The New York Ripper The Cinema Snob

as I said several months ago this would be the year that we take a look at some notable entries in Italian our and then I slipped and fell in a well of more what the fuck Hollywood movies what it's easy to get distracted when one minute you're watching Anthony quints ghost against a black backdrop and the next minute you're watching a dog rescue other dogs from a slaughterhouse my attention span easily gets lost you're stupid [Music] [Music] [Music] figures we'd be talking about another Lucci of Fuji movie it's like going to the roulette table and either betting on red or black you know it's either gonna be Lucci Oh fool to your Dario Argento but then again there is the wild card of Bruno mattei hmm never been to Vegas in a while arguably director Lucci Oh bull cheese most controversial film is the 1982 giallo sleaze Fest the New York Ripper a movie often criticized for its seeming hatred of women and buckets of on-screen sex and violence it's a movie about a serial killer stalking women in the streets of New York City and I agree with the other critics it should be about a serial killer who loves women I expect only quality cinema to be released on DVD under shameless screen entertainment and look at this poster it's clearly ripping off this Italian poster that I have behind my chair I'm not sure what this poster is for but it's obvious that the word Ripper in the title has a double meaning the New York Ripper opens with a sweeping shot over too soon Harbor things are really quiet this time around when there aren't zombies walking across the bridge a man and his dog I'm assuming the dog talks yeah eight I was behind a countess what does that dog know about working eight hours oh it was the guy talking I just don't know what animals can or can't talk anymore I don't see what's so sexist about playing fetch it's a girl dog - he's getting her into sports thattagirl good yeah I'll bring it here come on I'm so proud of you that's it that's it is such a good girl that's the look of a man who just noticed that his girl dog has a penis or that that's not a stick [Music] good girl not only did you fetch a severed hand but you fetched a severed hand that is amazing at playing a funky soundtrack what would tequila say in this situation not one donut no candy bars no burritos has everybody gone on a diet in this place for what what does that have to do with anything it's really easy to copyright your music when those doing the copywriting or deaf you can put in any music you want they can't hear it our hero is lieutenant Fred Williams and I guess taking out an Owen and n from the last name is the difference between this guy and mean Johnny barrows lieutenant Williams meets with the former landlord of the severed hand mrs. Weiss burger mr. girl oh yes lieutenant that's all right I'm sorry do you wanna fuck the hand maybe she can give some insight such as what's on TV in 1982 I remember back because I get tired on Dallas you know that TV series about that family that has money coming out of his ears just wait until it's remade with a bunch of CW style douchebags in 2012 that's the real head of the Dallas franchise since she doesn't spoil who shot jr. maybe she can let us know about the strange phone calls she received from the killer and he got this telephone call from this son Bryson I ever heard sorta like the duck I have it on good authority that jr. was not shot by darkwing duck that should be enough information for lieutenant Williams to be hot on the case 11 people a day of murdered here in fun city and over half of them are women goodbye the other half unfortunately our bicycles so this girl is in a lot of trouble if they put in the police squad theme wherever she's going is gonna be hilarious I don't really see anything sexist happening so far god dammit your women should stay home where you belong you're a menace to the public you've got the brains of a chicken and you're an asshole if he's mad now wait till he finds out she also plays video games the girl happens to be catching the same ferry as Andrew Dice car so she takes a nod from Linda Evans and writes shit head on the windshield that's one step beyond that jerk Mitchell well if that's who catches her at least she can get a six-pack of beer please you're not a police officer are you I wouldn't think of it no ma'am we're just shooting a movie called the New York River you might want to get out of here clue one the killer is at least handsome enough for her to let him get in the car with her this is a second worst thing Donald Duck is done right next to becoming a Nazi [Music] I've got a bad feeling about nameless bicycle girl her body is found when every other car leaves except for the one that she's in but where's the guy who owns it it wasn't her car shouldn't the owner of the car have found her body maybe he was busy writing a negative review of fury road not sure why we're in the coroner's office I already saw how she died you used a blade I'm stuck it up her joy trail and split her wide open oh thank you to leave the term joy trail out of the official report it's bad enough you put the term fun box in the first girl's report something tells me everything this guy says is gonna be gross I bet my dentures she was she was done in by the same guy the last time none of us are gonna hold your dentures even if your favorite fetish is to be gumming it but most importantly we got to get this cameo out of the way well well well so mr. directors jealous