Verotika Hilariocity Review


Chris Stuckmann


Verotika,Movie Review,2019,2020,Reviews,Chris Stuckmann,Scene,Clip,Trailer,Teaser,Hilarious,Comedy,Funny,Hilariocity,Moments,Ashley Wisdom,Rachel Alig,Alice Tate,Kayden Kross,Scotch Hopkins,Sean Kanan,Natalia Borowsky,Glenn Danzig,The Albino Spider of Dajette,Morella,Change of Face,Drukija Contessa of Blood,Horror

I did not hit her it's not true it's bullshit I did not hit her I did not [Music] welcome back to another hilarious 'ti review this is a film I saw recently and I knew that it had to be talked about on this segment it's called Veronica Veronica Veronica is written and directed by glenn danzig many of you know him as a singer-songwriter and he's taking his first stab as a filmmaker he was also the director of photography and he provided all of the original score' this film debuted a film festival in Chicago last year and I started to see a lot of people on Twitter giving reactions to the movie people talked about the festival experience the audience watching it reacting to it not really knowing what they were getting into and what many people began to easily compare to Tommy Wiseau's the room so I instantly put this movie on my watch list I paid attention to it I waited for the release it talked about it coming out last Halloween but it kept getting pushed back and it kept getting pushed back and it finally dropped on digital recently and I actually bought it on Amazon for $20 which is a crazily absurd price by the way especially since the official release on Amazon is not even in the correct aspect ratio this movie is supposed to look like this 235 on Amazon it is stretched all the way to fill the entire screen and it looks squished and disgusting this film is inspired by the Virata k-- comics label something that glenn danzig owns himself they are erotic or adult themed comics the word violence and erotic has been combined to make Virata k-- and this film is called Varitek huh so it's a movie based off of a heavy metal singer's porn comics this film is broken up into three half-hour stories intercut with a woman named Marella who is sort of like Elvira type who is introducing these stories while doing really gross nasty things the film opens up with her sticking her fingers through a woman's eyeballs and just taking them out and then she turns to the camera and begins to speak to us after doing this welcome my darlings my name is Marella and this is for right I should say that many of the actors in this film are adult porn stars so naturally the performances are going to be something wonderful to behold let's talk about how this film begins immediately we are greeted with a blowjob scene similar to any sex scene you may have seen in Tommy Wiseau's film the room and then a makeout scene that lasts for maybe two hours I think it actually lasts longer than the runtime of the whole fucking movie but they just keep making out and he really wants to see this girl's boobs he keeps trying to lift up her shirt and she doesn't want him to we eventually find out why she doesn't want him to and unfortunately due to YouTube's censorship and all that shit I I can't really show you things but she has eyeballs for her nipples her boobs have eyeballs my friend called them titties your teacher they're looking at me throughout the course of this incredible moment there's a CGI albino spider crawling up a plant which by the way was credited in the opening credits the person who did the effects which received a credit for that that part so that's this film she becomes so sad that this guy saw her eyeball boobs and ran away and she's like not again so apparently she has a really hard time getting a guy because of her eyeball boobs okay so look this is the first like minute of this movie guys I'm talking literally this is the first fucking minute and this is where we are we got the eyeball boobies I do prints wool is that you does it please Muppet is not cry it's not worth it now here happens again it was all going so well then he's insensitive bitch good riddance I know you are right though he was so cute they are cute she will make your ice poufy for your photo shoot tomorrow the shoot I forgot and these are all like American actors I need to know why I need I need to know why I want someone to tell me why why was this done why did this happen and why why and they also had to learn French accent so it's much tougher than you think especially if you've never spoken French before so make that would an island coach for weeks so yeah according to this QA they used a professional voice coach to teach these actors how to sound as if they were from France so pushing the accents and the CGI and all that aside this is where the film gets even crazier her boobs and the eyeballs in her boobs begin to cry she's so sad that this man has fled because of her eyeball boobies that they cry and a tear poops falls down on to that albino spider [Music] [Music] and and from that that was this ever pitch to someone you know what really quick I'm gonna take a detour how you know when you like have an idea for a movie maybe you've wrote an outline or you wrote a script or something and it's now your chance to pitch this to someone for the first time and you're saying it out loud and as you say it out loud you realize there's