected. [Kunkka] I really want this new bounty rune! [Enigma] Does anyone on our team know Phoenix? [Timbersaw] Hey what's the f*cking deal? Tell me the EXACT reason for which you have paused this game, OR ELSE! You have one second! [Enigma] Well our Phoenix just kinda l- [Timbersaw] Un-pause! [Axe] Axe! [Tidehunter] Oh no! [Rubick] Hey maybe we should wait for a bit and see if their teammate comes back! [Crystal Maiden] Agreed! [Enigma] Yeah, I'll pause. [Kunkka] *Strained noises* [Timbersaw] Does anybody over there even know if he is coming back? [Tidehunter] Tidehunter doesn't know! [Terrorblade] Why the f*ck do we keep pausing? [Enigma] Jesus. [Timbersaw] Times up! Unpause. [Enigma] Damn it. Ok, well, hopefully Phoenix will come back [Assorted Dire team laughter] [Tidehunter] Biirrrrrrd! [Enigma] Guhhhhhooookay, well now what. [Nigel] Hey Enigma, I might have an idea. [Enigma] Well, do you or don't you? [Nigel] Well, for a while now, I've been learning about DOTA 2. Being the courier, watching from afar. But, maybe it's time to give it a real try. [Enigma] What? How? [Nigel] I will control the abandoned hero! I'll play as Phoenix for the rest of the game! [Enigma] What? That's not possible. [Nigel] Sure it is! Since when has in-game accuracy ever stopped us? [Enigma] Oooooh! [Nigel] It won't be pretty. I won't be good. But there's no reason not to try. And what better way to learn? [Enigma] There are a lot of better ways to learn than being suddenly forced to play Phoenix in the middle of a game. It makes no sense and isn't possible in the real game, but who gives a shit let's do it. [Enigma] Really. [Nigel] Okay, I think I'm part of the game now. I'm Phoenix! [Enigma] This is beyond weird. Let's get back out there! [Nigel] I'll be right there! Just have to skim my abilities really quick. I-I'm not totally familiar with them. Chapter one. [Juggernaut] Witty remark about destroying tower! [Rubick] That Terrorblade must still be in the jungle somewhere! [Enigma] Oh, hey. [Nigel] I'm just following you I really don't know what I'm doing. [Enigma] Well, let me get the last hits here. Working on the old Blink Dagger. [Terrorblade] Hey guys. Hey, 'scuse me. [Enigma] HRRRGHHH Aaaaah! [Rubick] Well that's not Terrorblade! [Enigma] Shiieeet. [Nigel] Enigma! [Enigma] Ow. [Terrorblade] What's making all that racket? Oh. Terror time, bitches! Now I'm big and scary! [Rubick] Oooh, that looks fun! Raaawwrr! [Enigma] Okay, okay, okay [Nigel] Woooaahhhhh! [Juggernaut] Making CIRCLESSSSS! [Enigma] Waaaaaah! Nyahaaaa I panicked! [Rubick] Terror-zap! [Enigma] Ow. [Terrorblade] Awh hell of hells, no! [Timbersaw] Oh you're in for it this time, buddy. [Terrorblade and Timbersaw screaming] [Rubick] Wait, come back and kill Phoenix! [Nigel] I've never pressed this ability. I wonder what it does? [Rubick] Waaah! Hit the Phoenix sun! Come back and hit the Phoenix sun! [Nigel] Woah. [Juggernaut] Hmm, shit. Clever quip about dying. [Nigel] Wow. That was fun! [Tidehunter] (Panting) [Tidehunter] Sorry I'm late everybody! Tidehunter had a very long walk here after getting a rune of invisibility! And now it's gone! [Nigel] Hello and welcome to a new DOTA 2 report. Last time I was able to join the actual game and control one of the Dire heroes. I'm playing as Phoenix! Here look. See? [Terrorblade] It was nice to battle with you guys! I'm going back to my single-player PvE farm game now. [Tidehunter] Bird? Talking?

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