that I got it what Mannix's voice this time and not you better luck next time I have to settle forevers voice this is the important thing though fred is that New Yorkers believe we have the situation firmly under control that the metropolitan forces example of perfect efficiency got it ooh I just made glue goog sound like Bert young and get it over with and I'm not entirely convinced lieutenant Williams is the best cop for this job hey somebody called for you yeah who guy with a strange voice said he called back found it just like a duck I get duck never heard that before maybe from the landlady who said that the killer sounded like a duck how many people come up to you and say that they talked to someone who sounds like a duck how could you forget that the Dennett williams goes to visit paulo malko he once had to deal with a house by the cemetery he's perfect for this case malko plays dr. Paul Davis a psychotherapy professor who was hired to create a profile for the killer you were expecting an old coot with silver temples in German accent no I was expecting someone with a German accent in real life but with a dubbed Long Island accent in the movie well let's hope they get what they pay for here it's about that maniac who loves to slash young girls to death right how did you guess that he knows of carrots hmm what you say is confusing which leads me to believe that you're the best person for the job you let me have all the data and we wait for him to butcher another girl perfect strategy I like what I hear instead of stopping him before the next crime we wait for him to kill again that way we don't waste our effects budget the economy seems strong on 42nd Street circa 1982 girls are only a quarter I love having to decide between a girl and a gumball look at this suspicious guy not sure what color that shirt is but it's definitely red herring this place has it right why filmed the porn and show it on a screen when you can just have the sex right in front of you and yet people will still show up to bootleg it [Music] what the hell a woman's jerking off in a porn theater I come here to masturbate with other dudes goddamn it and Bravo for the performance milady hey faker we're following this girl so something bad is gonna happen to her oh shit where's that green light coming from this is very confusing lighting prick bastard Italian Shh the director is right behind the camera well the red herring is gone probably because he was as excited as everyone else in the audience what's that old saying show me the hottest two people having sex and I'll show you a crowd of people who are sick of watching it unless of course it turns into a snuff show [Music] this sounded less like a duck and more like someone repeatedly stepping on a cat's tail plus he's rude too he calls lieutenant Williams when the lieutenant is very busy with a prostitute scrooge mcduck s-- grizzled hag of a wife sure has a mouth on her how are you something tells me that the down-and-dirty duck got very bored of helping insurance agents get laid nothing can ruin these Do's chemistry maybe some company what here sweetheart I'm a prostitute not your wife you want coffee you make it yourself there's an extra 20 in it for you if you make me some damn coffee don't be a dump bitch you know what I mean geez Christ dude you're the hero of this movie the least you could do is be respectful towards the prostitute you're cheating on your wife with turns out the tapes that Pussy Galore has been recording go to a rich husband every male and these gialos have eyes that say I'm gonna rape you poison you or tickle you or all three good lord that's a lot of porno theaters I'm glad that these two have found each other meanwhile dr. Davis has a theory about the killer one he's quite good at concealing his real personality which means total self-control - he wants to provoke you and three likes to be noticed so he's good at doing voices he likes to piss off the cops and he wants people to find the bodies hmm what the hell are we paying you for again maybe it'd be more helpful if you said he had the biggest moose knuckle you've ever seen what's going on here it's not like this movie to get sleazy on me I tell you what I buy you a beer and my friend take you for a ride and here's the part where she picks up the beer and throws it in his face you live gone see st. W live or not I may have to disagree with this movie I'm not entirely convinced that women like to be foot raped [Music] and here we go yet another woman portrayed as a victim in a movie about a serial killer [Music] what the hell even the red herring is a rapist and given that the lead detective is an unfaithful sleazeball I'm not so sure that this movie specifically hates women I think it just hates everyone she should be safe so long as she avoids the bathroom that's where Joe spinel is murdering a nurse [Music] why is she so scared I'd kill to be chased by a funky soundtrack that's right I'd kill the person chasing me which would stop me from being murdered and I got a free soundtrack album out of it wait you mean I could be watching a werewolf in london and Nighthawks double feature why am i stuck watching this movie about a killer duck you're nothing but a bad duck but being stabbed multiple times is no excuse to be missing out on a good double feature what am I supposed to take from that the killer was hiding in her crotch this whole time well now I know who the killer is I guess and that he likes slicing people okay movie Jesus