some problems and you're gonna have to fix them there's some plot holes maybe some things don't make sense because for the first time you're saying it out loud to somebody imagine explaining this shit out loud to a financier someone who's like gonna invest in your movie I need a fucking drink you know you know what fuck it fuck it I'm gonna go get a drink - I'll be right back [Music] I'm not I'm seriously not kidding and I'm not actually even doing this to be funny this movie I didn't really enjoy the experience of watching this film and I really genuinely think that a little whiskey will do me some good so you guys if you're watching this with me you can have a shot - yeah now we're talking so basically after her eyeball boobs cry on this spider it sprouts into a man a humanoid spider man with these horrendous hilarious fake arms and you can see so many inconsistencies in his costume throughout this movie there's one point where the crotch area is just fully open the seam has burst maybe he had to go to the bathroom and he said fuck it and I never even fixed it who the hell knows three - yet let me be real [Music] but this thing apparently is tied to her dreams in some way like if she falls asleep it can come to life they can like get people it can get out to the open and all it wants to do is kill people and I guess rape them so that's just wonderful you know and if these are the fantasies that these comics are about I just I don't get it I really don't there's no story really to this movie there's no actual conflict or obstacles for any of the characters I I call them characters but that's a stretch for sure there's really nothing there's no good guys there's no bad guys there's just people that do things mostly involving sex and gore [Music] look Oh er er it BR really I'm gonna go with VR in my case I'm gonna have some some whiskey our that's that's yes whiskey are [Music] No mahia but easily the most horrendous thing about this movie is the editing choices there are shots that go on for a full 10-15 seconds longer than they should you can tell that Danzig is behind the camera just zooming in the actor has already said their lines and they're just looking off into the distance wondering when the shots going to cut they don't know what else to do they just look so awkward they have no real direction you can see it glaringly on the screen it's so embarrassing and every single scene and when I say every scene guys I mean every scene ends in a fade-out every goddamn scene in this movie ends in a fade-out it's like he had no idea how to make a scene coalesce into another scene he didn't even understand the concept of stringing a series of scenes together in a way that feels seamless it's just a moment fade out here's another moment fade out over and over again for 89 long excruciating fucking minutes eventually this albino spider guy starts stalking prostitutes in an alleyway and really lets them know how he feels he's not subtle at all this I wish to binge over right here that fuck you in the ass she is good ice as fuck is my specialty my favorite thing about a lot of these hilarious adi movies when there's a bad guy is they always say exactly what they're going to do to their victims night killer had a lot of that I'm so horny mrs. Beck like there was so much of that in that shit fest but it's here too the idea that he's just talking about exactly what he wants to do to this woman it's such a fucking cliche and it's not scary at all like it leaves nothing to the imagination and since they have no idea where to take these characters except for anything involving sex or killing this lady walks into a sex theater and she just sits down amongst a bunch of dudes who are watching porn and she looks at the screen and she's falling asleep and she just keeps saying they only make sex food you see making sense [Music] so we make sense [Music] I just I need to I need to know why I need to know so she falls asleep in this theater and the men there try to rape her which is great so this is happening again like the second rape attempt in the movie and we're only in the first like 20 minutes and when she wakes up and realizes what's happening she doesn't even try to run away faster or fight back she just kind of because no no and backs up like a fucking turtle like so goddamn slow god I hate this movie the next scene is filled with so many errors of continuity and plot errors where where nothing really makes sense she walks into a cafe because she really needs coffee and she sits down and a waiter comes up to her and says would you like a refill madam madam we are closing would you like another wife is madam hello bothell I was lost in suds no I'm leaving she just fucking got there she hasn't even got a drink yet speaking of drinks it's time guys it's time for another one it really is it's time enjoy shit good so da Jett goes back to her apartment and she's greeted once again by this albino spider guy who tries to kill her now she called the cops because she had a plan she was going to take some pills and basically kill herself so that this guy who's in her mind keeping her from not sleeping I guess you mean like be trapped there forever so she takes the pills she starts to fall asleep and here comes the albino spider guy and now cops come down to