if you keep this up I'm gonna assume you like going overboard with the graphic violence I was all a dream except for the duck part that's real unfortunately this is Fae majors and the man in her dream was her boyfriend Peter you know the guy who was gonna turn out to be the killer at the end don't get mad at me for spoiling it the back of the box does too you came in and killed me yes you were the murderer darling well forget the back of the box the movies good it's spoiling itself at least the three fingered red herring is getting laid careful though her vagina has a very serious foot fungus the one thing worse than being set up with an obvious killer the truth is you escaped from a crazy son of a bitch who's murdered three women already you were very lucky what did the police have to say they said the killer has the same dumb voice as he and Sarah from pod people and pieces I thought you sounded familiar the movie is way ahead of the times audio sex tapes are the way to go it could make it to the press yes but no one could make fun of you for having a tiny penis some beds vibrate with force others vibrate with amazing disco beats she's noticed that he has two fingers missing and is wondering if he broke them off somewhere this is mickus Kalinda played by actor Howard Ross who could also be seen in Christmas vacation 95 I imagine it's less embarrassing than cousin Eddie's Island Adventure I'm not sure what to make of this scene it's just dr. Davis buying a gay porn magazine and then leaving have a nice evening I don't know am I supposed to think that he's the killer because he likes gay porn are they banking on me being suspicious of him just because I've seen the movie windows if that's the case then what rich husband is Elizabeth Ashley recording this shit for I do know that they're banking on me having seen the Warriors but but first of all I want to ask that dude with two fingers missing on his right hand a big question man why baby please leave the ladies alone first the DJ incorrectly accuses the Warriors and now skhul in de they're gonna have to rename your show the sorry about that boppers our careful he's either looking sinister or he's having a heart attack or worse yet he shit the bed the rich dish escapes and the hotel finally made use of that mirror that they installed the scare people who are running from killers why the hell is he still trying to sound like a duck the only person who can hear him is the victim and she's not gonna tell anyone well awkward I'm sorry if I couldn't give you any better welcome lieutenant it's okay these porno tapes your wife having sex with other men is more than enough in fact let's listen to some of them but you're in a lot of trouble for bootlegging the soundtrack to the New York River but go ahead and tell us about the possible killer yeah because your little hobby here no no the rippers identity mickus Kalinda the Greek I know exactly where he is Kiki's restaurant home of the best Greek duck in New York they search skill indos apartment and find needles which proves that his mattress is a heroin addict we're not sure what this is detective but we're positive it has something to do with getting the anus high Oh it's date night Sophia beater gonna curl up on the fire and watch duck soup you're pigheaded no duck headed aside from the whole killer thing Peter is just weird in this country if you're not good at something at anything if you're not the best and smartest or the toughest that's it you're screwed that's not true Adam Sandler still made a career for himself dr. Davis sued stops by to get more info on Scaletta as he believes like we do that Scaletta is not the killer why what do you mean you don't believe me just ask you once more well the movie obviously doesn't believe her since it just cut away from the answer instead it needs to show more important scenes like Peter and Faye engaging in sweet nothings sometimes I wonder how a girl like you with an IQ of 180 too could be such a dummy great so we got the done one version of that asshole we saw in the car earlier it's you baby you're overpowering touch shorts out my brain circuits oh my god it's like watching Mel Gibson flirt with raelynne never thought I'd say this but I want him to leave so he can go kill people she just got that he called her a dummy and she is pissed she sneaks around the house looking through more rooms and huh this is perfectly normal just a bunch of creepy dolls so he's either the killer and this or and don't open the door busca Linda then breaks into the house and she makes the smart move of hiding under the bed and oh my god where does he get such an amazing shine on those boots thank you well it can't be him he doesn't sound like a duck he sounds like an asshole again just because the movie wants us to believe that you're the killer doesn't mean you have to be killing people wait till lieutenant Williams hears about this good night t-thanks no police protection nothing meanwhile the patrol car takes us on another tour of the greatest era of New York City hmm do I choose between blackjack peep shows or mean drunken master how about I just strip off all my clothes and pleasure myself to mean drunken master sounds like a knight then I can move over to 62nd assassin and revenge of the Bushido blade should be over with quick at least one of those movies is only a minute long by the way that's it for that scene it only exists just to show us what other movies are playing on the same street that you're watching New York Ripper on although I take it the other movies don't have a duck voice yeah we don't for you it's duck man's agent this script is a little too graphic for the USA Network thanks however you disappoint me duck you throw a challenge my way you don't have the guts to let me get that or watch the goings on okay never mind the quacking it's a little hard to make even the detective sound threatening when he's using the word duck in the middle of a sentence even when the killer is using lines like this what do you want well then you want to call the DJ for that please anything by Rick Dees will do perfectly fine the duck has taken lieutenant Williams favorite prostitute Kitty hostage and holy crap own spin the killer this whole time lieutenant Williams races to rescue Kitty and there's still some money left in the effects budget so she probably won't make it but this isn't zombie so nothing bad should happen to an eyeball this time around oops you misunderstood me I meant that since this is from the director of zombie this something bad will definitely happen to an eyeball I am terrible at trigger warnings splendas body then turns up after he committed suicide so I guess that's that Hey dayz bullshit man that that son of a bitch he'd murdered kitty four days ago he can't be dead for eight days you're wrong hmm side note I have a feeling that actor Jack Headley's real voice sounds nothing like that I'm sorry I'm I just assumed not really just as I suspected in real life he's dubbed by Michael Sheen by the way what's dr. Davis up to during all this you think according to fixed patterns like a cup okay we know you're not the killer so maybe you should be giving this advice to lieutenant Williams and not us he goes to the hospital to interrogate a duck toy it's possible it could be the killer meanwhile there's the face of a child whose parents took her to go see the New York Ripper see this is what happens when you get into prostitution kid good will stabbing on the other hand is just making up shit on a chalkboard so that will think he's smart hey finds a chip knife that fits perfectly in the spot with a killer attempted to stab her and the police figure out the killer's motive it's that his daughter is disfigured so he goes on a murderous rampage killing beautiful women to avenge his daughter having a disease she'll never grow up to be a woman now I understand drew after surgery you are no longer a woman you are just a thing but the movie still tries to fool us into thinking Peters not the killer hello don't worry that'll get explained and it's fucking ridiculous they immediately stabs him and takes a huge gamble that he's the killer I mean we know for sure that he is but that's still a huge gamble on her part well that should be enough to convince her that he's the killer a dubbed voice could go over anybody Jesus Christ well it doesn't matter how Peter his way dead okay so that person who called them yeah that was supposed to be the daughter in the hospital playing the game of ducks which she likes to play with her father so you're telling me that this voice is the same as this voice I buy that about as much as I buy that Peter bark is a child and then there were no more murders in New York City than putting all the onus on the duck he wasn't the one who was responsible the duck became a kind of outside Avenger for his daughter who would never become like Adam yes it's what we call ripping off the last scene in psycho syndrome except - well I don't know of this final scene is a ripoff of anything [Music] and then the kid died alone in the hospital with no one by her side the end so that was definitely a movie that hated women and cops and amputees and children and dogs and coroner's and marriage none of that would make for a good blog entry so it hates women well it certainly would if the Ripper was the hero of the movie but obviously they here or the movie was the poor police chief who just wanted the lieutenant to give Edward Mannix's voice back to him there is a lot of violence towards women in this movie which is completely easy to get around when you're doing a movie about a serial killer who preys on women and the villain is quickly discovered and stabbed repeatedly by a woman at the end of the film so I see nothing misogynistic here your women should stay home when you belong you're a minister the public used a blade I'm stuck it up or joy trail don't be a dump that you know what I mean how a girl like you with an IQ of 182 could be such a dummy that but one person's misogyny may be another person's giallo rule book 101 which clearly states that all of your characters must be irredeemable assholes it makes it much harder to figure out who the killer is even when it's incredibly obvious who the killer is so the outcome may be this if the New York Ripper offends you then it's definitely sexist but if it doesn't defend you it's a sleazy movie with fantastic cinematography or maybe it just doesn't make sense to care about the morals in a 42nd Street sleaze flick it's just really really good at being really really offensive only the best sleaze flicks entertain you enough to make you okay with taking a good long shower after you've watched it or it's so I heard I'm just a cinema snob who has seen one too many of these movies I'm now completely numb to it and I'm very very offended I don't know what the hell girls see in that guy trouble is they only get to see him once

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