break her door and you can tell that they don't even want to wake the neighbors cool they burst in and immediately tell the guy to take his hands off of her neck even though he's not even touching her she's lying on the floor don't move Michelle take your hand on her neck we move away slowly [Music] good eat that's enough whatever it is it's not going anywhere [Music] you better wake up I am dying why the lines don't even match with what you're watching happen on the screen the incompetence level the level of incompetence Oh so they fucking kill him and sent over his dead body and it's like a scene out of plan 9 she is dead so you know that we but the Freak did not kill her he looks like an overdose hmm says George Szell Jones well blessed her eyes so they 79 when Coach week's learning so the next short film starts and this one is about a woman who steals people's faces she cuts off the faces of various people and puts them over her own because she has like some scarring and she has a home where she's got their faces nailed to the wall the only thing in her home is apparently a mirror a chair and other people's faces with some fucking candles because that's the level of production design we're dealing with here this is clearly ripping off eyes without a face which is a very famous horror film and a very good horror film in fact Danzig likes to pretend like this entire thing as an homage to this movie because he loves it but it's it's just a fucking ripoff well if you aren't gonna give it to me then I'll guess I just had to take it from you No [Music] now look what you made me do you should have just given it to me when I asked [Music] but while he's paying homage to one of his favorite horror films he shows his true colors for what he really would like to film which is strippers there are three stripper scenes in this 30 minutes the first one is five straight minutes absolutely nothing happens in this scene it is just women stripping that's it pole dancing you'd think Chris you know I mean you're a red-blooded guy what's the problem with seeing some pole dancing I say nothing it's just that my god I'm not going to the strip club I'm watching a film one that I wish had some character development or really anything of Merit happening besides stripper scenes [Music] okay chicken face is obviously inspired by a French white white movie in France it's called a of soy sauce but here in America is called the eyes without a face and it's basically a doctor whose daughter is horribly disfigured so he goes around killing women taking their faces off and doing face transplants on his daughter and they never work and it's a really sad movie because the daughter has to wear a mask her whole life because of the transplant but if you thought the cops in the first one were good the cops in this are so fucking hilarious it's it's so cliche like everything they say feels ripped out of a 1980s cheesy cop drama and the placement of cgi with this dead woman's body and the way they're just inserted behind her is absolutely fucking amazing what do you got well we got his grizzly Sarge oh yeah how grizzly pretty grisly face cut off ear removed no sign of any other body trauma cause of death a parent's shock and loss of blood nice another sicko killer anything else for me afraid no sir I mean we've got nothing zero evidence which means no leads are motive where's her face well that's what I was gonna get to is whoever did this just didn't just left with it and left no no trace nowhere to be found no blood trail negatory there's your motive they wanted her face this continues the habit of the first zooming in and zooming out and long pauses without any cuts extremely awkward dialog where you can tell the actors don't know what they're supposed to do they say their line and then almost feel like oh god I have to freeze now and wait for him to yell cut but he's not yelling cut so what the fuck am I supposed to do god damn it and there's even more rampant continuity errors like when she's trying to attack this woman she has some sort of strange awkward struggle with her that somehow results in her falling unconscious so that she can start cutting her face off but nothing really happened they just kind of went like yeah yeah and she was she was done for the count for fuck's sake dude come on you'll get it back when I'm done with it all so this woman has apparently killed 13 people and stolen their faces but when you see her wall there's not even 13 faces it's so easy guys it's so fucking easy to do some of this shit these are like the easiest of continuity errors and this movies filled with them and the horrific CGI continues as the cop goes to this place called Pussycats and looks at this fucking sign and he meets somebody who looks like the rocks homeless second cousin we got another one just like the others it's a pretty gruesome brief me young woman her face cut off no apparent motive no witnesses and the leads no evidence Hey okay I get the point so how many we got now this makes 13 all the same I think it's pretty safe to assume that these were all done by the same killer yeah thank we need answers like now way to the press gets ahold of this oh that's the last thing we need now make sure no important information is leaked okay you got it yes sir I'm right on it as this cop is looking for this woman who steals faces known as the mystery girl that's her stripper name which by the way he has no real reason for knowing that this girl is the murderer somebody at the crime scene found a card for this Pussycats strip club and now he's there and he's like I know that it's mystery girl she's our killer I'm like how do you fucking know that you don't know that there's no evidence and the fucking lens flares I mean people thought JJ Abrams liked lens flares look at this this isn't even a lens flare it looks like the lens of the camera isn't even clean and it's disgustingly dirty they don't even look like real lens flares it's like wipe the goddamn lens for fuck's sake now he's walking through this dark area looking for the mystery girl who comes up behind him and threatens to cut off his face he's in front of her he fires multiple shots with his gun she's behind him and yet somehow he hit her once again fucking continuity errors this is this is why after this scene we cut to six months later and we get yet another stripper scene where the mystery girl has survived that's the end one where do you think you're going no people allow is that you Brokeback they're very funny they're naked girls out here too it's a spring flood so we're finally at the last one and this one is easily without a doubt the worst they saved the worst for last this is called contessa something or other of blood even though it fades in and out so quickly you could barely read the whole fucking title and were instantly greeted with a green screen floor this woman is walking through some kind of environments and you can tell that she's done something with blood because you know for like three straight minutes she rubs blood all over her face this entire short I'm just going to tell you right now this woman steals the blood of virgins to make herself look forever young and the entire 30 minutes is nothing but that there is no conflict there's no one who stops her from doing this it's just a long series of this woman rubbing blood all over herself and for like five straight minutes licking another woman for so fucking long that you can tell Danzig is taking every little bit of potential and stretching it as far as it can possibly go and then stretching it further because the actual content of this movie maybe fills up five pages of a screenplay five fucking pages and yet he has stretched it to 89 goddamn minutes this entire short is nothing but a woman going around and rubbing blood all over herself and she calls the Virgin's she calls them virgins so she's a virgin yes so she's pure yes and I'm convinced that the entire budget of this movie went into the horses because every time they're on screen he shows them for as long as he possibly can he seems to think that like a three-minute scene of somebody just walking through the woods saying nothing on a horse is like amazing cinema and during one scene a woman is supposed to be restrained by chains but you can tell that she's just holding on to them this is the laziest filmmaking maybe maybe ever that I have seen in my lifetime and the blood in this short goes full-on anime you can even see the tube in the woman's neck and as she grabs her neck you can see her pushing against the tube so more blood comes out of it fuckin shameless the best part of this short is the mere scene I almost want to show it to you uncut I wish I had the audio of my friend and I watching it for the first time because far into this shot we began to say lean in check the ass lean in again and check the ass because that's all she does for like a really fucking long time this fucking movie has nothing this is fucking nothing after a trot through an extremely well-lit nighttime forest she eventually behead someone and you get this hilarious fucking head and she just kind of picks it up and stares at it for a long time and that's literally the end of the movie I'm serious that's the fucking índices nothing really happened guys it's like a day in the life of Contessa she just kind of went around and killed some people and ate their blood and that's that's it so until next we meet stator yep I'm gonna do one more guys we're gonna do one more shot of whiskey because this is uh this is some historic shit this is easily without a doubt the worst horror film I have seen in the past decade so I'm gonna do a full shot yes that hmm that was high I feel better now yes guys honestly if you want to watch Veronica go for it I really would not suggest buying it on Amazon since the aspect ratio isn't even correct when you when you have a movie that's this bad where the entire film is so incompetent it's so incredibly apparent that they didn't give a shit because their actual Amazon video of it isn't even properly framed I mean how do you charge that much money for such a terrible movie when you can't even present your film properly that's insane to me anyway guys I hope you enjoyed the Celerio city I certainly did if you saw the film I apologize if I made you watch the movie I apologize as well if you were drinking with me throughout this review thank you that was fun thanks for joining me guys you are the best look forward to more hilarious ''tis very soon and if you liked this you can click right here and get stuck mine eyes [Music]